Memetic Badass / Professional Wrestling

• BAD NEWS ALLEN/BAD NEWS BROWN. Olympic Bronze Medalist in Judo. Backed down André the Giant on a bus in Japan and, unarmed, backed down both Rougeau Brothers by himself, even though they had weapons and he didn't.
• Kurt Angle, naturally. The man won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freaking neck.
  • He tore his quad THIS MORNING and he's fine! He's jumpin' around!
• "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The '90s incarnate
• At this time, I am contractually obligated to point out that Awesome Kong kills bitches dead.
• Before the tragedy, Chris Benoit was commonly known for being 4REAL and GameFAQs users would even refer to him as "real life Solid Snake" or Jack Bauer.
• Steve F'n' Blackman He knows Karate and he sees that you've been slackin'
• Tessa B ain't nuthin' ta fuck wit!
• BRUISER F'N BRODY and STAN F'N HANSEN
• Claudio Castagnoli/Antonio Cesaro deadlifted the Great Khali TWICE in the same match. He will give you a 100-rotation Giant Swing, a huge pop-up uppercut and be able to tell you how much you suck in five languages.
• John Cena, it doesn't matter what you do to him. He will get up and give you, your father and your uncle an Attitude Adjustment all at the same time.
• Bryan Danielson who is too manly for tans. Not even meat can handle his badass!
  • He has gained an immunity to Triple H's burial shovel.
• "The Queen of Wrestling" Sara Del Rey was trained by Bryan Danielson, defeated Claudio Castagnoli, and beat the crap out of Jakob Hammermeier. Oh yeah, and read this.
• "The Innovator of Violence" Tommy Dreamer. "Thank you sir, may I have another!"
• Jack Evans performed a shoot Vandaminator on Juventud Guerrera!
• When the end of the world arrives, all that will remain will be Mick Foley. He ate the cockroaches.
• Terry Funk. Cool Old Guy all the way.
  • Distaff Counterpart: MAE YOUNG took a powerbomb off a rampway through a table to the floor at 77 years old. Never Mess with Granny.
• Goldberg will squash you like a bug in 30 seconds and demand more. WHO'S NEXT?
• Matt Hardy "...WILL...NOT...DIE!"
  • And Broken/Woken MATT will DELETE YOU!
• Curt Hawkins ^note  As of 2016 on WWE television anyway ; fact- he doesn't use toilets, he scares the crap out of them; fact-Death once had a near Curt Hawkins experience; fact- sleep needs 8 hours of Curt Hawkins a day; fact- Amelia Earhart got lost looking for Curt Hawkins. The WWE Universe needs to Face the Facts!
• The Iron Sheik will put you in the camel clutch, break your back, fuck your ass, and make you humble. FACKIN' BULLSHIT!
• Jacqueline once finished a match after separating her shoulder and has proven time and again that she can make any man^note Disco Inferno, Harvey Wippleman, Chavo Guerrero Jr. her bitch.
• Give Mickie James some 35 seconds or so and she'll take your title.
• "The Last of a Dying Breed"/"The War King" Eddie Kingston. The first man to knock Tursas off of his feet. He's this even by CHIKARA's family-friendly standards.
• Kenta Kobashi whose Burning Hammer finisher beat cancer.
  • "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan smacked his cancer with his 2x4, then his Three-Point-Stance running clothesline cut through his cancer and his Old Glory kneedrop crushed it dead.
  • Bret Hart locked his cancer in a Sharpshooter and made it tap out.
  • Dean Malenko made his heart attack tap out to the Texas Cloverleaf.^note Malenko had a heart attack at 50 years old in 2010 and was back to work within days. DAYS.
• God made the Devil just for fun. When He wanted the real thing, He made Aja Kong!
• Brock Lesnar, here comes the pain.
  • Brock Lesnar will leave you in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit.
• Heidi Lovelace and PrincessKimberlee made the glass ceiling tap out to the CHIKARA Special.^note At back-to-back Season Finales, each woman won a title that had previously been held only by men. In the "Pre-Show-A-Go-Go" before Tomorrow Never Dies, December 6, 2014, Heidi defeated Missile Assault Ant (That's MISSILE! ASSAULT! ANT!) in the finals of the CHIKARA Young Lions Cup Tournament. She would go on to be the second-longest reigning YLC Champion after the inaugural Champion Hallowicked. A year later, at Top Banana on December 5th, Princess Kimberlee cashed in her title shot from her team Crown and Court defeating The Wrecking Crew in the finals of the Challenge of the Immortals tournament and defeated Hallowicked for the CHIKARA Grand Championship. Because Heidi was still the Young Lions Cup Champion at the time, this was the first time in a non-women's promotion that both singles titles were held by women.
• There isn't a woman alive Hiroyo Matsumoto can't dominate. Hiroyo Matsumoto DESTROY!
• Vince McMahon. Really. The National Wrestling Alliance couldn't beat him. The American Wrestling Association couldn't beat him. WCW couldn't beat him. The freaking FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA couldn't beat him.
  • A real example: when Vince slid into the ring after a botched ending at the 2005 Royal Rumble, he tore both his quad muscles. A single quad tear kept Triple H out for nearly half a year back in 2001. Vince (who is nearly twice Trips' age, mind you) would have none of that, and he was walking like normal by Wrestlemania, roughly two months later.
• Meng/King Haku will punch through any amount of steel chairs to kill bitches dead.
  • He once inhaled and exhaled tear gas!
  • He once got in a bar fight and the police arrived and handcuffed him and he broke the cuffs and asked, "Is that it?"
  • He once pulled out a guy's lower teeth.
  • Jake Roberts said that if he had a tank and a gun with one bullet he would get out of the tank and shoot himself because he wouldn't want Meng mad at him if he wounded him.
  • He once got Eric Bischoff, his boss, to apologize to him for interrupting him when he was talking to his friends Chris Jericho, Chris Candido and Tammy Lynn Sytch.
  • Arn Anderson wrote in his book, "There are three kinds of men, tough men, wrestler-tough men, and then there's Meng."
• Lives are gonna be in Waylon Mercy's hands. Know what he means?
  • You don't fuck with Dan Spivey! He got The Road Warriors to sell.
• MsChif started her career going undefeated against MEN and wrestles with NO ACLs.
• Shinsuke Nakamura will steal your thunder and drive his knee into your skull. His spit alone can grant you Macho Man's charisma.
• Kazuchika Okada is so awesome that in his spare time of defending his 600+ days title in six star matches. He's teaching King how to do the Rainmaker and defending earth from neighbors.
• Kenny Omega sees your five star match, and raises you a SEVEN STARS.
• Randy Orton (Beat) RKO from outta nowhere!
• Archibald Peck survived a Stable Time Loop AND Deucalion destroying him.
• "The Loose Cannon" Brian FUCKING Pillman kicked throat cancer's ass, had to leave the Cincinnati Bengals because he scared his own teammates, beat Sid Vicious in a bar fight, with Sid making himself look even worse when the only thing he could find for a weapon was a squeegee and , at ECW Cyberslam 96, threatened to "piss on this hellhole (the ECW Arena)", and the fans chanted "Let him piss!"
• CM Punk is The Best In The World! He was the WWE champion for 434 days.
  • Shinya Hashimoto was even better. He was the New Japan Pro Wrestling IWGP Heavyweight Champion for 489 days.
  • Bruno Sammartino laughs at these short title reigns^note Sammartino only held the Heavyweight Championship twice, but combined for 4040 days! His first reign was 2,803 days while his second run lasted only 1,237
  • Of course, all of them pale in comparison to Indian/Pakistani wrestler Ghulam Mohammad Baksh Butt, a.k.a. The Great Gama who was a legitimate undefeated world champion for 52 years. Not 52 days, not 52 months, 52 YEARS.
• Rikishi got SHOT and was clinically dead for three minutes. What more do you need?
• Sabu will get cut up in barbed-wire, seal it up with Krazy Glue and cover it with athletic tape and keep going like it was nothing special.
  • Then there was the time he got shot in the face and the bullet exploded on impact!
• Perry Saturn was a US Army Ranger and got shot in the neck saving a woman from being raped and was still able to beat the shit out of all three lowlifes by himself.
• Randy Savage prevented the Rapture by elbow-dropping onto Jesus.^note The Rapture was predicted to happen on May 21, 2011, the day after Savage died.
• "Exotic" Adrian Street can take an ugly wrestler and beat him till he's beautiful, so imagine what he could do to you.
• One word: BRAAUUUNNNNNNN! Everybody will get these hands! And HE'S NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!!!
  • A couple examples to justify him being here: He was once trapped in an ambulance which was then rammed with a truck. It took the jaws of life to get the thing open. When Strowman was finally freed, he refused medical help and walked off. Strowman has also tried to take out his opponents before a match by collapsing the RAW set on them! When he was fired for going that far, Strowman began rampaging backstage, the crown jewel was flipping over a truck!
• AJ Styles is bulletproof to heel heat in America; he can make the "soccer mom hair" over with fans, and his Styles Clash is a Dangerous Forbidden Technique only he can do.
• Masato Tanaka is Covered in Scars and got up from the Dudley Death Drop.
• Michael Tarver, soul eater. Seriously. He can do whatever the fuck he wants in 1.9 seconds.
• Taz is gonna kill you.
  • So will Samoa Joe.
  • And Kevin Steen.
  • Along with Asuka. Because nobody is ready.
  • Bayley's gonna hug you.
• This◊ unofficial Fun T-Shirt says, "When The Boogeyman Goes To Sleep, He Checks The Closet for LOU THESZ."
• The Undertaker. Forget about the streak, forget his in ring exploits, he stood up to Vince McMahon for real and saved the WWF.
• Vacant is a 13 time WWE world champion, held the TNA world heavyweight title, has beaten everyone from Andre the Giant to John Cena, and has even held several Womens/Diva titles.^note When the WWE Championship was, well, vacant, they represented this with a blank faced outline of a man with "Vacant" underneath it. People ran with it, acting as if it was an actual wrestler named Vacant. The joke was also used in TNA when AJ Styles was stripped of his title. It's also joked that the blank outlines used to promote matches with mystery wrestlers/guest referees are actually all Vacant
• Big Van Vader fears no man and feels no pain! WHO'S THE MAN! IT'S TIME! IT'S TIME! IT'S VADER TIME!!!
• "Dr. Death" Steve Williams once rescued a guy from a burning car by pulling the door right off of the car, and, after getting busted open during an afternoon show, said "Stitch me up doc, I got a match tonight!"
• There's Leatherface, there's Freddy Krueger, and there's Jason Voorhees, and they all bow down to Su Yung.
• Watch how Orange Cassidy brutalizes and utterly destroys legends like Billy Gunn, Tommy Dreamer, and Chris Jericho with his powerful, punishing, pulverizing... shin taps. You'll be amazed how his opponents managed to survive, much less walk after all that unrelenting onslaught!