You tell him, Jak.
One day on Earth, Kernal Miles Qwaritch (HE'S NOT DEAD OK! PRETEND NETYRI DIDN'T KILL HIM OK!) was sitting in his house in Nevada, watchin lesbian flicks an drinkin Rollin Rok an eatin popcorn when all of a sudden his phone rung.
— The opening
Avatars II: When Qwaritch Takes Revenge is a fanfic brought to us by "hunterjeanmidna". Acting as a "sequel" to the James Cameron film, the story stars "Kernal" Miles "Qwaritch", the villainous Colonel Badass we all know and love (or hate), and opens with him watching porn in his house in Nevada when he gets a distress call. According to "the dude on the other end", the "NAVIS ARE KILLIN EVERYBODY!". So "Qwarutch" "wants revenge cuz the Navis blew up his spaceship an speared him in his robot" so he gets in his little spaceship and takes off for Pandora while listening to Guns N' Roses. "Qwarich" then gets to Pandora and fights the Navis and....well, there's not really much of a plot to speak of.
However, there's action, action, more action, horses "yelling" as they "explode all over the jungle, appearances by "Master Cheef" (who here is a robot) and "Samus Arin" (who is male), and at the end there's a brief foursome with "Neytri".
However, that wasn't the end of the madness. He released a sequel titled The Navis Strike Back that features the Navis fighting to take back Pandora. Not only do they succeed, they also manage to kill Kernal Qwaritch. The end? Well...no.
Hunterjeanmidna then made a "final" part split up into three "books" that reveals that Qwaritch has a fully-grown Avatar on Earth for his soul to be transferred to in the event of death. He then plans to take advantage of his new Navi body and go back to Pandora, infiltrate the Navis, and then kill them. However, Qwaritch "goes through a real interestin plot twist so hold on to your popcorn"...
"hunterjeanmidna" has admitted that this and all his other stories were spoofs of actual horrible fanfiction, and isn't too proud of them.
The story used to be split up into 5 parts, but the author deleted the individual entries and put them all together in a "special edition"
that includes a new beginning and ending, works in Parker "Selfrige" and Grace Augustine, and adds a list of the characters (with bios, useful if you didn't know that Master Chief is "A robot guy like RoboCop") and pictures from the movie.
Tropes:
- Alien Blood: The "Navis" have dark blue blood, despite them having red blood in the movie. In fact, not only do they have blue blood, they also have blue semen!
- Aliens Steal Cable: The Navis watch Watchmen at the end of Book II; they apparently have a special meteorite that humans used to make televisions, and used it to invent the television.
- Battle Cry: A lot. There's the line in the page image, and...“COME TO POPPA YOU MOTHERFUCKERSSSS!!!!!! “"WE WILL FIGHT AS ONE!" yelled Jak "RIDE OR DIEE!""YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME NAVI BITCH" shout Qwaritch! "I MAY HAVE HAD SEX WITH YOU BUT YOU WONT WINN! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!""WINDFLY! FLY LIKE A EAGLE!""Thats right you stupid fuckers" said Neytri" DONT FUCK WITH THE NAVIS AN DONT FUCK WITH NEYTRI!!!""FUCK YEAH YOU HUMAN BITCHES!"" screamed Mohawk victoriously. "Mohawk's the BIGGEST BOSS!!!!!!""WE TRIED TO BE CORDIAL AN LEAVE YOU ALONE. YOU ATTACKED US SO NOW ITS EVEN BITCHES! PREPARE TO DIE YOU NAVI COCKSUCKERS!!!!"
- Barbie Doll Anatomy: It turns out that "Navis" (and Avatars, as Qwaritch finds out when he tries to masturbate) don't have penises or vaginas, and instead use their
USB ponytails for sex. - Bears Are Bad News: In Qwaritch's flashback to his time as a Cub Scout.
- Becoming the Mask: Qwaritch defects to the Navi side because of all the sex he's having
- Big Bad: Parker Selfrige is the closest thing the story has to a villain.
- Big Damn Heroes: Master Chef and Samus Arin. Book V sees Qwaritch and Trudy doing this, though it's less "kick some ass" and more "hey, stop that you guys".
- Boldly Coming: All over the freaking place. At the end of Book I, Qwaritch, Master Cheef and Samus have a foursome with Neytri... despite the fact that Navis are revealed later to have sex with their USB ponytails, which probably makes this impossible (along with Samus actually being a girl...and the author seems aware of it too, saying that "he" has "a big secret"). Qwaritch later plows a bunch of Navi "hoes", but this time he's in Avatar form, so it makes more sense. And then Trudy has sex with Qwaritch, but this pairing makes more sense than the foursome at the beginning, as it's explained in detail how Qwaritch sticks his USB ponytail into Trudy's "feminine cave of wonders."
- Casual Interstellar Travel: Qwarich had not one, but two spaceships on Earth ready to go to Pandora in the time it takes to listen to "You Could Be Mine" by Guns N' Roses. Especially egregious seeing as this was averted in the movie.
- Ceiling Banger: Qwaritch does this as he's getting used to his Avatar form, "cuz Navis are really tall". He eloquently expresses his frustration by shouting "GODDAMNIT!"
- Cluster F-Bomb: The story features: 32 fucks, 17 shits, 4 Goddamns, 8 bitches, and 3 pussies.
- Combat Tentacles: During the final battle, Qwaritch uses his Navi tentacle (the same one used for naughty purposes) to rip off a man's head. For no apparent reason, he likens it to the time he killed a Korean transvestite with his penis.
- Kernal Badass: It is a story about Qwaritch, after all.
- Crazy-Prepared: In addition to having two ships prepared for FTL interstellar travel, Qwarich had a pre-grown avatar on Earth with which he could transfer his mind into in case of death.
- Crossover: The protagonists of Halo and Metroid make appearances. The final battle features AT-AT walkers.
- Death Is Cheap: Jak, Mohawk, Qwaritch, Trudy and Dr. Grace Augustine all come back from the dead.
- Demoted to Extra:
- Jak Scully. In the film, he's the protagonist. Here, he only gets one scene: he appears, attacks the "heroes", yells the line featured in the page image, and gets killed. He shows up more in the rest of the story, but he's far from the main character.
- Trudy is revealed to still be alive. Her sole purpose in the story? To be boinked by Qwaritch. Though in all fairness, she does get one of the most memorably bizarre and hilarious lines in the whole story ("Give me more of your Q-Tip!").
- Disney Villain Death: Parker Selfridge is killed when Qwaritch drops him out of the Dragon gunship to "splat" on the jungle below.
- Don't Explain the Joke: Taken to So Unfunny, It's Funny levels. "It was a long flight so he put on You Could Be Mine by Guns N' Roses (get it because that song was in The Terminator II which was also by James Cameron so its an injoke!)"
- Dramatic Ellipsis:
- "Qwaich an Cheef looked over an it was??Samus Arin!"
- "It was....................................................QWARITCH!"
- Easily Forgiven: Qwaritch. Sure, he destroyed Hometree, and sure, he killed countless Navis. But the Navis forgive him after he tells them his story - hell, they even make him a permanent member of their tribe - even though his only reason for not taking revenge is so he can have sex with them.
- Explosive Decompression: In the big final battle, a human pilot's head explodes when he is exposed to Pandora's air after his windshield is shattered.
- Fix Fic: The story (clearly written by one of Quaritch's many fans) proposes that "Qwaritch" survived the events of the film and opens with him at home before being called into action. By the end of Book II this is reversed again, with the Navis once again victorious and Qwaritch dead. And then Qwaritch comes back for his revenge in Book III.
- Funetik Aksent: The spelling of "Colonel" as "Kernal". It's also an obvious shout-out to fellow Troll Fic DOOM: Repercussions of Evil.
- Gratuitous Ninja: One scene sees a ninja "snakin up" on Jak before being shredded by the latter's minigun.
- I Have This Friend: When a conflicted Qwaritch, unsure on his allegience either to the humans or Na'vi, asks Neytiri this question:"So I'm thinking......well, imagine you were in charge of an attack on the humans who tried to kill you an your homies. But when you got there you found some hot human dudes to have sex with. Would you take your revenge or give it up for the relationships?"
- Healing Factor: The Na'vis are said to be like salamanders and can regrow severed limbs, despite never displaying any such ability in the movies.
- Heel–Face Turn: Qwaritch
- The Immodest Orgasm: This scene. 'Nuff said."After about 8 minutes they came again an filled the whole tree with moans an groans an shrieking screams of pleasure (the adult Navis covered the little Navis ears they were so loud)."
- It's Personal: In Book II, Qwaritch refuses to return to Pandora until he learns that Jak is still alive.
- Love Redeems: Or rather, sex does. Qwaritch stops his genocide against the Navis because he would rather have sex with them.
- Made of Explodium: Lots of things explode into huge fireballs, whether it makes sense or not. Apparently, getting Navi blood in its systems is all it takes for an AMP suit to not just explode, but explode like the Hindenburg.
- May–December Romance: Qwaritch and Trudy become a couple. Going by the age of the actors, Qwaritch is 26 years Trudy's senior.
- Neck Snap: Qwaritch on a Navi, in order to get his clothes in Book III.
- Nominal Hero: Qwatrich feels bad about (movie spoilers!) destroying the Hometree because he "killed a buncha hot Navi hoes that he coulda had sex with or something".
- Obligatory Swearing: Everyone in this story. Whether they're human or alien, they swear a lot.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Tsu'Tey is only referred to as "Mohawk" for the entire story.
- Original Character: Montana, a friend for "Selfridge" to talk with.
- Out of Character: Nearly everyone. Which makes Grace Augustine coming back all the more shocking, mainly because she's written at least slightly accurately.
- Pun: Qwaritch drops a groaner when his "hoes" arrive and see him in Avatar form."Hey ladies" said Qwaritch grinnin "Could you lift me up? I'm feelin blue."
- Really Gets Around: Qwaritch. Let's see, he boinks: Neytiri, his regular "hoes" from the strip club (and the "regular" part implies that this is far from his first "playdate" with them), a shitload of Navi "hoes", and Trudy. Kernal Miles Qwaritch: Sex Machine.
- Redemption Equals Sex: Flipped around
- Rousing Speech: Parker Selfrige gives one when he prepares to attack Qwaritch and the Navis.
- Screaming Warrior: Jake/Jak, when he's gunning down soldiers with a stolen minigun. He screams while he shoots to "be all badass".
- Sequel Hook: The Master Cheef and Samus "took off in their ships for new adventures of their own (hint hint more stories)"
- Shout-Out:
- To District 9, by Qwaritch. The Navis also kill him the same way Koobus was killed in the climax. It's supposedly "poetic justice" because Qwatrich quoted the movie.
- There's also shoutouts to Metal Gear, Splinter Cell, Watchmen, Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Predator. The last one in particular is mentioned in the great lines "they did that handshake like Arnold an Oppollo Creed did in The Predator" and "Jak was stealin a machine gun an gunnin down soldiers with a minigun like that black guy on The Predator had that he leveled the jungle with after the Predator killed that wrestler or something (AN: I havent seen that movie in a while so be easy on me homies ok)"
- Speaking of the minigun, the scene where he kills a ninja with it seems to have been inspired by this page of the infamous Doom comic. "DAAANCE BONE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY"
- There's also the name Qwaritch takes when he meets the Navis in his Avatar: D'leah.
- Some grammatical errors/bizarre literary devices are also similar to those of My Immortal (like the usage of long ellipses followed by a dramatic name-drop).
- Stealth Parody: The author would later make clear it was this. Many suspected so; it's hard to come up with something this hilariously stupid by accident.
- Those Wacky Nazis: Most likely unintentional, but shows up in this line:He took out his knife an cut its head off but the Nazi rider jumped into the robot an tried to kill him but he shot it with a shotgun an the Navi exploded everywhere.
- Troll Fic: The author has flat-out admitted that this and his other stories were satires, and that the whole "Hunterjeanmidna" persona was a joke.
- Unexplained Recovery: Jak, who is blown up at the end of Book I, comes back in Book II. Even characters who died in the film return.
- Villain Protagonist: The stories feature quite a few of the characters from the movie, but the villainous Colonel Quaritch takes center stage for the most part. Although near the end, he undergoes a Heel–Face Turn because letting go of his revenge is the only way he can "have sex with hot Navi hoes".
- Wham Line: With just nine words, Neytri unknowingly manages to flip Qwaritch's entire motivation upside down: "His(sic) room on your left is the Navi harem."
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Trudy disappears without a word after Book V and is never mentioned again.
- World of Badass: Most definitely.
- World of Ham: "WE WILL FIGHT AS ONE!" yelled Jak "RIDE OR DIEE!"
- You Know I'm Black, Right?: Parker Selfrige's "homie" Montana says this almost word-for-word when Selfrige compares Qwaritch joining the Navis to an African-American joining The Klan. Selfrige then changes his analogy to a Jew joining the Nazis, but it turns out Montana is Jewish as well.
- Your Head Asplode: Not only to anyone who reads this, but in story: "As soon as he landed a Navi tried to shoot him but he took out his shotgun an blew there noggin off an blue blood went flyin everywhere." This also happens to a pilot who is exposed to Pandora's air in the final battle.
