Black Comedy / Jokes

• A joke that originated at CTY in 2013 (delivery must be in a monotone for the desired effect):
  "A man walks into a bar. He is impaled by the bar. People call for a medic, but he is already dead. The End."
• The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. "What's the good news?" The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge and 6 jumbo size blue crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
• David was tasked to collect 100 foreskins from Philistines to prove his worth to marry King Saul's daughter. When he returns with 200 foreskins, everybody sways between admiration and horror. When asked how he did it he answers: "Well it went much more smoothly when I realized that I could kill them beforehand."
• A woman on an ocean liner asked a crew member, "Do ships like this sink very often?" "No, ma'am," he replied, "Only once."
• "Mommy mommy, is it still a long way to Italy?" Shut up and swim!
• What is common with black humour and unvaccinated children? Neither will ever grow old.
• Where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere.
• What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind? the roof of his mouth.
• The new crematorium in down gives discounts to burn victims.
• What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!
• Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
  • Why didn't anyone help her up? Because she had no friends.
    • Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie.
• And now, some dead baby humor;
  • Black humour isn't everyone's cup of liquidised baby.
  • Q: How do you fit 100 dead babies in a box?
  A: With a blender!
  • Q: What is the best way to get 100 dead babies out of a blender?
  A: With chips!
  • Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
  A: The live one at the bottom of the pile.

  • What’s worse than that? It has to eat its way out. What’s worse than that? It succeeded. What's worse than that? It went back for seconds. What’s worse than that? Justin Bieber, duh.
  • Q: How do you empty a garbage truck full of dead babies?
  A: With a pitchfork!

  • There's another version of that one: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
  • Q: What's worse than five babies in a trashcan?
  A: One baby in five trashcans.
  • Q: What's the difference between one hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?
  A: I don't own a Ferrari.

  • Or, I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
  • Corollary: And if I did, I wouldn't wank over it every day.
  • Q: What's pink and orange and floats on the bottom of a pool?
  A: A baby with its floaties slashed.

  • Q: What's pink, red, and orange and floats on the top of a pool?
  A: Floaties with their baby slashed.
  • Q: What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
  A: You take off your boots before jumping on the trampoline.
  • Q: What's the best way for Capcom to greenlight the Megaman Legends 3 project?
  A: Simple. Dress two aborted fetuses as Roll and Megaman Volnutt.
  • Q: What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
  A: The baby can be raped!
  • Q: Whats red and white and cries?
  A: A skinned Baby with salt.
  • Q: What is brown and knocks on glass?
  A: A Baby in the oven.
  • Q: What is red and cries and revolves around?
  A: A Baby in the microwave oven
  • Q: What is rosy and turns red on the push of a button?
  A: A baby in a mixer.
  • Q: How do you make a baby stop crawling in circles?
  A: You nail the other hand to the floor.
  • Q: How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
  A: Depends on how hard you throw.

  • Alternatively: depends how thin you slice 'em.
  • Q: What's red and pink and sits in the corner?
  A: a baby eating razor blades.
• Two people are comparing how much their lives suck:
  "My mom gave birth to me and my sister in a university bathroom in her prom dress. My baby sister ended up in the trash can."
  "Well, my mom gave birth to me and my brother in a Medicaid ward. We BOTH ended up in trash cans."
• Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
  A: Zero.
• Q: What do you call a 7 year old with no friends?
  A: A Sandy Hook survivor.
• Black comedy is like food (or adequate medical care, or something else vital). Not everyone gets it.
• Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
• "Dad, why are you putting up the Christmas tree now? It's July!" "Well, sport, I'm willing to wait until December if you are, but your bone cancer has other ideas."
• "What if my parachute doesn't open?" "You have the reserve canopy." "And what if that doesn't open either?" "Well, you have the rest of your life time to learn to fly without wings".
• HIV/AIDS jokes are this by nature.
  • "Why haven't they found a cure for AIDS yet? They can't get the lab rats to buttfuck."
  • Rock Hudson was a heartthrob of the 1950s and '60s. He was the first major celebrity to die from the disease, and his homosexuality, which he had worked hard to keep quiet, came out when he was diagnosed with AIDS.
    • What do you call Rock Hudson in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
    • Why is Prudential insurance going out of business? No one wants a piece of "the rock".^note Prudential's ad campaign in the 1980s was "Get a piece of the rock" - their logo was and still is the Rock of Gibraltar.
    • What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common? They both died from bad crack.
    • Q: Why did they bury Rock Hudson face down? A: So his friends would recognize him.
    • Q: What`s the difference between Staten Island and Rock Hudson? A: The first is a ferry terminal, the second a terminal fairy.
  • Q: What does Magic stand for? A: My Ass Got Infected, Coach
  • Q: What`s the worst thing about getting AIDS? A: Convincing your parents you're Haitian.
  • First thing that comes to mind about AIDS. Fucking Haitians.
• Muscular dystrophy patients are playing hide and seek in the hospital: "Johnny, where are you?" / "I'm here, behind this broomstick!" / "Hey, didn't we have an agreement not to hide behind thick objects?"
• A new prisoner is asked, "So how long are you in for?". He replies, "Twenty years." The veteran prisoner is surprised: "Twenty?? What on earth could you have done?" The new man replies indignantly, "I did nothing! Honest!" The veteran says, "But the sentence for doing nothing is only ten years."
• An old woman stands in the market with a “Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and demands: "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?” / “Well, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law...”
• A little boy found a machine gun — Now the village population is none.
• Crossing over with lab safety:
  Billy had a tummy ache, but he don't no more!
  What he thought was H₂O^* water was H₂SO₄^* sulphuric acid!
• An old joke that gets used to humorously downplay someone's misfortunes is: "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
• NASA rebranded after the Challenger incident. Their new acronym?: Needs Another Seven Astronuts.
• When Auschwitz officers came into the gas chamber to remove the pile of dead bodies, they noticed three men sitting in a corner playing cards. “How come they survived?” one officer asked. “They are from Dzerzhinsk,” the other answered.
• In Northern Ireland during the The Troubles, jokes about the IRA and the general situation did and still do abound, in both Protestant and Catholic communities, with some of the better-known ones being:
  • Five British soldiers were killed today when a tree fell on their convoy... the IRA planted it.
  • Scribbled on "Free Bobby Sands" posters: ...with every packet of cornflakes.
  • Raffle's on Tuesday... the first prize is a week in Belfast, the second prize is two weeks in Belfast.

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