Bestiality Is Depraved / Jokes

• Former Trope Namer is an old joke:
  A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
  The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
  The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
  The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
  The old man starts to cry again, "But you screw one goat..."
• There's a military joke about a young (Army/Marine) Lieutenant's first time in Iraq, with the punchline being his sergeant explains that he was supposed to ride the camel into town and pay for a hooker.
  • That's only the latest update of a joke that's at least as old as colonialism in the Middle East.
  • The latest (as 2015) update is told in "A Hologram for the King" by Dave Eggers (the "Circle" guy).
• In the British Empire's days, the British Army in Egypt/Sudan maintained a Royal Camel Corps. One day the colonel invited a young officer to his office to discuss a delicate matter.
  Colonel: Look here, Lieutenant, there's a rumour going round that you've been... you know... with your camel.
  Lieutenant: Yes sir, I have been intimate with my camel.
  Colonel: Good God, man. (long pause) A female camel, I hope?
  Lieutenant: Yes, of course, sir. What do you think I am? Queer?
• Another joke describes a young shepherd who, lonely with the long hours alone in the fields with his sheep, was horrified to find himself starting to cast sideways glances at his charges. He asked an older, more experienced shepherd for advice, and was told to train a vicious dog to attack him if he started disrobing around the sheep. He did so, but the loneliness continued, until one day he heard a woman screaming off in the distance. Tracking down its source, he found a beautiful maiden who had been chased up a tree by a pack of wolves. After the shepherd and his dog chased away the wolves, the maiden asked if there were anything she could do to repay him. "Actually, there is," he replied. "Can you keep this dog distracted for about ten minutes?"
  • A similar joke goes: a tired traveler is crossing a vast desert on his camel, and thinks to himself, "I haven't had sex for days... I'll make do with this camel." However, the camel won't stay still to allow him to have sex with it. Suddenly, three beautiful women appear out of nowhere. "You look lost," one says. "Can I help you?" Yes, the traveler says. "Could you please help me hold down the camel?"
  • There are actually plenty of jokes that follow this basic pattern. A man wants to have sex with an animal due to being horny in an isolated place with no women, but something is preventing him to do so. A woman (or multiple women) enters the setting, usually willing to do anything the man asks of her. The punchline consists of the man asking her to take care of whatever is preventing him from having sex with the animal, rather than having sex with him herself.
• A gentleman stops by a biker bar and notices a large jar full of twenty dollar bills sitting on a high shelf. He asks the bartender about it, and the bartender tells him that anyone who likes can put a twenty in the jar and then attempt to win the pot by completing three tasks: defeating the toughest biker in the bar in a fistfight, performing some amateur dentistry on the bartender's vicious dog which has a sore tooth, and sexually satisfying the bartender's hideously ugly nymphomaniac wife. The man drops a twenty in the jar, walks over to the biker and knocks him out with one punch. He strides confidently into the back room, where the bartender hears his dog give out the most pitiful howl he's ever heard. The man returns and asks the bartender, "Okay, now where's that ugly lady with the sore tooth?"
  • There's a variation of that in Finland: A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian were visiting Greenland, and decided to have a wager of toughness: they had to drink a keg of vodka, kill a polar bear barehanded and make love to (or rape) an Eskimo woman. The Swede and the Norwegian failed in humiliating ways, but the Finn drank down the entire keg and left off to find a polar bear. Hours later he comes back covered in claw marks and scratches and asks: "Nhow, wheresh that Eshkhimo I wash shupposhed to kill?"
    • The same joke is told with a Texan who went to Alaska, and was given the same challenge.
  • There's also a variation in Brazil: Mussum of OsTrapalhões tried to join a gang and was told that, in order to join, he had to complete three tasks: drinking a whole bottle of undiluted cachaça at once, cut off the tail of a lion caged near the bar where he and the gang were having the challenge, and kissing the ugly bartender ten times. He could do the tasks in any order he chose and started with the drinking challenge. Mussum then left the bar to search for the lion. Upon returned, he mentioned he had just finished kissing the lion and would now cut the woman's tail.
• An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year. One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut. The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave." The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had gained the tribe's trust. "Why, what's the matter?" he stammered. "It seems that a woman in our tribe has given birth to a baby... a white baby," said the chief. The anthropologist began to laugh. "Oh, is that all? No, that's just a classic case of albinism. It's caused by inheriting recessive pigment genes and..." The chief didn't look convinced, so he pointed at a nearby flock of sheep. "See those sheep? All of them are white except for that one. It's like that!" The chief was silent for a moment and said, "Listen, you don't talk about the sheep, and I won't talk about the baby."
• A man goes to a bawdy house and asks the proprietor what "services" he can get for five dollars. "Five dollars?!" says the proprietor. "That's all I have," says the customer. "Very well," says the proprietor, "follow me." He takes the man to a small room containing nothing but a chicken. "What am I supposed to do with that?" asks the man. "Hey, you came here for sex," says the proprietor, "and you get what you pay for." He leaves, and the man, disgusted but desperate, has sex with the chicken. The next week, he comes back and asks what he can get for ten dollars. "Follow me," says the proprietor. He takes the customer to a room where a number of men are watching a peep show. The customer looks through a peephole and sees a man having sex with a sheep. He joins his fellow customers in derisive laughter. Nudging the man beside him, he says, "Boy, what a pathetic sicko that guy is, huh?" "That's nothing," says the other. "Last week there was a guy in there screwing a chicken."
• A farmer, trying to improve his mind, takes up reading in his spare time. Every time he comes across an unfamiliar word, he jots it down so he can ask the minister, who's the most educated person in the village. One day he sees the minister walking by, waves him over, and hands him the list. "Reverend," he says, "can you tell me what these words mean?" The minister patiently defines them one by one, then blushes and hesitates as he comes to the last word. "Come on, Reverend," says the farmer. "Don't be bashful. What does 'bestiality' mean?" "Er...well," says the minister, "it refers to the forbidden and disgusting act of intimate relations with beasts, such as sheep, goats, and chickens." "Ewww," says the farmer. "Chickens?"
• During the Bush Administration, First Lady Laura Bush told on television a joke about George milking a horse.
• The three biggest lies in <<name the place you're insulting>>:
  • 1. I own my own car/truck/etc.
  • 2. I know who my dad is
  • 3. I was just helping that sheep over a fence.
• In France, the French Foreign Legion is often jokingly associated with goats.
  • There's another one about a group of legionnaires returning from an extended patrol in the desert, and hurrying to fall out to the camel pen. An observer is bewildered by the enthusiasm to get to their mounts, and asks a veteran why this is the case. The veteran takes a long drag on his cigarette and says sagely, "the last one there gets the ugly one."
• An American researcher comes to England to study farming. On his travels, he hears about the practice of sheep fornication. He goes around Yorkshire asking farmers "Do you have intercourse with sheep?" As you can expect, the farmers are insulted, demanding he leave and slamming the door in his face. Just as he is about to give up, one man he asks looks around and answers "yes, and I'll answer your questions so long as you can promise you won't reveal anything about me". So the researcher asks "well...how do you do it?" The farmer replies "you put the back legs in your boots and the front legs on a wall and go from there." From there, the researcher goes to Wales, where he asks the same question. The first farmer he meets boldly responds "yes!". Again, the researcher asks how, and the Welshman responds "You put the back legs in your boots and the front legs over your shoulders and go from there". The researcher says "That's interesting, because in Yorkshire a man said back legs in boots and front over a wall". "What?!" replies the Welshman, "No kissing?!"
• A farmer went to a psychiatrist, complaining that he was being sexually aroused by his horse. "I see", said the psychiatrist, "Is the horse a stallion or mare?" "Mare, of course!" answered the farmer angrily; "Do you take me for some kind of pervert?"
• A tourist is visiting Australia. While driving in the countryside, he spots a farmer with his sheep. The tourist asks, "Are you shearing that sheep?" The farmer replies, "No, get your own. I'm not sharing her with anyone!" This is a rare example of a sheep joke where the country names can't simply be swapped, because it only works with "sharing" said in an Australian accent.
  • "Sharing" and "shearing" sound different in Australia, however they 'do' sound the same in ... New Zealand.
• Two New Zealand pilots are flying a flock of sheep. Suddenly, the plane starts going down because of engine trouble. The first pilot says "We gotta jump out, get your parachute!" "But what about the sheep?" asks the second. "Fuck the sheep!" shouts the first. The second responds: "You think we have the time?"
  • There is a variant with kids and whatever celebrity/group is involved in the latest molesting scandal.
• A man arrives in a Gold Rush boom town, and asks in the saloon what they do for entertainment, since there are no women in the town. He's told there's a flock of sheep, and everyone has sex with them. The new arrival is horrified by this, but as the days go on he gets more and more desperate. Finally he decides that if he's going to do it, he's going to do it right, so he chooses a sheep, dresses it up, and takes it to the saloon for a drink. When he arrives, everything goes silent, and all the patrons stare at him in shock. Embarrassed he stammers "I was told everyone here did it!" "Yeah," comes the reply, "but we don't pick up the sheriff's girl!"
• In this skit, a man is trying to get into the gates of heaven. He was a philanthropist and devout Christian, and he isn't sure why he's being denied entry.
  St. Peter: Remember, God sees all.
  Man: Then you know about the-
  St. Peter: Yep.
  Man: And the-
  St. Peter: Yep.
  Man: And that one time...
  St. Peter: Heh, we got that one on tape!
  Man: But... but she was eighteen!
  St. Peter: Still a goat.
• The condom was invented in the early 8th century by Welsh shepherds, who prevented pregnancy by using the lower intestine of a sheep. It was later improved upon by using the lower intestine without the rest of the sheep.
• A professor at the University of Tennessee was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big South Carolina redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, goats."
• Jim Norton has a bit about bestiality, in which he says he's unsure of how to feel about it, and that opinion is due to depending on the size of the animal. A large animal, such as a horse or a cow, you're not going to hurt it, it'd probably never even notice. But a small animal, like a chicken or a small dog, you're a sick fuck who gets off on hurting things smaller than yourself because you never made a woman go "ow".
• An elderly woman had a fantasy about marrying a man who'd never been with a woman before. She applied to a rather discreet matchmaking service which gave her the name of an Australian gentleman. They got in touch, hit it off and soon were married. On their wedding night, she walked into the bedroom only to discover that all of the furniture had been moved to the side of the room. When she asked why her new husband replied "Well, I've never done it with a woman before, but if it's anything like kangaroos then we're gonna need all the space we can get."
• One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited. Soon a bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired. When the smoke cleared he couldn't see the bear. Then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder. The man turned around and there was the bear, standing 7 feet high, towering over him. The bear said, "You tried to shoot me, didn't you?" To which the hunter replied, "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well," said the bear, "in that case you will have to give me a blow job." Having no choice in the matter, the hunter did as he was told. That night, the hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge. So the next day, he went to the same spot, only this time he brought a huge elephant gun. Once again, the bear appeared and the hunter fired. After the smoke cleared, the hunter couldn't see a carcass. Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me, didn't you?" "Why, yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well, take your pants down and bend over. I'm going to have to screw you up the ass." Having no choice, the hunter did what he was told. That night, the hunter was really, really angry and resolved that he would get the bear, no matter what. This time he brought an M60. He went to the same spot and waited until the bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty rounds. When the smoke cleared, he couldn't see the bear. Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me, didn't you?" The Hunter gulped. "Yes, I'm afraid I did." The bear thought for a moment then said, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
• This can be found in some variations of the "you have two cows" economic satire for whatever place the author wants to insult: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
• There are a number of variants to a joke where a man pretends he can talk to animals or can make them talk. The final line is a warning by the animals' owner that the sheep is a big liar.
• One variant of the above: a traveling bard came upon a village that had just been raided by Vikings, who were destroying everything and taking the villagers as slaves. Unfortunately, one of the raiders spotted him before he could slip away. Thinking quickly, he decided that a distraction was his only chance:
  Bard: Now, why would you want to carry off a few slaves when you could acquire the unique talking animals that live here?
  Viking: Animals no talk.
  Bard: Ah, but they do! See that horse? (Bard throws his voice.)
  "Horse": Well, why would I talk to you? You burned down my barn and took away my stable boy!"
  Bard: Yes, the horses here talk! See that cow...? (points)
  (The bard continues with a few other animals "explaining" why they refused to talk to the Viking, until...)
  Viking: (stares in horror where bard is pointing) SHEEP LIE! SHEEP LIE!!
• What do you call the driver of a truck carrying sheep to <<place>>? A pimp.
• Two farmers were sitting in a bar, looking very sad.
  Farmer 1: Why are you so sad?
  Farmer 2: My tractor broke down and I can't afford a new one. Why are you so sad?
  Farmer 1: Last week I went to milk my cow, and she kicked the pail over, so I had to tie her leg to a post. Then I put the pail back in its place, but the cow kicked the pail with her other leg. I couldn't find another rope, so I used my belt to tie that leg to a post, and my pants fell down. Then my wife came in, and... well, I'll make you a deal. If you can convince her I was trying to milk the cow, then you can have one of my tractors for free.
• Two dogs in the antechamber of the vet's office are discussing what circumstances brought them each there. The first dog, a pit bull, says, "It's not my fault I bit that kid. He kept pulling my tail, even when I growled at him repeatedly to stop. The little brat had it coming, and now I'm gonna get put to sleep! It's not fair!" The second dog, a large Doberman, says, "Well, what happened to me was this: I have a really, really cute mistress, and every morning for the past three years since she rescued me from the pound, I've had to watch as she got out of the shower, dried off and rubbed her body with lotion, then dressed. Finally, this morning, I couldn't take anymore. So when she bent over, I jumped on her and gave it to her hard. Man, it was great!" The first dog then says, "So I guess you're being put to sleep too, huh?" To which the Doberman replies, "Naaah, I'm just getting my nails trimmed!"
• A man walks into a bar and plumps down on a stool, with an extremely sorrowful look on his face. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man replies: "Just this afternoon, I came home early from work and caught my wife in bed with my best friend." The bartender says, "Wow, that's rough, fella. What did you do?" The man replies, "I looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog'!"
• This joke crosses so many lines you lose orientation. So, a young reporter tries to get the Big Human Interest Reportage in Australia. He interviews a farmer. "So, what was your finest experience?" "Well, a sheep got lost in the outback. We sent a big posse out to find it. When we found it, we all celebrated by shagging it." The reporter winces. Not even The Sun would print that. "Uhm...eh...and second best?" "Well, the neighbor's fourteen year old daughter got lost in the outback. We sent a big posse out to find her. When we found her..." "Argh! Too Much Information!" The reporter tries a last time. "And your worst?" "Frankly, I don't want to talk about it. I once got lost in the outback..."
• A Dumb Blonde (or other type of woman you're insulting) excitedly signs up for a pet lover's dating site. Listing her favorite dog as "rottwilers", she eventually comes across a similarly-minded young man and sets up a playdate with him and his dogs. Her date comes over to her house to find her spread-eagle, inner thighs covered in peanut butter. "So that's what you meant by 'favorite food'? Kinky." The blonde laughs. "Silly boy, you're not supposed to lick it off! What site did you think we met on?"
• A farmer notices his cow isn't giving milk anymore, and calls a holy man known for his bond with all living things. The man listens to the cow's moos, and says "Ah, I see the problem. How long have you had this cow?" "Almost ten years now." "Well, she says that in all the years you've been groping her tits every day, not once have you ever told her you love her."
• A woman is lying in bed when her husband enters the room carrying a sheep under his arm.
  Man: This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.
  Woman: That's a sheep, idiot.
  Man: I wasn't talking to you.
• Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sheep started running every time they heard a zipper.
• An old man outside a diner can't help but stare at a biker punk across a street. A mean-looking youngster wearing a feathered jacket, with a tall rainbow mohawk and feathered earrings.
  The punk realize the old man is staring at him and marched over. "What are you looking at, old geezer? You haven't done anything crazy in your life?"
  "As a matter of fact, I did." the old man answered. "Molested a parrot when I was your age. Am now wondering, are you my son?"
• A man confesses to a priest "This week, I screwed a cat". The priest talks about the sin, assigns a penance, and the man leaves. Next week, the man comes again, and the priest asks "How, exactly, did you screw that cat?". The man answers "Well, I took the cat, stuck it in a boot until only the ass was outside, and then...". The priest says "Wish I knew. I still hurt all over from the scratches."
• A country priest meets a 7-year-old girl leading an enormous bull by its nosering.
  "My word! Where are you leading that animal, young lady?"
  "Over to the McGregor's farm, your reverence! It's for his cows."
  "But can't your father do it?"
  "Oh no, your reverence! His dick is much too small."