Line #87 Quotes/SwissCheeseSecurity


1	[[foldercontrol]]
2
3	[[folder:Fan Works]]
4
5	->''Annika-709 entered holding an electronic clipboard. "Doctor Zarkendorf, I have completed my review of your security measures. They are inefficient. Your guards wear [[FacelessGoons tinted visors]] and [[OneSizeFitsAll 'one-size-fits-all']] outfits, enabling them to be [[DressingAsTheEnemy easily impersonated]] by an infiltrator in a [[MuggedForDisguise stolen uniform]]. Their helmets have {{no peripheral vision}} and [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy interfere with the aiming of firearms]]. You continue to use [[SurroundedByIdiots officers of proven stupidity]] in order to boost your already inflated ego. Your [[PaidHarem slave girls]] are emotionally frivolous and likely to be [[SexFaceTurn swayed in their loyalties]] by a handsome adversary. Passageways are [[EvilIsNotWellLit poorly lit]] and have [[NoPeripheralVision numerous crannies for cover and concealment]]. The [[AirVentInfiltration ventilation ducts]] are wide enough for Jabba the Hut to crawl through. Your intruder detection system is tripped by [[LaserHallway laser beams that can be seen by the naked eye]] and evaded by a sensual {{contortionist}} in a [[SensualSpandex skintight leotard]]. I have located one hundred and [[DevelopmentGag forty-seven]] [[SecretUndergroundPassage concealed access tunnels]] you seem unaware of. Your computers use [[ThePasswordIsAlwaysSwordfish easily-guessed passwords]] and an [[HollywoodHacking operating system that is mysteriously compatible with that of every hacker on the planet]]. The [[SelfDestructMechanism self-destruct system]] is activated by a [[BigRedButton highly-visible red button]]. And what possible reason could you have for a self-destruct system in the first place?"''
6	-->-- ''Fanfic/Plan7Of9FromOuterSpace''
7
8	->''"Needless to say, as is always the case in these situations, the holodeck safeties are off, communications are dead, Level Ten forcefields have been erected around our position, helm control has been compromised, Voyager's main processor will no longer accept Janeway's command access codes, and the replicators will [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking only produce lukewarm coffee!]]"''
9	-->-- '''It Was Your Blood, Part Spoof''', a ''Series/StarTrekVoyager'' fanfic
10
11	[[/folder]]
12
13	[[folder:Films - Live Action]]
14
15	->''(Wonder Woman casually strolls into the Batcave)''
16	->'''Bruce Wayne:''' You know, I spent millions on this buildings' security.
17	->'''Diana Prince:''' Yeah, it sure looked expensive.
18	-->-- ''Film/{{Justice\|League 2017}} [[Film/ZackSnydersJusticeLeague League]]''
19
20	->'''[[InsufferableGenius Winston]]:''' Charles, why have we got that cage?
21	->'''Charles:''' Uh, security.
22	->'''Winston:''' [[DeadpanSnarker That's right, that's right - security.]] So what's the point in having it if we're not going to fucking ''use'' it?
23	->'''Charles:''' Well I would have used it, but this is Willie, and Willie lives here.
24	->'''Winston:''' Yes, Charles, but [[TooDumbToLive you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door,]] did you?
25	->'''[[TheStoner Willie]]:''' Chill, Winston. It's me. Charlie knows it's me, what's the problem?
26	->'''Winston:''' The ''problem,'' Willie, is that [[UpperClassTwit Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times.]] So just do as I say and [[SuddenlyShouting KEEP THE FUCKING CAGE LOCKED!!]]
27	-->-- ''Film/LockStockAndTwoSmokingBarrels''
28
29	->'''Mook:''' ''(via intercom)'' No sign of the intruder, Mr Adams.
30	->'''Adams:''' That's because he's sitting in front of me in the ''safe'' room, jack-off!
31	-->-- ''Film/MechanicResurrection''
32
33	->'''TheNarrator:''' Like every icon of every great economic power, Fredward was well protected. He lived in a grand fortress, above the Law, where no man dare enter without an invitation. It was because of this that no security system was maintained, making it possible for Stingray Sam and the Quasar Kid to gain entrance.
34	-->-- ''Film/StingraySam''
35
36
37	[[/folder]]
38
39	[[folder:Literature]]
40
41	->'''Kaladin:''' The guards let you in?\
42	'''Hoid:''' Technically? Yes.
43	-->-- ''Literature/WordsOfRadiance'' (second book of ''Literature/TheStormlightArchive'')
44
45	->''He delayed the answer he must give her so soon to ask, “How did you manage to stow away?”\
46	“I just sort of walked in when no one was looking my way,” she said.''
47	-->-- ''Literature/TheColdEquations'', on how Marilyn stowed away aboard the EDS
48
49	[[/folder]]
50
51	[[folder:Live Action TV]]
52	-> ''"I reckon you could walk up to [[UsefulNotes/TheMenOfDowningStreet Gordon Brown]], pull his trousers open, and pour custard down there. And after about a minute, the Special Services would go, "Actually, that's enough custard! He's the prime minister. It's coming out on his shoes, for Christ's sake. Have a bit of respect.'"''
53	-->-- Sean Lock, ''Series/EightOutOfTenCats''
54
55	->'''Andor:''' You just walk in like you belong.
56	->'''Rael:''' It takes more than that, doesn't it?
57	->'''Andor:''' What--to steal from the Empire? What do you need? A uniform, some dirty hands, and an Imperial toolkit. They're so proud of themselves, they don't even care. They're so fat and satisfied, they can't imagine it.
58	->'''Rael:''' Can't imagine what?
59	->'''Andor:''' That someone like me would ever get inside their house. Walk their floors, spit in their food, take their gear.
60	-->-- ''Series/{{Andor}}'', "Reckoning"
61
62	->'''Lawson:''' Aren't you going to ask how I got in here?\
63	'''Angel:''' No, you'd be amazed at how many people break into this building on a regular basis.\
64	'''Lawson:''' (mock despair) But I had a whole bit planned! About how "[[YouCouldHaveUsedYourPowersForGood I was always good with technology]]", and "[[BestServedCold you of all people should know that]]"?\
65	'''Angel:''' Yeah. Sorry. This place might as well be a bus station.
66	-->-- "Why We Fight", ''Series/{{Angel}}''
67
68	->'''Felicity:''' How did you get in here?\
69	'''Thea:''' My dad's a supervillain and you left your doors unlocked.
70	-->-- ''Series/{{Arrow}}'', "Al Sah-Him"
71
72	->'''Caitlin:''' What's wrong with [[Series/TheFlash2014 STAR Labs?]]\
73	'''Oliver:''' Well, I mean, absolutely nothing if you forget about the revolving door you guys installed so the bad guys can come and go as they please.\
74	'''Caitlin:''' Remind me again what happened to ''your'' old lair? Or the one before that?\
75	'''Felicity:''' Well, lair number one was compromised by the police, and...\
76	'''Oliver:''' ''[death glare]''\
77	'''Felicity:''' ...And I will stop helping.
78	-->-- ''Series/{{Arrow}}''
79
80	->''"I waltz through security with someone else's ID. Nobody gives me a second look. When the rightful owner shows up, there's no facility-wide badge check. I find access doors left unlocked or propped open, passwords written on Post-It notes. Warehouse workers are using pen and paper instead of electronic inventory devices, which leaves you wide open to pilfering. You got duplicate routing numbers on cargo, surveillance camera blindspots on the north and the east side of the floor, inventory documents that are going into the trash instead of being shredded, not to mention loading equipment being driven at unsafe speeds and crews disregarding safety protocol"''
81	-->--'''Mike Ehrmantraut''', ''Series/BetterCallSaul'', "Smoke"
82
83	->'''Barry:''' How did you get in here?\
84	'''Felicity:''' I literally just walked right in. You guys don't have any alarms or anything. You might want to consider something, anything at all.
85	-->-- ''Series/TheFlash2014''
86
87	->'''Janeway:''' What I want to know, Mister Tuvok, is how he was able to get a shuttlecraft off this ship without either of us knowing about it.
88	->'''Tuvok:''' Apparently he was able to override the lockout command.
89	->'''Janeway:''' I guess Seska's not the only one who knows how to compromise our security systems.
90	->'''Tuvok:''' [[HilariousInHindsight I assure you it will not happen again]].[[note]]It happens just a few episodes later in "Threshold". Not only does Tom Paris steal a shuttle, he abducts Captain Janeway too![[/note]]
91	-->-- ''Series/StarTrekVoyager'', "Maneuvers"
92
93	->'''Colin:''' I found him in the Oval Office. There didn't seem to be much security around; I just walked right in.
94	-->-- ''Series/WhoseLineIsItAnyway''
95
96	[[/folder]]
97
98	[[folder:Video Games]]
99
100	->'''Callie:''' If this is a private office, how does Judd get in?
101	->'''Marie:''' Maybe the security staff take a lot of breaks?
102	-->-- ''VideoGame/Splatoon1''
103
104	[[/folder]]
105
106	[[folder:Web Videos]]
107
108	->'''Kaiba:''' These guys are my elite [=KaibaCorp=] security agents.\
109	'''Joey:''' Yeah, great security, Kaiba. We just walked through the front door, no problem.
110	-->-- ''WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries'', Episode 39: "Card Games at 20,000 Feet"
111
112	[[/folder]]
113
114	[[folder:Western Animation]]
115
116	->Care to explain how our security was penetrated by a child?
117	-->-- '''Captain Black''', ''WesternAnimation/JackieChanAdventures''
118
119	->''"Because at that time that Pink was shattered, Rose Quartz had been a recognized threat for several hundred years. There were no Rose Quartz soldiers in her entourage and none in her guard. So how did a Rose Quartz, with no business being anywhere near Pink Diamond, get so close in the first place? Where were Pink Diamond's attendants? Her Agates, Her Sapphires? And where was her Pearl?"''
120	-->-- '''Defense Zircon''', ''WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse'' Season 2 Episode 2 "[[Recap/StevenUniverseS5E2TheTrial The Trial]]"
121
122	[[/folder]]
123
124	[[folder:Reviews]]
125
126	->We're so close, Secret Service. We're so close to letting a black President serve out two terms without anyone killing him, which would be a huge accomplishment for America in general, and you are FUCKING IT ALL UP by letting any crazy person with a gun or knife stand right next to [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama Obama]] in an elevator for eight minutes. You assholes still have two years left!
127	-->-- '''[[http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/10/ebola-paranoia-make-it-stop.html Drew Magary]]''', ''Make It Stop''
128
129	->'''[[Creator/BenCroshaw Yahtzee]]''': "I'd like a room for tonight, please! Just for one night, at this hotel, where this rich rock star is staying."\
130	'''Gabriel:''' "Hi, I'd like to learn to take off and fly a plane? [[DeadBabyComedy Don't need to worry about landing.]]"\
131	[later]\
132	'''Yahtzee:''' Now, the interior of Channel 6 studios is surprisingly insecure...\
133	'''Gabriel:''' Well, I mean, y'know. They have that impenetrable wall of 'boom gate and 60-year-old unarmed man behind not-bulletproof-or-[[RayGun plasma-proof]] glass.' Why would you need security inside after that?
134	-->-- '''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gry1oDJrNck Let's Play]]''' ''Dreamweb''
135
136	->The bad guy has no difficulty getting a nuclear submarine, because it’s simply something no villain should be without.
137	-->-- '''[[http://them0vieblog.com/2011/01/26/non-review-review-the-world-is-not-enough/ Darren Mooney]]''' on ''Film/TheWorldIsNotEnough''
138
139	->Shinji and his pals get a trip onto a fleet of ships. Now, Shinji I understand, being as he's the one who can pilot the EVA... But his school chums allowed into a top-secret paramilitary unit just to fool around? No wonder we won WWII.
140	-->-- '''[[http://spoonyexperiment.com/neon-genesis-evangelion/ Christopher Kinsey]]''' on ''Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion''
141
142	->'''Sisko''': [reading aloud] He says you're "an incompetent buffoon whose approach to criminal investigation combines the brains of a concussed ox with the fortitude of a baby trying to re-wire a fuse box."\
143	'''Worf''': Sir, I--\
144	'''Sisko''': "It's a wonder there's a piece of equipment still bolted to the floor of the ''Enterprise'' that wasn't hauled off, as Worf is so dim-witted, a thief dressed entirely in bells could steal his uniform while he was still wearing it."\
145	'''Worf''': ...If I could just expla--\
146	'''Sisko''': He says that for you, "a Pakled wielding a pipe might as well be The Riddler."
147	-->-- {{Website/SFDebris}} on ''Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'', "Hippocratic Oath"
148
149	->Yes, that's right, his security has failed yet again to stop someone from coming through the doors.\
150	You know, Lex, I'd just buy some [[SentryGun automated turrets]] that shoot at anything that goes beyond the gates. [[{{ComicBook/Transmetropolitan}} Spider Jerusalem]] style. Have a sign: 'Warning. Unauthorized access means fragging. Please press the button.' That's what I'd do, if it were my billions.
151	-->-- '''Neal bailey''' [[http://www.supermanhomepage.com/tv/tv.php?topic=reviews/smallville5-ep11 on]] ''{{Series/Smallville}}'' ("Lockdown")
152
153	->Clark really needs to install a security system on the farm. You know those robots he has in the Fortress in the comics? He needs to have them on this show and move them to the farm, right now. How many times has the farm been crashed? Lex practically lived there, Doomsday fell through the roof, I think Tess might actually have a key and every Kryptonian that visits the planet has valet parking at Chez Kent built into their travel package. Clark, I say this with all the love in the world, get better locks.
154	-->-- '''[[http://www.supermanhomepage.com/tv/tv.php?topic=reviews/smallville9-ep16 Julian Finn]]''' on ''Smallville'', "Escape"
155
156	[[/folder]]

Context Quotes / SwissCheeseSecurity