Line #44 Literature/TheCandidatesBasedOnATrueCountry


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3	->'''Hatchet:''' ''"You know, shit-stain, when we win this election, I'm going to have you and all of your dope-smoking friends rounded up and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Everything you and your fag buddies stand for makes us a weaker nation. We will annihilate you and make you shower, you stinky hippie."''
4	->'''Moondog:''' ''"You don't scare me, Webster. You'll never get that chance. When we get elected we're going to pass a law that, in order for a Republican to keep their gun, they must commit suicide with it."''
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6	-->[[StrawmanPolitical Hatchet and Moondog]], setting the tone for the novel at large
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8	The race for the US Presidency is on, and both candidates are as unqualified as they are hypocritical, as selfish as they are arrogant. Running for the Democrats is Harry Pinko, a [[TheStoner lazy stoner]] who's never held a real job in his life and whose only real political goal is to {{Troll}} rich people. His worthy opposition among the Republicans is Skip [=LaDouche=], an alchoholic CorruptCorporateExecutive who [[GunNut enjoys shooting things.]] [[CrapsackWorld So pretty much like every election year, really.]]
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10	However, unexpected complications arise as both men turn out to have had an affair with media personality Kimmy Faimwhorre, who threatens to go public with the details (and a sex tape) in order to fuel her own career. Suddenly, the liberal and the conservative have at least one thing in common - they absolutely need to [[HeKnowsTooMuch silence everyone who knows about the potential scandal, including each other.]]
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12	What follows is many failed assassination attempts and [[BlackComedy comedy that's of a shade of black]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_body rarely seen outside of theoretical physics experiments.]]
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14	''The Candidates (based on a true country)'' is a novel by Creator/MatthewSHiley.
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16	----
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18	!!This novel contains examples of:
19	* {{Angrish}}: Hatchet descends into this when he finds out that Kimmy, despite just taking a bribe to keep her relationship to Skip under wraps, has already hinted pretty strongly about it on public television.
20	-->'''Hatchet:''' I... I just... What the fff... You stupid wh.... We're so fff... I... I... I...
21	-->'''Kimmy:''' Duke? Hello? What the hell is wrong with you, dude? [[ComicallyMissingThePoint So when do I get my $460?]]
22	* BlackComedy: So very, very black.
23	* BreakTheCutie: Ling-Ling is a sweet, soft-spoken WideEyedIdealist. So of course she's the one who [[spoiler: gets bullied into having one of her arms amputated. And then loses the other arm in an accident. And then gets treated like crap by her boss and his toady, who do things like duct-tape her mouth shut because she can't defend herself anymore. And then ''dies.'']] Really, is it any wonder that she gets progressively ''less'' sweet and soft-spoken as the story goes on?
24	* ComicallySmallBribe: Subverted. Hatchet tries to buy Kimmy's silence with $200. She is very offended - and declares that she won't stay quiet for anything less than ''$500''. [[note]]He haggles her down to $460 in the end.[[/note]]
25	* DudeWheresMyRespect: Luther feels, with some justification, that he damn well deserves some as a decorated war veteran and community leader. Sadly, he's surrounded by outrageous racists who assume that he's a shiftless, thieving thug.
26	* EvilVersusEvil: Both the candidates are selfish, amoral, incompetent and pretty much entirely lacking in any redeeming features.
27	* ForegoneConclusion: We know that Skip and Harry will end up wheelchair-bound and DrivenToSuicide. The only question is how it happened.
28	* FunnyForeigner: Ling-Ling speaks in broken English and is notably naive.
29	* FunWithAcronyms:
30	** Kimmy's upcoming television show is set to air on the Family Understanding Children and Knowledge channel, or [=FUC&K=].
31	** [[SinisterMinister Brother Manlove]] heads up the Christians Love Of Sinners Eager to Tithe network, or [[TransparentCloset CLOSET]].
32	* GoldenMeanFallacy: Downplayed. Both extremes are shown to be equally bad and said to not represent the American people, but there's only the faintest hint of what a candidate who ''did'' would even look like. Since the specific political flaws Judge Judy accuses the candidates of are attacking gays (especially ones in the military) and pandering to large corporations for Skip, and attacking employers and pandering to lazy welfare queens for Harry, the "correct" policy might be assumed to be some form of pro-tolerance, small-government, patriotic libertarianism, but if so the novel doesn't spend much time dwelling on it.
33	* HypocriticalHumor: So much of it, starting with the Republicans throwing a ''Kill the Abortionists'' pro-life rally, and the Democrats responding with a counter-rally where they fire oil-drenched birds out of T-shirt launchers to protest Skip's environmental record. Oh, and when they find themselves short on ammo, they quickly raid a nearby zoo for endangered birds, drench them in oil and fire ''them'' out of the T-shirt launchers.
34	* OnlySaneMan: Luther is this for the Republican campaign and very nearly for the entire novel, being a genuinely decent and reasonable man in a world that is [[WorldOfJerkass neither of those things.]]
35	* TheNapoleon: Hatchet is very short, and does not like to be reminded of it. He's resolved that once he's ridden Skip's coat tails to power, everyone who's made fun of him will pay.
36	* NoCelebritiesWereHarmed: Skip and Harry seem to be strongly based on UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush and UsefulNotes/AlGore, respectively.
37	* NumberTwo: Hatchet is this to Skip, and Moondog is this to Harry. Each might be considered a HypercompetentSidekick, but only in comparison to the extreme incompetence of their respective bosses.
38	* ReallyGetsAround: Kimmy, to a downright terrifying extent. The forensics team going over her apartment keeps running out of containers to store the sperm samples in.
39	* ReasonYouSuckSpeech: Series/JudgeJudy gets to deliver one to Skip and Harry in the end. It's noted that the worst part of their punishment is that for once in their lives, they actually have to listen instead of talk.
40	* RunningGag:
41	** Every time someone mentions the time Kimmy had sex with a whole baseball team, someone else will helpfully remind them that [[BestialityIsDepraved she also had sex with the mascot.]]
42	** People keep showing [[SkewedPriorities more concern for wounded or dead animals than for dito humans.]]
43	** Skip being sure that Luther has StickyFingers.
44	* SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism: It's hard to imagine how it could be any more cynical.
45	* StrawCharacter: Very nearly every single character is a caricature of some undesirable political or cultural trait.
46	* TakeThat: To American politics, celebrity, people in general... Hardly anyone is spared. Except Creator/EllenDegeneres, everyone respects her.
47	* TeenyWeenie: Moondog has one. Unusually, he's not the least bit self-conscious of it.
48	* TokenGoodTeammate: Luther for the Republicans, and Ling-Ling for the Democrats. They both get treated like crap by the rest of the team, of course.
49	* TwoferTokenMinority: Luther (a half-black, half-Mexican war veteran with one leg) is specifically selected as Skip's running mate to be this for the Republican side. The Democrats one-ups them by selecting Ling-Ling: a half-Thai, half-Lebanese lesbian with ''no'' legs.
50	* VillainsActHeroesReact: Harry and Moondog fully believe in this trope and repeatedly comment proudly on the Democratic tradition of never taking any initiative but just attacking whatever the Republicans do. Subverted in that not only is this implied to be a really bad idea, but Harry and Moondog only ''think'' that they are in any way heroic.
51	* WideEyedIdealist: Ling-Ling genuinely believes in the Democratic cause, [[spoiler: enough to agree to sacrifice a limb for its success.]]

Context Literature / TheCandidatesBasedOnATrueCountry