Rome: Total War Liveblog

Just a note, the displayed income is the net income.

Oh, right (rushes off to edit).

Review performance?

Wow, you assembled another army that quickly?

Hows your economy holding up? Mine would be pushing empty at that level of military equipment.

Not much you can do except press on into Greek lands. Either go east into Macedonia and take the bull by the horns or head for Sparta and establish a secure southern source of reinforcements. Seeing as you've got an army now, I'd suggest Macedonia. Especially as you'll now need money. Go for the southernmost cities first so that you don't end up inbetween two armies.

So, I'm gonna go with Chainsaw's advice here and take down the Macedonians. Thermon battle posted in the next couple of days.

@Game, Yeah, the Greeks are pretty much screwed by this point. The only real forces they start with are 7-ish units in Syracuse (which has been taken by the Scipii by now), and the two garrisions of Thermon and Sparta. Their total military at this point is the Spartan Hoplites in Sparta, plus whatever they have in that city in modern Turkey. My economy's holding up alright, mainly due to the 5000 from the Senate and my ungodly taxation levels.

edited 1st Aug '10 11:35:43 PM by IniquitusV2

A Brother's Rage

Romans (Brutii) v.s. Greek Cities

Settlement defense level: Wooden Palisade.

Siege Battle - Spy succeeds!

Spy: "I'll give you cookies!"

Guard: "Oh, OK."

Spy: "D: He took my cookies! Guess I'll just have to pry them from your cold, dead hands later. :D."

Guard: "...What?"

Roman (Brutii) Army: 137 men

• Amulius (14 Bodyguards) (1 bronze experience)
• 30 Hastati (I) (1 bronze experience)
• 32 Hastati (II) (1 bronze experience)
• 24 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 37 Mercenary Hoplites

Greek Cities Army: 39 men

• Antigonos of Sparta (11 bodyguards)
• 14 Militia Hoplites
• 5 Cretan Archers (1 bronze experience)
• 9 Peltasts

Deployment

The Mercenary Hoplites are deployed as far forward as possible, with the Hastati guarding their flanks, and the Velites just behind them. Amulius is deployed slightly back and to the left.

The Peltasts are deployed directly behind the gate, with Antigonos just behind them.

Battle Start!

The entire Roman army moves up at a steady pace to go through the gate. The Velites, however, spontaneously suffer from the same pony-wanting illness that afflicted the peltasts in the last battle, and run forward towards the gate.

Velites: "ASDFGHASDFGH NEED TEH PONIE!!1!!"

Velite Commander: "STFU! Guys, seriously!"

The enemy general runs back to the cuty centre. The Velites are none too happy about their ponies going away, and promptly kill all but one peltasts in a single blistering spear volley.

Peltast Commander: "Ready, aim, <hail of javelins strikes> BLRAGH!"

The next few minutes are solely made up of the Roman forces marching steadily towards the city centre.

Closer to the centre, the Hoplites form up and take the lead, with a mass of Hastati marching just behind them. Amulius rushes off to the side and into the secondary forum GREEK GATHERING PLACE THAT HAPPENS TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE WHAT THE ROMANS HAVE BY ACCIDENT, ready to perform a deadly flank charge.

The Greek General charges headlong into the phalanx of mercenaries, and the Hastati charge in to help their well-paid friends after picking their jaws up from the street.

Hastati: "Why are the Greeks epically retarded?"

Mercernary: "Plot convenience?"

Antigonos breaks and runs after his bodyguard falters on the phalanx spears of his fellow Greeks. The Hastati, buoyed up by this turn of events, pursue him and pour into the squre. Amulius, out for blood for his brother, runs his bodyguard into the east side of the square and catches the Greeks flatfooted in the flank.

The remaining Greeks are summarily butchered through sheer weight of numbers.

edited 10th Aug '10 12:07:47 AM by IniquitusV2

Result: Roman Clear Victory!

Roman (Brutii): 135/138 men remain.

Greek Garrision: Wiped Out!

Unit Breakdown:

• Amulius
• 18 kills
• 13/14 remain

• Hastati
• 4 kills
• 30/30 remain

• Hastati
• 1 kill
• 32/32 remain

• Velites
• 10 kills
• 24/24 remain

• Mercenary Hoplites
• 6 kills
• 35/37 remain

No awards this time around, because this was a cleanup more than an actual battle.

Settlement Captured: Thermon (Large Town)

Despite the frenetic arguments of the local commander, the town is occupied, instead of exterminated.

Amulius: "These bastards killed my brother and thus defiled my family's honour! We should kill them for this insult!

Bodyguard: "...Sir, by that logic your brother would have died... <hasty calculation> ...463 times by now, if his claims were even half true."

Roads ordered in Thermon.

Roman: "They called themselves sophisticated and they didn't even build themselves a nice little stone path to litter with the bodies of their enemies?"

Town Watch ordered in Thermon.

Recruitment Officer: "Okay, we understand that you might all be a little pissed at your new overlords, but y'all have got to calm down. Now, who wants a weapon and access to the Roman barracks?"

Roman Spy moves to the border of Athens and Corinth.

TURN END.

A/N: That's all I got written up for now. You'll have to excuse me if I don't get another update up soon, because I've kind of got a lot on my plate right now. For those of you who ask, I'll be going for either Larissa (middle of the mountain range) or Corinth (central Greek city) next, both owned by Macedonia.

edited 10th Aug '10 12:32:13 AM by IniquitusV2

I'd recommend Larissa. Athens makes sure that Corinth isn't going to be much of a hazard any time soon. Larissa, meanwhile, is just outside your borders and has cavalry.

Oh, and nice lampshading of the Fridge Logic of allowing you to train soldiers in towns you've only just captured.

I'm presuming that the pay and the punishment for desertion is what's keeping them from killing you.

Turn Six - Winter 268 BC - Stop! Sitting-On-Our-Ass-Time!

A Greek Diplomat offers a ceasefire to Amulius at Thermon.

The resulting bout of laughter from Amulius incapacitates him for five weeks.

Mission Success: Blockade Syracuse!

Reward: Special Attention will be paid to your faction for election to the Senate Offices.

Senatorial Officer: "The Senate is grateful for your actions and gives you the following as a gift."

Tiberius: "Hey, anything for your domineering micromanaging asshole boss! Now gimme.

You got: +1 Prestige!

Tiberius: "What is this? I thought we were going to get some cas- hey why are you running away?"

Senatorial Officer: "No givesies-backsies!"

Senate mission: Take Salona (Rebel Town)! If you do this, the Senate will throw games in your honour.

Tiberius: "I wonder why they reward us for being selfish land-grabbing douches?"

Costruction Report:

Wooden Wall in Croton and Tarentum

Builder: "Now we can finally go to sleep without the bandits climbing over the palisade!"

Citizen: "You know that the walls are only thicker, not taller?"

Roads in Thermon

Recruitment Report:

• Bireme in Croton
• Equites in Tarentum
• Velites (retrained) in Thermon
• Town Watch in Thermon

Roman Spy infiltrates Larissa, despite a 33% success chance. Somehow.

Spy: "And for my next trick..."

Macedonian Army spotted just southeast of Larissa, consisting of mainly cavalry.

Roman Diplomat arrives at the Dacian capital and arranges trade rights and an exchange of maps. He also arranges for trade lanes to be opened to Thrace, romances the kings' concubines, sabotages a Separatist plot to blow up the palace, tutors the long-lost prince Garkurgartohakimor in the sacred art of firebeinding and rides into the sunset with the rebel base collapsing all around him.

Construction Orders:

• Trader in Croton.

Tiberius: "Guards! Find me a double prawn espresso, and make it fast!"

Guard: "But sir, prawns do not exist in our waters!"

(((Can you guys let Rule of Funny win through?)))

Shrine to Mars in Tarentum.

Vibius: "MAAAAAARS]!"

Militia Barracks in Thermon.

Builder: "How are Militia Barracks better than standard barracks?"

Recruitment Orders:

• Velites in Tarentum and Thermon
• Town Watch in Croton

The Syracusan blockade fleet decides that enough is enough and sails back towards Roman (Brutii) soil.

Aide: "Whadda we want?"

Sailors: "ANOTHER BEER!"

Aide: "When do we want it?"

Sailors: "NOW!"

The Fleet under command of Cassius Brutus makes it to the bay west of Thermon.

Amulius: "What is that noise?"

Music: "We are the lazy generation/We are the Lazy Generation/NOW!"

END TURN

edited 14th Aug '10 10:56:32 PM by IniquitusV2

Rule of Funny can do anything... and that diplomat is a badass... though you forgot to tell us his name.

edited 13th Aug '10 11:02:07 AM by GameChainsaw

@Game He's Caius Flaminius.

EDIT: F@#$ YOU, DOUBLEPOST.

edited 14th Aug '10 10:23:28 PM by IniquitusV2

Is he a distant ancestor of Chuck Norris?

Distant predecessor, more like.

Turn Seven - Summer 267 BC - MCR Nonstop

Macedonian Spy discovered in Thermon!

Tiberius: "Aha! They have reneged on their neutrality! I hereby declare war on Macedonia!"

The First Punic War erupts as the Senate And People Of Rome, the Julii, and the Scipii declare war on Carthage. The Brutii remain neutral and blame it on the paperwork.

Tiberius: "I told you I don't have the forms!"

Senatorial Officer: "But they're right there on your desk! Look, I can see them!"

Tiberius: "Well, my sight has been leaving me and so I- waitaminute, you seem familiar. It's the guy who cheated us out of munnies! GUARDS!"

The officer gets away with his life.

Construction Report:

• Barracks in Apollonia

Drill Sergeant: "Lef'! Lef'! Lef' Righ' Lef'!"

Recruit: "Shouldn't you be saying: 'Sinistra, Sinistra, Sinistra Dextra Sinistra', Sir?"

Drill Sergeant: "What's that pussy language, Recruit?"

Recruit: "...Isn't it our language, Sir?"

Drill Sergeant: "Maybe it's yours, Recruit, 'cause it sounds like a PUSSY'S language! My only language is the ancient tongue of Getdownandgivemetwentyyoulittlepussylandia!"

Recruit: "But no-one will know what you're talking about, Sir!"

Drill Sergeant: "Then I'll just shout louder!"

• Shrine to Mars in Tarentum

Citizen: "Wait, didn't Kratos kill him?"

Priest: "Shut up before the Greeks realise we stole him."

Recruitment Orders:

• Velites in Tarentum
• Velites in Thermon
• Town Watch in Croton

The Diplomat keeps going into barbarian territory.

Amulius departs Thermon reluctantly after recieving Tiberius' orders to "squish Alex's old people" and camps in the pass south of Larissa.

Amulius' Army:

• Amulius Brutus (18 bodyguards) (1 bronze experience (7 stars) (Faction Heir)
• 30 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Town Watch

Amulius: "Did my brother's death teach my father nothing? Is this truly the sort of life I am destined to lead - seeing my closest friends torn from my grasp in moments of agony and being the only one left standing?..."

Admiral Spurius drops off Cassius and his men not fifty feet from Amulius' temporary camp.

Spurius: "How are we supposed to find him in these crags?"

Cassius: "I'm sure we can find him if we just perk up our ears a little..."

Amulius: "THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEEAAAL..."

Cassius: "Found him!"

• Inside the Roman Command Tent*

Cassius: "Hey, Uncle, how's cri- whoa, where'd you get black eyeliner that doesn't kill you in this day and age?"

Amulius: "...Nephew?"

Cassius: "Uncle, pardon my Greek, but what the hell is wrong with you?"

Amulius: "They took your father... I could have saved him.... I trusted him too much..."

Cassius: "No, you didn't. A flank charge against an unmodified light infantry unit by a unit of Faction Heir bodyguards should never have resulted in the loss of the character."

Amulius: "But I still failed him... I should have taken more care..."

Cassius: "Call in the therapists!"

Roman Sailor troop comes in.

Cassius: "A-one, two, threee and-"

Roman Sailor Troop, in four-part harmony: "And always look on the briiight side of Life!"

Cassius: "De-doo, de-doo de-doo de-doo!"

Roman Sailor Troop, in four-part harmony: "Always look on the briiight side of Life!"

Cassius: "De-doo, de-doo de-doo de-doo!"

Amulius: "DEAR JUPITER, MAKE IT STOP!"

Cassius: "Only if you promise to stop acting emo!"

Amulius: "...Fine."

System Message: [Amulius Brutus] is no longer having a sad!

Larissan Assault Force:

• Amulius Brutus (18 bodyguards) (1 bronze experience (7 stars) (Faction Heir)
• Cassius Brutus (12 Bodyguards)
• 27 Equites
• 27 Equites
• 40 Hastati
• 30 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites
• 40 Velites
• 40 Town Watch
• 40 Town Watch

The army then moves to just outside Larissa.

The Aide and Admiral Marcus raid a shoreside brewery to make up for the distinct lack of getting plastered this liveblog has had so far.

-In The Morning-

''Aide: "Urgh, my head... Marcus, Where are we?"

Marcus: "My emodar is at an angle of 150 degrees to my compass so... I make it the southern coast of Italy."

Aide: "Yeah... Hey, that was one hell of a party last night, eh? I D'you think that town's still standing?"

Marcus: "Don't think so... Nnngh, I need coffee."

Aide: "Wait, if this is Roman soil, then the town we wrecked was..."

Tiberius: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, COMPLETELY DESTROYED?"

Aide & Marcus: "OH. CRAP."

The fleet makes like a tree and anchors off one of the small islands of Greece, hoping to escape from Tiberius' wrath.

Construction Orders:

• Militia Barracks in Tarentum.

Vibius: "And why is it that the PAID SOLDIERS get worse living quarters than our LAST LINE OF DEFENSE?"

Aide #2: "Sir, do you have any idea how much sheer bitchiness they put out if they don't get the best we can offer?"

• Land Clearance in Apollonia.

Stand-in Governor: "There is HOW much crap lying around? That's it, we're gonna clean up this town!"

END TURN

Mother of F%CK that took me long to do.

edited 3rd Oct '10 6:06:56 PM by IniquitusV2

And we're back.

Turn Eight - Winter 267 BC - Schedule Slip No Jutsu!

Construction Report:

• Trader completed in Crotoon.

Tiberius: "THE SHRIMP STALLS ARE BACK! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! RUUUUUUN!"

Recruitment Report:

• Velites in Tarentum
• Velites in Thermon
• Town Watch in Croton

Admiral Spurius sails to the southern tip of Greece.

Marcus and the Aide row like they're getting paid for it, running into and over a Greek fleet in the process.

Sea Battle:

Romans (Brutii) -60 Triremes- v.s. Greek Cities -24 Triremes-

Result: Roman (Brutii) Victory!

• 43/60 ships remain.
• Greek fleet sunk!

Construction Orders:

• Temple Of Mercury in Croton.

Tiberius: "KEEP UP, JULII!"

Vibius: "Guys? Can I come over? Dad's starting to scare me..."

Recruitment Orders:

• Town Watch in Croton.

Recruit: "Is making a massive statue of our leader really part of the training regimen?"

Tiberius: "How dare you question me! Just for that, you have to carve the hair! And I'll know if you give me an inaccurate style!"

Finished Soon

edited 22nd Oct '10 3:17:41 PM by IniquitusV2

Brilliant. Was chuckling from end to end.

Good idea going after the Macedonians, they'll give you trouble for sure if you leave them and the Greeks shouldn't be too much of a threat as long as you can keep their fleet off your back. Which you already seem to be doing.

• blinks*

...How in the name of Pterry did I get this handle back?

No, seriously: How?

Ah well. One of life's mysteries, I guess.

On with the show!

Turn Eight - Winter 267 BC - Cont'd

Recruitment Orders: (cont'd)

• Velites (Tarentum)
• Velites (Thermon)

The Diplomat reaches the distant Scythian capital and oversees the establishment of trade lanes, an exchange of maps, and wins the local horse race despite going up against the local hero, Equusus.

The Larissan Siege Faorce manages to get something done despite the efforts of their omnipotent controller and lays siege to Larissa. This causes war to break out between the Brutii and Macedon.

Macedonian Diplomat: "But we had a trade deal!"

Tiberius: "And now we have a give-us-all-of-your-land-deal! Isn't progress wonderful?"

But the Diplomat isn't even in- But you're still in...

...How the hell did that just happen?

Cassius: "Nice going gramps, ya broke our almighty master."

Tiberius: "Bah, he'll be back in a few months, promising another update."

Amulius: "I swear, you two are insane. For the last time: There is NO all-powerful being that tells us what to do."

In other news, Amulius will be spearheading the attack on the walls of Larissa all by himself. Isn't that nice?

END TURN

@Game Chainsaw: As always, good to hear it! Maybe your hiatus'll give me a chance to catch up, eh?

Next Time On Dragon Ball Z Rome - Total War: The Macedonians mount a surprise counterattack! Will the honking great big army I dispatched win through?

edited 14th Nov '10 4:16:07 PM by Iniquitus

Winter 267 BC - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Enemy Turn

Admiral Spurius gets ambushed by a Macedonian fleet.

Sea Battle:

Romans (Brutii) -40 ships- v.s. Macedonia -37 ships-

Result: Roman (Brutii) Victory!

• 33/40 ships remain.
• Macedonians forced to retreat.

Fortunately, the staggering incompetence of the computer prevents him from actually losing.

Amulius: "What, is that all they have to offer? I don't know why I was so worried before."

Cassius: "Um, Uncle? You may want to come outside..."

A Macedonian relief force, with a band of local conscripts in tow, launches a surprise atack on the Roman siege force, showing a scary degree of competence.

Amulius: "How in Elysium did they manage to sneak up on us like this? Why didn't our spy inform us of this?"

Meanwhile...

Spy: "~I'm havin'/ really nice day/ really nice day/ really nice daaaaay~"

BATTLE: Macedonia V.S. Romans (Brutii)

Oh No, Not Again

Pre-Battle Analysis:

Roman Siege Force: 437 men

• Amulius Brutus (18 bodyguards) (1 bronze experience (7 stars) (Faction Heir) (General)
• Cassius Brutus (13 Bodyguards)
• 27 Equites
• 27 Equites
• 40 Hastati
• 30 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites
• 40 Velites
• 40 Town Watch
• 40 Town Watch

Macedonian Relief Force: 241 men

• Aloesus (13 Bodyguards) (0 stars) (General)
• 40 Militia Hoplites
• 40 Militia Hoplites
• 40 Archers
• 27 Light Lancers
• 27 Light Lancers
• 27 Light Lancers
• 27 Light Lancers

Macedonian Reinforcements: 41 men

• 41 Militia Hoplites (contain General)

Macedonian Garrison: 115 men

• Gyras (21 Bodyguards) (4 stars) (General) (Faction Heir)
• 40 Militia Hoplites
• 27 Light Lancers
• 27 Light Lancers

Total: 397 men

Comments: Yup, they managed to sneak up on me again. This battle is, at its most basic, a replay of the one outside Thermon, with a few major differences: Firstly, I have almost twice he number of soldiers that I had back then. This puts me at a significant advantage if only for one reason. Secondly, my army has a perfect Cavalry/Infantry/Ranged 1:1:1 split - not as much of an advantage as it seems, because of the last point: Thirdly, the enemy has a CRAPLOAD of cavalry - maybe not the sort that'll hold up against Roman footsoldiers, but still enough to pose a legitimate threat if they all strike at once. Ideally, I'd want a 1:2:1 Cavalry/Infantry/Ranged split for this battle, to better soak up charges. I'm not sure whether Velites can beat off an attack by Light Lancers, but it's something I'd rather not have to try. Also, the high mobility means that the possibility of the Macedonians retreating and linking up with the garison is very high - and that means I'm stuck with sitting tight and hoping my general have their Hats Of +4 Stabbing on.

Tl:dr I don't have enough footsloggers to mob the enemy horsies, and I can't move enough of my horsies up to catch them without risking getting ganged up on.

This is gonna be fun...

Edit: Apparently 'too long: didn't read' in shorthand returns "laconic version". You learn something every day, eh?

edited 26th Nov '10 4:46:23 PM by Iniquitus

Try to pin down those horsemen with some heavy infantry; hastati make mincemeat of light lancers in melee and even your humble town watch will give them serious pause. Your velites?... not such a great idea, but I've seen skirmirshers beat cavalry in melee if they can bog them down. Expect heavy casualties however.

You may, ironically, want to leave skirmirsh mode on. Cavalry get a charge bonus which will devastate skirmirshers. They don't get this bonus when pursuing skirmirshers, so the skirmirshers can often turn the tables after heavy initial casualties if deployed in the rights circumstances. Remember that infantry have one major advantage over cavalry; they outnumber them.

And use your cavalry aggressively; equites and light lancers going against each other comes down to who hits who first. If you cavalry charge pell-mell into the enemy cavalry while they are stationary they will wipe them off the field with few losses.

EDIT: Remember you still need enough infantry to deal with those militia hoplites! Your town watch won't stand a chance in hell against a phalanx, whatever the angle! You need the hastati or a high enough numbers for a flanking maneuver, preferably both advantages, to turn the tide in this battle.

Furthermore, don't forget your general, and watch out for the enemy general. Amulius and Cassius will decimate light lancers.

Further EDIT: Your side has the advantage of higher morale due to your general. Your job will be, therefore, to shock the enemy off the field. Do not get dragged into an attritional battle.

Yet more Editing: Two more things for last. Try to keep your infantry together, a big block of soldiers supporting each other, even in a swirling melee, works wonders against isolated bands of charging horsemen. Finally, you have two units of generals bodyguards. They have one. So, nail the enemy bodyguard in the front with one general and then slam them from behind with the other. If you can kill the enemy general those seven stars should make you unassailable.

One More Edit: The unit controlling the equipment has a rams head icon in the corner of its uni-(click.)

edited 25th Nov '10 3:37:43 AM by GameChainsaw