Of course not! This is Jack Chick. If it's not in the Bible, then logic be damned.
rrrrrrrrr
Sadly, I don't think Apocamon has gotten far enough to get to the literal ten headed dragons. There's stinging wasps with hideous maiden's heads, though.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
super sugoi kawaii neko desuas
I'm pleased I could bring this kind of twisted joy to you all. These tracts - while mildly depressing to find that there are some people who literally believe these things - are utterly hilarious in their absurdity. Poe's Law
in action, I guess.
I love the end of Somebody Goofed. As one blogger put it "This should be the 'you died' screen on every video game ever from now on." So frickin' funny!
Keep up the good stuff, William!
an heroic gesture would do the world good
(weaving)
We actually have a page on Poe's Law.
SHIKI is dead.
I'm a secret character!
Would those be ten dragons that have heads, or an indeterminate number of dragons that happen to have ten heads?
Grabbing is where you must begin Shaking for treasure from within Throwing far is how to win!
(weaving)
A single dragon that has ten heads. Although I thought it was seven heads and ten horns, or is that a different dragon?
SHIKI is dead.
Embrace the mindscrew
The red dragon has seven heads with ten horns and seven crowns, yeah.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
(weaving)
And now, another episode of "William lulzblogs Chick Tracts because he's a masochist!"
So, first panel. We're at a creepy castle, it's a full moon, there are nasty-looking animals outside(including a dog with rabbit ears and fangs which is probably an abomination of some kind), and according to the talking castle(no, wait, talking castles isn't cliche enough for Jack Chick, so it's probably just somebody in the castle), it's almost midnight. Jack Chick has distilled cliches into their purest form.
In the second panel, we are presumably inside the unfortunately probably non-talking castle, and we cut to a bunch of guests who are all designed to look like horror movie villains, except for one random dude with sunglasses and a moustache in the back. And the dialogue is that Vampira is pregnant. Apparently this haunted mansion includes a TV-show host based off of The Addams Family.
Third panel. The background has turned from having only a flame in the background made of dots into all-white. One of the random background vampires asks the doctor vampire when the baby will be born. The doctor vampire makes a cliched line about his calculations and tells us that the child will come forth on Halloween on a full moon. But Wait, There's More!!
He went into room 13, and... wait. I have to get this off my chest. ENOUGH WITH THE CLICHES, JACK! YOUR VILLAINS DON'T HAVE TO SET THEIR ENTIRE LIVES AROUND THE SHALLOWEST CARICATURES OF FOLKLORE! Okay, now I'm done. He summons "the ancients of the dark world", and out comes THE GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN!
And this coming child will be more powerful than all the other vampires combined, and gave his name. Let's see how cliched it will be? Will they name the child Alucard, because that's pretty much the most cliched totally-not-Dracula name ever now? In the next panel, he tells us how dangerous even saying his name is before he is born. And the panel after that has one of the weirdest facial expressions I've ever seen. And his name is...
IGOR!
But seriously, Jack Chick? Igor? That guy was the assistant to the creator of a monster, and didn't even exist in the original book. It was created in one of the film versions. And this is your idea of an evil name? I seriously hope Satan is messing with you.
But anyways, he said the child's name before it was born, which means that he is going to die. I haven't seen the next panel yet, but it's probably going to be his death. Because Jack Chick never foreshadows anything more than a panel ahead.
Next panel, a lightning bolt strikes. Not sure if it hit the exposition vampire or not.
Nine months later, it's Halloween, and there's some guy with a monocle. Igor has been born, and is The Chosen One, blah blah, blah, incredible power, and we'll see him before his first bite. I'd like to note that the vampires haven't actually done anything yet. Oh, and one of the vampires is Osama bin Laden, who ironically would probably get along quite well with Jack Chick once they realized they were both batshit insane. Oh, and a Title Drop. Slightly less obnoxious than the one in "He Goofed".
And now we have overbars and underbars telling us about dragon masters, grand lodge leaders, and the mysterious "9 unknown men". And they summon The Great Pumpkin Prince to tell us that he shall not fail! So now they're looking for a virgin to be Igor's first victim. The next panel cuts to a random girl, whom they somehow know is a virgin. And now we have a cross between Legolas and George W. Bush telling some creepy vampire that the girl's name is Faith. Which means she probably has faith and is an obnoxious Jack Chick protagonist. I hope the vampires win.
And a wizard is giving a child whose face is being concealed from us because Gainax is running out of money in order to convey a sense of mystery(It doesn't work, by the way—he looks like a gay rock star from the back) a lesson on biting. And actually, you don't want to bite in the carotid artery. You can suck more blood if you keep them alive for as long as possible. That's what Dracula did, and according to the footnotes of the edition of that book I'm reading, previous vampires always bit in the bosom. But that's enough talk about actual vampire stories.
And now we have cars approaching the mansion in order to see Igor. And it reveals the face of the most powerful vampire to be... the pimply-faced teenage version of Alfred E. Neuman!. In a suit that makes it look like he's going out on a prom date.
And the underbar tells us that they're preparing to cast spells on Faith, their poor little victim. And they've made sure that her parents are away, and they're drugging her aunt.
And now we cut to the next panel, where Faith is praying. This means she is almost certainly an unlikable Jack Chick hero, and so I hope the vampires win. They won't though, because this is a Jack Chick tract, so the "good guys" always win. Next panel, you see the vampire pissed because she's carrying a Bible. Which could be a problem, the big vampire says. "Nonsense! What Could Possibly Go Wrong??" says the other vampire. So...many...cliches...I'm...drowning...
Anyways. Next panel, Faith is giving little kids dressed as witches and other things some candy and little comics, which are probably Chick tracts, because this is our "hero". I hope the vampires win even more now, because somebody giving impressionable young children Chick tracts is a monster.
And in the next panel, we're supposed to guess who lurks in the darkness as the last of the children leave. I'm going to guess.........Komato General Tor? No, there's like six ways that that would be impossible. It's Igor, of course. And it's raining.
Next panel, Faith is telling Aunt Wilma she's quitting, because it's late, except that she can't because her aunt is drugged. The doorbell rings, and...It's Gendo! Igor, freezing cold and soaking wet. So Faith offers to give hot chocolate.
But Igor doesn't drink...wine hot chocolate. * And Faith is somehow unterrified of Igor, and Igor is somehow not sinking his fangs into her virgin neck. Seriously, Igor! Just drink her blood already! You're a metaphor for a rapist, you don't have to ask her if it's okay!
But anyways, Igor says how Faith should be terrified of him, despite the fact that he isn't sinking his teeth into her neck like he should(that would terrify her), and Faith starts quoting from the Bible, because she's a Chickbot.
And in the next panel, Igor finally moves in to sink his teeth into her neck, and Faith sticks her arm out in order to activate her telepathy ask Jesus to stop him. Predictably, Jesus does. When Igor asks how she did it, she tells him that Jesus did, and she starts talking about how Jesus will get rid of all that ugly stuff inside him.
Back in the castle, the vampires are sure that Igor is succeding, while our villain "hero" Faith is converting Igor to Christianity. And the next panel quotes John 3:16 because nobody has ever seen that particular Bible passage before!
And in the next panel, Igor decides to go home and tell his vampire family about how Jesus has fixed him. His vampire family is horrified. His fangs are gone. The vampires go to the Great Pumpkin who told them that Igor would not fail, and he said that he lied.
And the next panel has Faith telling us how Satan is a liar and you should stay away from him, but Jesus can't lie, because he's God. Except that God does lie. He lied to Abraham, telling him "SACRIFICE TO ME YOUR SON!" but then at the last minute saying "Just kidding! I just wanted to see if you could do it! Give me a pigeon instead or something."
And now a panel telling us to believe in the Lord, and the box at the bottom of every Chick Tract talking about Jesus's precious blood. You know what, considering how he bolds that, I'm going to 
that Jack Chick is a vampire.
Yes! Religious fundies vs. Twilight Fan Dumb! What weapon shall reign victorious, hardcover bibles or copious amounts of glitter?
(weaving)
By the way, "SACRIFICE YOUR SON" isn't a lie. Commands can't be lies. Right? And while writing this I told Goggle Fox over IM that this is "the only time you'd wish they *would* sparkle"
edited 12th Sep '09 10:13:01 PM by WilliamWideWeb
SHIKI is dead.
Embrace the mindscrew
He didn't say He wanted it though, it was just a command.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
And a test of faith.But yeah, I read that tract, it was pretty funny.
"You fail to grasp the basic principles of mad science. Common sense would be cheating." - Narbonic
(weaving)
Yeah, it was mostly a test of faith. And honestly, pretty much every single god at that point in time was a massive dick.
But anyways, what Chick Tract do you want me to read next?
SHIKI is dead.
I would like to re-iterate my request for a Liveenbloggening of the Islam one.
Not actually back.
DUMB
Allah Had No Son I'm thinking hypocrisy.
ninja'd appropriately!
edited 13th Sep '09 2:19:08 PM by Tzetze
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
That's not the one I meant. The OTHER one, where the evil villainous Islamic kid tries to trick the other kids into saying evil Arabic prayers.
Not actually back.
I'm looking, I'm looking!
Not actually back.
Aha! Damn, but that one has some creepy faces.
Uncle Grandpa Drosselmeyer?!
(weaving)
After reading the required amount of Dracula for English class, I shall lulzblog!
SHIKI is dead.
*shrug* Ask whoever wrote Revelations.
edited 12th Sep '09 6:29:49 PM by Pseudonym
<(-_-<)(>-_-)> "FUSION HA"