On Raising Children: Parental Controls

One of my best friends and I have almost always agreed with each othe on everything. There is one major difference.

My parents are strict (comparatively), while his parents are much more loose in rules (comparatively).

Thus, we came to a disagreement.

Should parents enforce rules for their children to follow so they don't make mistakes they regret?

OR

Should parents let kids do what they want, because the only way they will learn is from making the mistakes?

Is their an equilibrium? What is it?

For me, personally. I felt that until a child's brain is fully developed, they should have a certain amount of restraint put on them. Especially because learning from a mistake does one no good if they now have to suffer the consequences for the rest of their life.

The argument I received a lot for this reasoning was the catholic school girl problem, where kids from super strict parents suddenly went wild once they had their freedom.

I'd like to hear some more educated opinions on this.

Equilibrium. Try to prevent mistakes that could wind up with permanent consequences.

So where do you draw the line? Specifically? Not let them drink? Not let them date? Supervised dates?

edited 1st Oct '10 3:31:06 AM by A_H_R

I find drinking at the late teens to be an acceptable idea, provided they demonstrate control. Got no issue with dating.

While I am nowhere qualifies to answer, not being parent myself, I think there should be an equilibrium. Mistakes that have long-lasting consequences should be prevented, while those that have short-time consequences should be allowed.

For example, my parents did not hold a bad mark during an ordinary class against me, but if I failed the end-of-quarter test, there would be trouble. As for drinking, they actually let me taste beverages during celebrations, so I found out that I simply don't like the taste and had zero interest in drinking since

edited 1st Oct '10 4:44:48 AM by Beholderess

Middle of the road. You never never NEVER hold their hand the whole way. You need to on a great many things let them figure it out themselves. Let them learn from mistakes, let them get hurt. For example with girlfriends/boyfriends, let them feel what it's like to have a relationship even if it ends badly. A little heartbreak doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger. (I know from experience, the girlfriend I had in high school left me after over a year.)

At the same time you can teach things that you know will otherwise lead to stupid or bad outcomes. Take drugs for example. I have no intention of ever sugarcoating or hiding what drugs do to somebody and when I tell my future kids about them I will go into such great detail on the medical consequences that it will literally Scare 'Em Straight on the issue.

edited 1st Oct '10 6:16:01 AM by MajorTom

Isn't is pretty much common knowledge that you have to find a happy medium between too many strictures and too much freedom? Of course, the balance point will be different for each kid.

I think a good approach is to give them the illusion that they have total free reign, while limiting that free reign to a controlled environment - like, the living room, or only with her toys, or something like that. They think they're in full control, but they're really not, just like we are as adults - we have constraints placed on us all the time. It's only when they come up against that boundry that they see that they can't do everything they want. But as long as she's happy to play or discover or learn in the environment we have given her, then I can let her be for hours. Isn't that kind of like our lives as adults? We operate within the parameters we're given, and as long as we do that, we're free to do whatever we like within those parameters.

Well, until she gets hungry. It's amazing how often she wants to eat something.

The extremes are to be avoided, of course, but I'd err on the permissive side rather than on the strict one. Let them do what they want to do as long as no significant risk of permanent damage is involved, and when (not "if", "when") they screw up and do something stupid help them out and give advice about how to correct the mistake, but without going all "I told you so".

That's more or less how I and my siblings were raised, and as a consequence of that I'd say that we tended to heed our parents' advice and orders more than most of our friends: since our parents gave us orders so rarely, when they told us to do something we knew that they had some damn good reason to do so.

edited 1st Oct '10 2:36:32 PM by Carciofus

^ Tru dat. It's probably easier to see where you've been too lax and tighten it up than to recognize where you're being too strict.

@Major Tom: Unfortunately, heart break is the least of the problem. Sex, STD s, pregnancy, in general psychological problems from having sex even if you use condoms...

Sounds like you've already made up your mind, so why are you asking?

...not yet a parent? I wondered about that a lot before I was a daddy.

@Norn: I want to hear other opinions. Yeah, I'm a stubborn ass, but I am mostly asking questions for the sake of seeing how other people would react to it.

For instance, if everyone said 'PARENTAL CONTROLS WTF' I'd probably be a bit inclined to look over my views. For now, it's more of me wondering out loud, and wanting to hear varied feedback.

My above post was less 'nuh uh you forgot about blah' it was more 'but how DO you handle that, cause I sure as hell don't know.'

edited 1st Oct '10 6:44:15 PM by A_H_R

@Major Tom: Unfortunately, heart break is the least of the problem. Sex, STD s, pregnancy, in general psychological problems from having sex even if you use condoms...

And that's where being a father (or mother) comes in. You teach them these things so they can make the right choice and figure stuff out for themselves.

Nobody can teach you how to deal with your first time at sex. That's one thing you figure out for yourself. STD's and pregnancy is something you teach and they make the decision themselves for better or worse hopefully keeping in mind what you taught them.

Makes sense. Guess it comes down to how you can figure that out.

I think I would be inclined to not trust my kids just because I knew that my parents were wrong to trust me.

But, in the end, it's something you just have to guess at, I suppose. Blasted child rearing.

. A little heartbreak doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger. (I know from experience, the girlfriend I had in high school left me after over a year.)

I disagree. I doubt it 'makes you stronger'. Being dulled to pain (if you get dulled at all) does not 'make you stronger'

At the same time you can teach things that you know will otherwise lead to stupid or bad outcomes. Take drugs for example. I have no intention of ever sugarcoating or hiding what drugs do to somebody and when I tell my future kids about them I will go into such great detail on the medical consequences that it will literally Scare Em Straight on the issue.

I wonder how you'd Scare 'Em Straight about things like M Arijuana, as example. Even E & LSD can be taken relatively safely, if you do it in a controlled environment.

Cocaine/Heroin/Etc yeah... edited 1st Oct '10 6:16:01 AM by Major Tom

I'd go into medical detail, scientific stuff like chemical concentrations, what each chemical is, and the health effects it causes on humans. Spare no details at all.

edited 1st Oct '10 7:10:18 PM by MajorTom

Parents usually let their kids try a sip of whine or a cigarette under their supervision, just so they can see how bad it is. I could see some doing the same for the less legal drugs.

Also, Tom, while I definitely agree with that method, where would you draw the line? Would you use the same tactic if they do not take prescribed medicine? Eat junk food? Sit around watching tv all day?

edited 1st Oct '10 7:19:36 PM by A_H_R

Why not? Knowledge is power. The better they are at making informed decisions on life choices the better the decisions.

I'd go into medical detail, scientific stuff like chemical concentrations, what each chemical is, and the health effects it causes on humans. Spare no details at all.

IF you know that much you can help your children synthesize drugs! Father & Son makng LSD together....awesome

I wish I had a dad as awesome in my life as you would be re. that. Good thing I don't have an involved father at all, but that is digressing

I could see some doing the same for the less legal drugs.

Well the alcohol depends on the type. Also, 'acquired taste'. I'd find it cool that you'd get your children weed...though I know that is not unheard of, people discussed this on forums before.