Maid of Win
LAST TIME, ON “LET’S WATCH: DINGO PICTURES’ “ANASTASIA” !”
Our heroes were tested. Rasputin was bested, then arrested! Russian dolls were nested. And my mind was molested.
Again. So quickly.
(shudder)
Part 8: Wherein Rising Action Falls— Hard
We left off with the French soldiers saying a line I won’t repeat for fear of going catatonic again. Asha thanks him for his help — apparently, moustache dude’s a general— and we get a close-up of his nostrils again. “My pleasure, madmoiselle. Takehimaway!”
Rasputin, who is apparently fluent in both Broken English and Angrish, grumbles to himself; his eye twitches all the while. Fade out.
Well, that’s the end folks! I hope you enjoy oh dammit. It’s not over. I should have known, this movie doesn’t know when to quit.
We open on another establishing shot, this time of Paris— we know this because we pan past the Notre Dame cathedral, which is hilariously out of scale and probably reused from Dingo’s take on The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Jaunty French accordion music plays in the background— it sounds like Gus Viseur, the famous French accordionist. Then we pan over some rooftops.
Dum dum dee dum.
Doot doo dee doo.
Movie? Are you awake there, movie? ‘Cause it’s been about twenty seconds now— I think we’re done establishing Paris. We’ve had out fill of rooftops, thanks— we’d like to get back to the plot noowwwwwwait, no, actually, know what, just keep panning over rooftops for the next five minutes or so. Yeah, the French accordion music is fine, but keeping panning and ignore the plot. I’ll wait.
“Parisss!” says Ivan. DAMMIT! I thought we had a deal, movie!
Cue another shot of our heroes in their carriage. This time, however, the wagon is floating over streets instead of snow and grass. Boris, Asha, and old-orange-coat-guy-who-still-doesn’t-have-a-name-but-I-call-him-Ivan have finally made it!
“I never had dreamed,” says Ivan, “NEVERrrr in my life, that I would come to Paris.|
A cat walks precariously on the edge of a Parisian roof. First Pointless Animal Shot of the city!
Asha and Ivan are standing on the street; the goofy-faced horse eats some hay that is just laying in the street for no reason. “So many streets how can we find the Grand Duchess here” says Asha. What, does Moscow not have streets?
Boris walks away. Asha asks where he’s going, and he replies, “To that shop. In the shop, they’ll certainly know where the Grand Duchess is.”
The shop he enters is a clothing shop. Ivan comments that this is a good idea, since the GD loves shopping and if you wan to find info on her, you should ask at a “fashion salon.”
Boris walks away from the store— he didn’t actually enter it, but I guess they’re hoping it was implied. Ugh, so freaking lazy.
“And?“ asks Asha. “Do they know where she lives?”
“Of course! Not far from here in fact only around the corner so to say.” So they all pile into the wagon to go around the corner. That seems like a bit of a waste.
They drive onto a rich neighbourhood, with huge town houses. I say huge, but they’re not really. Like everything else, they’re way out of scale.
Pointless Animal Shot: A ripoff of the girl cat from Disney’s The Aristocats.
A buffoonish-looking butler answers the door. In the finest tradition of Rasputin, Ivan, and that one shop owner before his accent dropped, butlerton has a ridiculous French accent— complete with nasal whine.
“Mon dyeuh! Rahshins again! Well, am I rright in zee assumption that you will say that the girl is Anna-STAH-zia? She”
“Is Anastasia!” Wait, hold up, was that Boris or Butler? They share a voice actor, I’m not sure if he just messed up the back-and-forth or if he’s interrupting. Actually, I am, because if he were interrupting it would be painfully obvious. Okay, another misread line, then.
“Meh-quee, meh-quee (wha? Is he trying to say “Mais oui?”) Anastasia the 25th! Evidence, s’il vous plaît!”
“No,” says Ivan. That’s pretty well all I can get out of him— I think he’s trying to speak French, but he has an accent, and it’s always a woman lowering her voice, which just adds to the confusion, so I’m just confused. I’m pretty sure the intention is Ivan misunderstands, and we are all supposed to LOL at the language barrier. That doesn’t exist, since they all speak English. Gaaaaah.
“Sorry, without evidence, no entraaaaaanssss” says the nasally butler.
“You arrogant snot!” says Ivan. “We are rrrright when when are started the rrrevolution Russia!”
…(sigh) Just forget it, it’s not going to magically start making sense.
The butler GASPs because that’s what you do. Maybe he’s making a rude noise, I don’t know.
“Don’t be so rude dear father,” says Asha. “Comrade Butler (my head just fell on my desk) this is the pendant which I received as a child from the Grrrand Duchess.” Is Ivan’s accent rubbing off on Asha? Whatever. We also get a nice little insert of Asha holding out her pendant; her thumb looks like it’s jutting out from of her wrist. And it suddenly fits into her palm— did you trade in the hubcap for a travel-size model?
“Zut! Can have been forged,” says the butler.
“That’s enough!” cries Boris. “Get him Sasha!” And Sasha starts chewing on the butler’s leg. They actually took the time to draw a new pose for the butler and Sasha, which is impressive, for Dingo.
We cut to an old woman sitting on a couch in a very plain room. The kitten from Aristocats sits next to her.
Close-up on her face. Why, it’s the Grrrand Duchess! “Oprey!” she says. It might have been “open.” I’m just writing what I hear.
The three heroes are in her room. In a sequence Dingo Pictures didn’t animate, they force their way past the butler the butler, racing up the stairs. Asha trips but is caught by Boris; they shared an awkward moment staring into each other’s eyes before being interrupted by the butler, who has shaken off Sasha. They’ve lost track of Ivan, who went on ahead, and continue running. First the hide behind a stuffed tiger, then nip into a closet. More awkward closeness, and an Almost Kiss, before Ivan opens the door. Embarrassed to catch his daughter in such a position, Ivan backs away, stumbling into a door. The sound of his body beating against the wood is misinterpreted by the Grand Duchess as a knocking, and she calls out for the visitors to enter, which they do.
At least, that’s how I imagine it went. All Dingo gives us is “Sasha chews Butler, heroes transport to room.”
I like my version better. It has tigers.
“Russian peasants what do you want!” says the GD. She seems pretty calm for a rich woman who’s just had her gates crashed by a trio of poor, probably smelling, strangers.
“Be brave Asha,” says Ivan.
“Gotoher,” says Boris.
“look at this, comrade,” says Asha, holding out her pendant.
“COMRADE?” says the GD. “What do you my comrade! I am the Grand Duchess Ulga of Romanov!” She is so incensed, her lips flaps wildly even after she stops talking. “Comm…PREE?”
“Some I’ve heard that sentence before,” says Asha. (In case you’re wondering, and I’m sure you’re not, GD said the same thing in scene 1. I don’t think I commented on it because it was dumb.)
“That’s it!” exclaims the GD, her accent wavering. “That’s the pendant which I presented to Anna-STAH-shia! I recognize it exactly! Meh-quee!” They— they ARE trying to says “mais oui!” That is atrociously bad. It’s pronounced a bit like “may-we,” only without a diphthong on the “y” and the “e.” I don’t even know how they got the idea it had a “k” sound. Maybe they thought it sounded funny. Heads up, dubbers: It doesn’t. You sound like dolts.
“That’s what I told you,” says Boris, looking very feminine. Is that Maybelline I spot on your lips?
The GD sounds very happily and exclaims, “Come here ma petit(e) are you really Anastasia?”
“AaaarrRRRUUHhnnnrrRUUHnn YES!” says—- RASPUTIN?!
WHAT THE SHITTING SHIT???
“Yes thisss iz Anastazzia indeed your grandd-”
WHERE DID RASPUTIN COME FROM? HE SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER ARREST! THE GENERAL PROMISED! HE SAID, “HE WON’T MOLEST YOU AGAIN SO QUICKLY!” “HE WON’T MOLEST YOU AGAIN SO QUICKLY!” AND YET HERE HE IS, MOLESTING THEM AGAIN, SO QUICKLY!
Are we going to get an explanation? Are we going to get closure? Are we going to learn why lame dramatic music suddenly starts the second Rasputin shows up?
No, of course not. Because Dingo Pictures hates you. Yes, you. Personally.
“RASPUTIN!” cries the Grand Duchess. “I was right all this time! Too shuff! Too shuff!”
???
I got nothing.
Rasputin laughs eeeeeeeeevil, and there’s this weird echo effect that actually makes it sound genuinely creepy. But I bet it was just a mike problem.
The GD looks like she’s shocked too. Her profile is flapping its lips in stunned silence.
Rasputin, looking comically huge in the tiny hall, shouts, “Look at us you and I twhat unfortunately I made a mistaaaaaaaaake by not touching (!) this girhl, only fshe’s dead kan I come to powah” and he hauls out another round, black, fuse-lit, cartoon bomb.
AGAIN? What is WITH the cartoon bombs, Razzy? And where do you keep hauling this weapons from? First the sword, then— no, wait, I don’t want to know. Argh.
“Dmitriiii!” cries the Grand Duchess. “Do somethiiiing about it mais veet veee!”
Who… who’s Dmitri? Is it— did they actually slip up and call Boris "Dmitri"? I think they did. Oh please say yes please say yes please say yes. That's hilarious. That means that mistake slipped past not one, but two set of writers— the German AND the English ones. And that means… well, I guess nothing. But it is pretty funny.
“To ‘EEHHLL withaaaal ovyou,” says Rasputin.
I assume he throws the bomb, but they don’t show it.
Nobody in the room moves. Literally, they’re just standing there. They’re less animate than usual, which is saying something. There is no sound, except the cheesy ominous music.
Suddenly, Sasha arrives and starts sniffing at the cartoon bomb. “Stop Sahsa stop Sasha!” cries Asha/Anastasia. “This is not a ball this is a bomb.” As she says it, Sasha pushes the bomb with her nose. “Stop!”
The bomb starts rolling and— this is honestly what happens— it rolls over to Rasputin, who is still in the fucking room.
He threw a bomb into a room while he was still in it.
And didn’t leave once he did it.
And just stands around while the bomb rolls slowly over to him.
…………………RAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSPUUUUUUUUTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! What the HELL? That is the WORST villain death in the history of villain deaths! Disney Death don’t mean shit next to this.
Rasputin?! You wanted to be president of Russia? YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA! You FAIL at evil presidents! Fail fail fail fail fail! Not killing Anastasia was stupid, but this— this is unforgivably stupid! YOUR VILLAIN LICENSE IS OFFICIALLY REVOKED!
AND YOU'RE DEAD.
SUCK ON IT.
YARGH!
ANYWAY, as expected, the bomb rolls over to Rasputin. Not moving, nor ducking out the door, not bothering to throw the bomb back, Rasputin just stands there— an gets exploded. Same explosion as last time— jagged orange lines, white screen. Less crashing glass, more cries of anguish. Or maybe Angrish— it was his native tongue.
If there’s one thing Rasputin can do, it’s continue yelling even after he blows up. They should put that on his epitaph.
So, Rasputin is dead because the bomb exploded down the hall of where the heroes were standing. That must mean everyone is dead, right? The last time a cartoon bomb went off, the whole freaking house burnt down. So everyone is dead and the movie is finally over and they’ll roll credits and we’ll see the names of the three people that made this movie.
But no. Things never got the way I want them to, and everyone who was standing on the other side of the room when the bomb explode is alive and safe.
They’re all alive… and safe.
They don’t even have burn marks. They aren’t even coughing from smoke. They aren’t even wiping Rasputin’s gooey bits off their jackets. Everyone on the other SIDE OF THE ROOM WHEN THE BOMB WENT OFF IS PERFECTLY FINE !
…
“That was close boy were we lucky,” says Boris calmly. It’s not luck, Boris. You’ve made some sort of unholy deal with the devil. That is the only explanation for your survival and this awful movie. How many babies did you sacrifice to get this greenlit? How much virgin’s blood did you drink??
Asha/Anastasia/whatever is not so calm. “You heartless man how can you sAAy thaaaat Sasha is dead and you say we’re LUCKY? And you wanted to go to America with meee?”
Wait, what? When did he say that? Did they cut that scene? They kept the stupid animals in but the cut the part where he asks Anastasia to go to America with him? WHAT THE HELL, MOVIE!
Then suddenly, I hear— I know that music. I know that music. The lowering bit, and then the trills— oh, no. No, nonononononono. Not that music! Anything but that! Bring back the harp, bring back the accordion, bring back the ominous drama music, bring back the midi bongos, just don’t play that horrible “happy” music! Dingo Pictures, please, don’t, DON’T—
THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Awwww if you’ve never heard this tune, be glad. Try to wipe it from your memory. This is Dingo’s “happy” music— it plays non-stop in Dinosaur Adventure. It plays any time they have a character exploring or doing something “fun” or something. It is a total earworm, but it is UTTER SHIT. Gaaah now it’s in my head! Damn you, Dingo, DMAN YOU!
It goes without saying that while this music plays, Sasha walks out of the bomb area, alive and well. Unlike the others, she’s actually covered in black soot.
Ivan, I’m waiting for you to say she’s a servant’s daughter.
… Still waiting.
Sasha, damn her, barks some more, but it covers up the music, so I don’t totally hate it. “Excuzz me Aaaasha,” says Ivan, “what did you just say about Amerikkaaa?”
“Well, ah,” says Boris. I think maybe he’s actually just making the “you’re wanted on the phone” sign, not throwing up the horns. Oh well. “The Grand Duchess has offered a reward!” Way to not answer the question.
“A thousand rubles!” says the Duchess.
“Ten thousand rubles!” corrects her granddaughter. She sounds awfully sharp, but then, if my nanny had suddenly lowered the reward on finding me, and it was cheap to begin with, I’m be a bit pissed, too.
“Hmmm,” says GD.
Boris, facing a wall, continues: “And with these ten thousand rubles, Asha and I wanted to go to America. That’s what we thought up on our journey.” Oh, I see. So that’s what all that fidgeting around in the wagon was about, then.
“To the land of the proletariats you must be mad,” says GD. “Blah blah terrible French.”
“Hmm,” says Ivan. “Amerika. Why not?” Proving Ivan has a habit of making life-altering decisions in seconds.
“That is not possible,” says GD, “you cannot leave me here alone after I have found my granddaughter — again — at, LAST!” Okay, good job on taking breaths, VA— now focus on making it sound natural. Natural. It’s this thing human beings do when they talk— they sound natural. Try it, some time.
“Uhhhh I sense the worst,” says Boris. “I hope the Grand Duchess doesn’t want to come with us.”
Aaaaaan fade out.
Thus endeth the climax.
What shit. What complete, utter shit. Rasputin comes straight outta nowhere, nothing makes sense, and to top it all off, THAT BOMB. BOMBS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! NOTHING WORKS THAT WAY!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is one minute left to the movie. After watching that, I don’t really want to watch then end. “It’s not worth it,” my mind says. “Plus it’s 1 AM and your feet are cold. Go to bed.”
And I will. I will, tonight. But tomorrow— tomorrow, I end this.
Stay tuned.
Thanks for the all fish!
Responsible adult
“Oprey!” she says. It might have been “open.” I suspect the latter, because there's certainly nothing "grand" or "old" about this cartoon.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
"Au pres"?
I think Boris' middle and ring finger are missing. He was caught thieving and they cut off his fingers as punishment. I mean, you never see them in the whole movie.
imokaywiththis.gif
Oh, Razzy, Razzy, Razzy...you deserved something much better than that.
The least they could have given you was a snazzy musical number.
I have seen the amateur, and it is me.
He...but...the bomb...and...the room...they...were...I...
There isn't enough data in the entire world to display all the exclamation points needed to convey how stupid that scene was.
I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!
The Ant King
Was I right, or was I right?
Kill all math nerds
I have seen the amateur, and it is me.
Kinda. It wasn't exactly "boring", so to speak. 
The Lunatic in Your Hall
I don't think anyone actually made this. I think it was found next to a copy of the King in Yellow in an old, abandoned building and unleashed on the world by mistake.
I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.
It's me.
^^^^^ That was meant to be "entrez" French for "come in" or "open".
Seriously this was the last place I would think of finding a complete and utter butchery of one of my favorite languages. At first I was all "lol they suck lolz". Now it's personal.
...Let us in...
Maid of Win
^ I speak French fluently, and I seriously did not catch that. It really just sounded like garbled nonsense to me. The French in this movie is just so awful.
Then again, so's the English. And the everything.
Thanks for the all fish!
Maid of Win
Well, this is it, guys. So far, we’re suffered through shoddy animation, lackluster plot, boring characters, hundreds of plots holes, grating music, even more grating voices, and a disastrous climax. We’ve seen ridiculous fires, Russian stereotypes, bombs that defy logic, enormous pendants, and twitchy eyes. We’ve seen the laws of time and space bent, seen common sense butchered, seen scenes fade in and fade out. We’ve seen cats, rats, dog, birds, deer, rabbits, and about fifty other pointless animal shots.
We have seen much, but there is still something we haven’t seen. We have not seen… the end. Unless you watched ahead, then, uh, you have seen the end. But others haven’t, and I haven’t, but I, and you, by which I mean the ones who didn’t watch ahead, will see the end now. Did that even make sense? I blame the movie.
This is it, guys. The finale, the denouement, the conclusion, the final countdown, the last straw— the end.
It’s the last part of Dingo Pictures’ “Anastasia.”
Let’s dance.
(Watch it here)
Part 9: My Only Friend— The End
Fade in on some men sitting on a mast. Seagull cries tell us we are near the ocean.
We’re ON A BOAT! Sorry, I should mind my meme manners. Our three heroes— Anastasia, Boris, and Old Father of the Orange Coat aka Connivin’ Ivan, lean against the rail of the ship. They seem happy.
I’ve noticed that, even though it’s spring in the rest of Europe, they are all still wearing their Russian winter clothes. Shouldn’t they… change?
Oh, who am I kidding. Half the population of Moscow didn’t change clothes in over six years, why would these guys change in only a matter of— months? Weeks? Days? Minutes?
“Dmitri! Dmitri!” calls the Grand Duchess. She is on the boat as well, but is not standing with the others— she’s surrounded, instead, by barrels.
I guess Dmitri is the name of her butler— so it wasn’t a mistake last time. Oh, well. Funny name for a Frenchman, Dmitri. She asks Dmitri if he’s packed all her things, and he she‘s asked him that for the fifth time. We get a little Call-Back to the first scene, as the grandmother says, “Better to be safe than sorry, or so my deceased husband, God rest his soul, said nessss pah?”
Okay, I have a thing for Book Ends, so I find this a bit cute.
“Boris, dear father,” says Anastasia, “I remember that once again! I’ve heard all that once before!”
Wow. Way to kill the subtlety, Anastasia. You just ruined the one good thing this movie had going for it. Why did you call attention to the bookends? Why? Did the writers think they were so clever no one would catch it? We got it; everyone got it! It only happened HALF AN HOUR AGO! Actually, I watched it a WEEK ago and I STILL remembered it! Why would you… don’t you have any sense of… why kill the one…
Ugh.
Dingo Pictures: Everything it touches turns to ash.
“Asha!” says her father in response. That’s… yup, that’s it. Nothing else.
“To America c’est incroyable!” says the Grand Duchess. She doesn’t actually say “c’est incroyable” like that, I just wrote it that way ‘cause I’m tired of butchering French. How many languages do you have to ruin before you’re happy, Dingo Pictures? All of them?
Anyway. “To America c’est incroyable! Democracy, Indians, gangsters, et mon Dieu…”
I’m… not sure how to interpret that. That’s an… odd list of American qualities. Is she happy about this, or unhappy? Why are “Indians” sandwiched between Democracy and gangsters? That’s just weird.
And we close on Boris laughing.
…
Um.
…
It’s over? I know I’ve said several times that I wish it would end, but now that it has, it seems a bit— unfinished. Aren’t Boris and Anastasia supposed to get together? What’s everyone supposed to do in America? How does Ivan feel about being related to the Grand Duchess? What happened to the witch? What’s going on in Russia? Who’s president? Is Trotsky president? What happened to those revolutionary servants? What about the peasants? And the shop owners? And the horse? What about the— they EVERYTHING?
I didn’t think a denouement could be so anti-climatic, but… it is.
…
(headdesk)
It’s just terrible. You know it’s terrible, I know it’s terrible, we knew it was terrible from minute one, and it kept being terrible right up to the end. It’s terrible, and it continues to be terrible, even after it’s over, because a movie that never ends continues to suck by dint of it not ending. Thus, this movie is in an eternal state of suckiness, from which it can never escape. It is a black hole of entertainment, sucking the joy out of those who venture too close. We, the foolish few who dared to watch its horribleness, are left dry and withered as a result. There is an emptiness inside me and, I would guess, inside you; this emptiness comes from realization that we have lost a part of our lives by watching this. We have lost time, we have lost innocence, we have lost happiness, we have lost hope. We have stared into the abyss, and it started back at us— and we blinked first. This is a burden we must carry, a dread weight that hangs upon our hearts: We have watched Dingo Pictures’ “Anastasia,” and it has marked our very souls.
So what I mean is I didn’t like it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh welp that’s enough for me.
I think I’ll take a little break before I do another one of these. It really took something out of me— I didn’t expect it to be so terrible. I mean, it started out bad, but as soon as Boris showed up it just got so bad. And then the climax was just so nonsensical, and this ending is a load of bull. Ayyyyy. I totally just wasted about a day of my life, and I want to live again for the next little while.
Before I end this, I want to thank everyone who’s been reading and watching along with me. It means a lot to have someone read your work, and it especially helps when you’re doing something like this, where it’s often hard to work up the energy to go even watch it. I appreciate everyone who’s commented.
I’d especially like to thank Willy Four Eyes, Myrmidon, Nifty Lost Kite, Arilou, goodtimesfreegrog, melloncollie, and Freezair, for sticking with this from start to end. Your jokes were much cleverer than mine, and I enjoyed reading them. It’s really wonderful that you kept with this, even though the movie was bad and the reviews were long (and frequently nonsensical, upon reread). You guys are great. Thank you so so much. :3
And to everyone else reading, thanks as well. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as best you can, considering the subject matter. :D
Final word count on this project: about 18,736. That’s easily the most words ever I’ve typed in a week. I actually feel kinda… proud. I guess even some good can come out of bad, right? There can be diamonds in dung.
That’s all, folks! Take care, keep your noses clean, and above all, don’t get molested again so quickly.
By which I mean, don’t watch Dingo Pictures again without me. ;) ‘Til the next!
-Ronka
Thanks for the all fish!
Responsible adult
Aww, I feel special! 
And am reminded that I'm technically neglecting an LB myself. Heh heh heh...
What are the bets that, in Dingo Pictures Land, their Pochahontas cartoon is chronologically after this one? Since, you know, that one has Democracy (sort of) and Indians and gangsters (again, sort of). Because in Dingoland, that makes sense.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
imokaywiththis.gif
For the record, I wasn't really here from the get-go, but I still like what I've read. It has been a pleasure suffering through with you, and thanks for motivating me on writing my own liveblog!
Now, for the sake of completion, I feel I should spend forty minutes of my own time watching this and seeing how my mental image of this movie compares to the real thing. I might not make it out alive.
READ THIS COMIC. | Read along as I play through my games collection!
It's me.
Because I'm bored:
"Where Are They Now?" Epilogue:
Anastasia: Shortly after her arrival at New York, her Laser-Guided Amnesia became worse and worse. Slowly she became unable to remember her name, what happened yesterday, until finally she became a complete confused wreck. Driven insane by her inability to remember what happened the day before, she attempted to run away into some dark alley. She was never heard or seen from again and was probably molested. Again. So quickly.
Boris: Having successfully played the Russian royal family for suckers, he managed to steal almost all of the valuables from under their noses. Ironically for a theif, his inability to properly price his goods made him the laughing stock of any con man worth his salt. He lost his fortunes as easily as he had stolen them, and died from excessive alcohol consumption.
Ivan: Increasingly terrible hygiene and having forgotten any other clothes besides the ones he wore made the old man increasingly sick. He would not survive the boat trip to America and the poor family was forced to throw his rotting corpse overboard or risk attracting all sorts of terrible diseases. Also he was a hermaphrodite. Just because.
Sasha: Sasha never survived the blast. The delusional people, most likely suffering some sort of premature disease due to Ivan's hygiene, dreamt all of her consequent reappearances.
To be continued...
Razputin: Of course he didn't die. He's Razputin. He faked his death, Took a Level in Badass, and burned Not Russia.
Not Russians: Their inability to properly run away from fires consisting of more than 2 frames of animation would lead to their downfall. When Razputin burned down the entire country to erase any memory of his experiences here, the Not Russians hobbled like lambs to the slaughter. Not Russia would take decades to recover and would never host a democracy every again.
Razputin's rat: Was promptly sacrificed by Razputin to fuel a dark ritual to allow Razputin's immortality. No one knows whether the ritual was successful or not.
The "French Bordermen": Were quickly identified to be a band of bandits masquerading as real guardsmen in a fit of lunacy. They were captured by real officials, and are now living out their sentence.
That witch a while back ago: Died of old age. No one cared.
Dingo Pictures: They continue to produce mockeries of more successful animation. But as long as people use their brains, they will always be repelled! Fight thinkers! Fight for everlasting snark!
Ronka87: Hardened by the recording of such an event, returned to T Vtropes, where nightmare of the horrors of Not Russia still haunt her. Luckily, T Vtropes has enough awesome to forget about them.
edited 1st May '10 4:42:57 AM by NiftyLostKite
...Let us in...
Maid of Win
^ Way too awesome to describe. That is just the best.
edited 1st May '10 9:03:49 AM by Ronka87
Thanks for the all fish!
Responsible adult
*slow clap for Kite*
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
I have seen the amateur, and it is me.
It's me.
*bows humbly*
...Let us in...
Inquisitor
It’s just terrible. You know it’s terrible, I know it’s terrible, we knew it was terrible from minute one, and it kept being terrible right up to the end. It’s terrible, and it continues to be terrible, even after it’s over, because a movie that never ends continues to suck by dint of it not ending. Thus, this movie is in an eternal state of suckiness, from which it can never escape. It is a black hole of entertainment, sucking the joy out of those who venture too close. We, the foolish few who dared to watch its horribleness, are left dry and withered as a result. There is an emptiness inside me and, I would guess, inside you; this emptiness comes from realization that we have lost a part of our lives by watching this. We have lost time, we have lost innocence, we have lost happiness, we have lost hope. We have stared into the abyss, and it started back at us— and we blinked first. This is a burden we must carry, a dread weight that hangs upon our hearts: We have watched Dingo Pictures’ “Anastasia, ” and it has marked our very souls. Someone should put that quote on Dingo Pictures' (Pictures's? Picture's?) page, or at least on their quote page.
edited 2nd May '10 6:48:24 PM by SantosL.Halper
I have seen the amateur, and it is me.
Maid of Win
Willy, you have an excellent career ahead of you as a quote Miner!
And thanks for the quotes pages, guys. '/////'
Thanks for the all fish!
I have seen the amateur, and it is me.
*bows* Thank you, thank you...
I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!
Responsible adult
You deserve it, Ronka, for sitting through this.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
For every name that's been erased...
As you know, I really enjoy your liveblogs. I thought Dinosaur Adventure was the first one.
I was wrong. So, after finding this hidden treasure, I archive binged it. It's a great start to your Dingo reviews and —
— oh, who am I trying to kid, sounding all formal? There's really only one word to sum this up, and it's BABUSHKAAAAAAAAA.
G'job.
~Pirka
I know what you mean. It took me a full two days to actually sit through the whole of Dinosaur Adventure.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada