Let's read various bad fanfictions

To steal a phrase from Ashens' videos (and gentlemanorcus' troper page), hello, good evening and potato. Back in the distant mists of history (August), I posted a liveblog about Mark Moore's infamous fanfiction Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament. I gave up, eight chapters in out of 50. Because it was boring. I don't think you understand how boring it is. BORING BORING BORING.

In fact, I almost typed "BOEING BOEING BOEING" there. How appropriate, because tonight's presentation is Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen, the fanfic that introduced the world to half-breads. This one should be an easier go, not only because it's short (8 chapters) but because it's a more animated level of awful than MSG Tournament.

Without further ado, HEY! HO! LET'S GO!

Chapter 1: Atlantiana

From the get-go, it's obvious that our author perpetrator Rebecca Laura Jane Audrey Mac Millan (a.k.a. beckymac666) is a devoted reader of the Tara Gilesbie canon, right down to including an "AN" at the beginning of the chapter, the "666" and the obscene number of X's. Let's see what evil lurks, shall we?

''AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok! no critisism pls! tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.''

Becky spells a bit better than Tara, as you can see. At least she manages to make an excuse for her bad spelling, viz. dyslexia and the mysterious new condition of "unformality", but if she was really dyslexic she would probably have help. Oh wait, there is a proofreader (Vicki, presumably the equivalent of Raven), but she still lets a lot of mistakes past. God, if this is what the fic is like with a proofreader, what was it like on its first upload? I shudder to think.

Right, enough ado, let's read. Basically, this whole first chapter is describing the main character. The name of this being is Atlantiana (Jesus that's a pain to type) Rebekah Loren, but "everyone calls [her] Tiana or just plain Tiaa", so that's what I shall do. She is a 16-year-old girl and lives in Forks, Washington unnecessary exclamation mark. As opposed to icy blue eyes like limpid tears and long ebony black hair down to my mid back, Tiaa's hair is long and pale like spun gold and "skims" to her waist like a pale shimmering amber mist and her eyes are deep forgetminot blue. Like Ebony, she is also pale, but at least she has the decency not to cake on the makeup - her delicate fentures actually are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight (so, grey and trampled, then?).

Anyways, a lot of sleazy and ugly and HORNY older guys tell her she looks like a model or a bunny girl and try to make opt with her, which is disgusting and weird. Actually, that is disgusting and weird. A lot of the girls she meets tell her she's anorexic which she isn't because it's SERIOUSLY disrespectful to people with real eating disorders. More words of wisdom from Becky then. They were just being BIATCHES especially one girl named Ellie Mayfair who she hopes DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE. She says that she isn't a batch, but so far, yes she is.

Bah, I've written all that on ONE PARAGRAPH. Blabbity blah, big boobs but really thin, likes people staring at her, lip ring, indigo and magenta highlights, listens to COOL music (which according to Becky's profile page is "linken park,fall out boy,paramore,greenday and mrc". MRC? Linken Park? What are those bands? I've never heard of them!). Standard-issue Emo!Sue. Let's get to the story.

So it's Tiaa's first day in Forks High School, because she moved there with her foster parents Dave and Marie, who I bet will never be mentioned again. Her mother died in a car crash and she never knew her father. More Emo!Sue, then. Loads of people freaking stared at her as she walked down the hall. She was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and MY IMMORTAL FLASHBACKS OH GOD WHY. She gets pointed at by big pink cheerleader imbosils and pays no at-tension to the horny little donkeys trying to ask her out (thank you, Becky, for giving me the mental image of Donkey from Shrek asking Ebony out). Her first day was relay bored and she gazed at the grey cloud-embittered sky. Her teachers looked at her disprovable (what were they trying to prove? That she's a Sue? Well, her teachers are dumbasses then).

Oh, and she's a goffik Gothic too. Whoop de friggin' doo. She has four piercings in her ears and she has a tattoo of a gothic cross and a scorpion tattoo, like her birthsign (Scorpio, shared with the author. Coincidence?). She has a birthmark of a seven-pointed star. When she sleeps she hears whispers in another language and can't remember them when she wakes up and sees weird faces and her birthmark sometimes glows bright gold and gets relay hot. Will these be explained? Somehow I don't think so.

She sits alone at lunch and sees an "unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features". This is Edward, but you already knew that. Also, kudos for inventing the word "tusseted", not describing Edward's hair as "bronze" or his eyes as "topaz", and conjuring the image of a giant shellfish with the description of "tall and mussel". Bella comes up and drapes over Edward like a flesh-eating plant (PLEASE EAT HIM BELLA KTHXBAI) and Tiaa at least has the good grace not to pilch with another girl's BF. So she goes to the locker room and smocks "bald drugs" (?!?!?!?!?!). Oh and OMG Edward is there.

She walks to her next class and bumps into Edward (so he's not just a giant mussel, he's a TELEPORTING giant mussel) and her bocks fell everywhere. FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! She yells "WTF! Watch where you're FREAKING going asshole!". Apparently Tiaa has anger problems, which extend to self-censorship too. Edward says "I'm so so sorry" in a voice like wet heaven (at least he doesn't have an incandescent chest or the voice of a glorious archangel) and "please forgive me my lady". End of chapter.

So, what do I think? Well, My Immortal is still essential Goth!Sue fic reading, but this is probably number 2. In a technical sense, it's better (less "randomly mashing a keyboard with my head", more Rouge Angles of Satin - the constant use of "relay" makes me think the Vicki replaced "really" with "relay" for every instance), and Tiaa isn't as much of a sociopathic black hole than Ebony. In fact, Edward so far seems more sympathetic than Book!Edward, and his descriptions are a lot more original (Stephenie Meyer, PLEASE put giant teleporting mussels in your next book). Of course it isn't good, or even not bad, but I actually want to read more...

I think someone else already Liveblog'd The Temptation of Edward Ewdard Cullen.

[1]

...Oops.

Oh well, my intention was always to move on to other fics after finishing this up, so let's sort of just shove this in a cupboard and do another one. Has soulless shell been done yet?

Searched for a soulless shell liveblog, didn't find one. So that's what I'm doing. Um, enjoy.

Prologue and Chapter 1

(Quick note: I'm thinking legolas by laura next. Any suggestions?)

Anyways, soulless shell (DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE IT IN ALL LOWERCASE OR JAMES FORTE WILL FUCK YOU UP) is basically the fifth of the So Horrible It's Godlike pentalogy, along with My Immortal, Forbiden Fruit, Doom Repercussions of Evil and legolas by laura. This time, it's Redwall the author's taking a crack at. Not much of a Redwall fan, so if there's any huge continuity errors, let me know. Unfortunately, Forte doesn't leave huge rambling Author's Notes at the beginning of chapters; he instead contents himself with "Hello here is the first installment to soulless shell". Bit of a disappointment, really. Anyways, the prologue is TINY, so let's just post it all here.

''Prologue Leif

My name is Leif melyamos I am a half blood a crimson king and ruler of jackal's half bloods and rats

I am not like the others I with grey fur and red eyes had to lead a group of blood thirsty murderers and thieves to rule the planet but back then that was not what I wanted I wanted peace a place where all races could live in harmony and well being a place where children would not have to hide in fear of many nightmares to come my name is Leif and this is my story.''

...What. Anyways, Forte doesn't even keep up the pretense of having a proofreader. "I, with grey fur and red eyes, had to lead blabbity blah blah"? What kind of syntax is that? And if he didn't want murderers and thieves to rule the planet, WHY DID HE LEAD THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! At least Leif is an OK name, although according to the end of the prologue, he apparently thinks that we've forgotten what his name is. Finally, I'm hoping desperately that this doesn't turn out to be a Dark Tower crossover or a King Crimson song fic.

Not much I can write on that tiny thing. Chapter 1 should be up tomorrow.

Oh, this looks like a keeper, sue-wise. We've got a half-breed original character who's "different from all the other (thing)s" Goodie, can't see this going wrong at all. I guess I should count myself lucky, and so should you, that as a person who has read all of one Redwall book, the Redwall Canon Defilement that is surely to follow won't drive us into fits of insanity. That's something, I guess.

As far as bad fanfic recommendations, well, I have a couple, but they are so nauseatingly bad that I can't recommend them in good conscience. I could probably dig up some that are just bad though :P

soulless shell Chapter 2: Assault

"AN: Hi this is the next installment of soulless shell review"

Elegant in his simplicity. Forte in a nutshell. Oddly enough, unlike most of these other badfics, soulless shell only has one review, of the "Wow... just wow" variety. That's probably why Forte ended it - lack of reviews.

Anyways, this chapter (actually Chapter 1, but since Forte didn't bother naming his chapters on the FF.net chapter selecter it comes out as Chapter 2) begins with a little boy running down the streets of his village he had grey fur and strange red eyes that seemed they could pierce the toughest metal he skidded into his home. Run-on sentence is run-on. Yep, and this officially confirms my suspicions - every Mary Sue badfic begins with a description of the lead's hair and eyes. Surprise, surprise. I'm guessing the kid is Leif, but how can he be such a war leader if he's a kid?

Forte is also clearly inspired by Cormac McCarthy in his experimental, punctuation-free structure, as shown by this quotation - "His mother a jolly looking young mouse said hi honey how was school Oh it was fun momma whats for dinner". I mean, I liked All the Pretty Horses, but gimme a break. Unfortunately, we never do get to learn what was for dinner, because out side the home a few rats had gathered outside the home. A huge rat looked through a crack at the young half blood in (ENOUGH WITH THIS ALREADY) the home. And his eyes are all he needs. Mary Sue bingo!

it was the crimson king his minions they will enter this home (Home count: 4) kill all opposition and grab the boy . (Yeah, Forte puts the space BEFORE his full stop, not after). OK, I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time buying that this little mouse kid is a king of any sort, let alone one that's Randall Flagg's master. Leif's mother goes into the kitchen to investigate (wait, what?! When and how did the rats get in the house?), five seconds later life and his father heard a scream. NON-SEQUITUR NON-SEQUITUR NON-SEQUITUR * TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY *

Leif runs down to the kitchen with his dagger and his father does like wize, whoever this Wize fellow may be. His mother is bleeding on the floor and large gusts of wind emanate semmeingly (semmeingly?) from Leif's body then the rats beat down his father (not as awesomely as Ratigan beat down Basil, I'll bet). Leif hid in the attic. Where is he look harder (Who's saying that???). Leif runs idiotically down to the kitchen... so, what, did the rats just give up on their whole objective? His father is bleeding to death (AWWW!!!) and says son you must know this later one day when you return here you will know then goodbye and remember I... love you (RUN-ON SENTENCE IS RUN-ON).

Well, the rats drag Leif's dad out. End of chapter. So, that was basically your generic mysterious prophecy which means nothing. This just seems like your run-of-the-mill poorly-spelled Sue fic, but don't worry. We get to the good stuff later.

For certain definitions of good, that is.

Chapter 2: Chosen one

AN: "Okay people here is chapter 2 every one cry now for Leif '("

No. No, I will not. Also, you fail at the "crying" smiley.

Anyways, this chapter has an abundance of dialogue and a distinct lack of quotation marks, so we'll just blow through this. Apparently I got something wrong... it wasn't Leif's father being dragged out of the kitchen by the rats, it was Leif. He demands to know where the rats are taking him, and one rat says Please settle down my lord every thing will be revealed to you in time. Leif is overawed at the idea that the rats consider him a lord (Mary Sue bingo!). A rat has positioned himself just across the way. Uh, the way to where?

He exclaims I greet you my lord crimson king he and all others around him bow to Leif. Leif exclaims angrily Umm excuse me sir in what way am I a king im just a poor boy whose parents you killed. Whoo, long exclamation. Leif must have lungs like a sperm whale. Actually, Stu has a point - in what way can this kid be a king? (Only way I can think of is Really 700 Years Old.) Also, if the rats respect him so much, why did they kill his parents? Logical flaws aside, the rat gives him a blade and tells him to follow him (I assume it's the rat in the hallway - lack of quotation marks makes this a bit hard to follow). The blade looks heavy, but it's surprisingly light in Leif's paws. I will assume it's a destined sword, then. Mary Sue bingo!

The rat wants to make sure Leif really is the Crimson King, and sends Randall Flagg after him... oops, wrong series. He just whacks him on the arm with his sword. Don't get Leif angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Leif's eyes change from red to black, he beats up the rat, shoots a beam which the rat teleports away from, and the rat then somehow manages to calm him down by putting his paw on him. So, he has a One-Winged Angel form too. How original, he lied. Leif feels dizzy, and the rat explains that he just proved he is the Crimson King. It would probably make more logical sense for his eyes to be red as the Crimson King, but whatever, I'm done looking for logic in this thing.

We finally learn that the rat's name is karas, and as they walk away he thinks goodbye. So... does karas want to kill Leif? I don't think that'll ever be explained. Well, this is going a lot better than MSG Tournament - it even got me to laugh. In retrospect, doing works from the So Bad, It's Good page is probably a lot better than doing ones from the So Bad Its Horrible page.

And there wasn't even anything to cry about, unless you count tears of hysterical laughter.

edited 28th Oct '10 4:54:30 AM by YonTroper

Chapter 3: A new life

Leif follows keras... no, sorry, Karas... out of the village. What village? Weren't they just in a castle? Anyways, they go through a forest and a cave, until they reach another village with a huge tower in the middle of it. It's called vacadoris. As he walks through vacadoris, the villagers grow silent and bow to him. They recognize who their lord is, or so says Karas. God, news travels fast in Redwall-world. But Leif doesn't want to be king, waah waah waah.

Karas says Leif has very much to do, and, of course, he's going to live in the giant tower, where he will learn how to be the Crimson King. Well, that's easy enough, Leif. Just have ill-defined One-Winged Angel powers, angst randomly and never do anything, and you'll do just fine. (Yay! I read the phrase Crimson King without making a Dark Tower reference!) They get greeted by a rat whose name is Thrnos. ...OK, were Forte's "a", "e", "i", "o" and "u" keys broken? (I'll assume it's pronounced Thurnos.) Thurnos wants to prove that Leif really is the Crimson King. Hang on, didn't Karas already do that? Also, Leif is half-mouse, half-rat. You Fail Genetics Forever. The rats killed his parents because they lied about his lineage. Leif is also apparently "emotionless" when he says that they did. OK, so Lief is as much of a sociopath as Eragon.

As Leif enters the arena, Karas sneers "oh don't worry my lord in a few years you will belong to me". Oddly enough, Leif doesn't hear it. Leif gets given a sword, and in one very long run-on sentence he chops some rats to pieces. He also teleports again. He can use a sword, big whoop. If you really wanted to prove he was the Crimson King, wouldn't you make him go One-Winged Angel? The final test is that a weird bloody eye appears on Leif's body for no reason. Then we FINALLY learn what exactly the Crimson King is. It's a war leader, a god and a life source, and the one who will lead the rats to take over. ...STU STU STU STU STU *technical difficulties, please stand by*

Anyways, Leif doesn't want to lead the rats into battle, because those sound like the intentions of trhnos (Turihinos?). Karas apparently hates trhnos, but it's not like that'll matter, really. Leif is going to live with a good friend of Karas'. "Aveena was a beautiful young fox she of course was taken in by the goraiathans when she was found beat up by the shore because of her injures she was told she would never be able to bear children which was what she wanted more than anything else in the world." Interspecies Romance time! *bow chicka wow wow* What's a Goraiathian anyway? Is it something from Redwall?

Leif is taken to Aveena's home. They spend some days together and become closer. In more ways than one, I'll bet. Leif asks if Aveena will be his mother. Awwww frickin' awwww. How cute. *snore* Aveena, apparently, is the only one who treated Leif like a person and not a king/lord/god/Stu. He has to sleep with her because there are no other beds, but shouldn't he have figured that out when he first came in? Aveena wonders how Thrnos will take it.

NEXT TIME ON SOULLESS SHELL: No Leif! Random new characters! Thrnos being a dick! Yaaaaay!

With regard to suggestions, have you read Metroid High School? It's Metroid... but set in a high school! Complete with baffling self-inserts, MASSIVE character derailment and a chapter about the presidential elections of '08! Just like the games! Also, this thread is awesome.

Chapter 4: Maria

Who on Earth is Maria? *gasp* A Suethor taking the focus off his Stu for a chapter? This cannot be! BURN THE HERETIC! Anyway, Maria is looking up at the sky, hoping that her mother, the leader of a rebel group named Zaridos, will come back soon. What she doesn't know is... her mother's dying and on her way back! W Aaaah waaah waaah. (Side note: Originally, I thought Zaridos was another person. Confusing syntax, as per usual.) Maria is a young mouse, 4 seasons (I guess that's years) of age. When she grows up, everyone thinks she's going to be beautiful. Great, now this fic is a Sue competition. Also, either this mouse is unrealistically long-lived, or everyone in Redwall-world is a pedophile.

As if by magic (or by her ears, whichever), Maria hears foot paws (REDUNDANCY) entering the camp, carrying a stretcher with her mother on it. Her mother has reports of a child her age (this is Leif, but you already knew that), who was taken by the rats Goraiathians, who believed he was their saviour. He's going to be a danger to the mice, but I bet that never happens in the story. Maria, now that Mommy is dying, is going to take over the Zaridos. An imperious voice, belonging to a personage by the name of Acriluos, declares that he won't have a child ruling their group. Finally, someone with some sense. Actually, though, Mommy's brother Arcudo is going to lead them until Maria is of age.

There's some standard banter with the little girl crying, But (sniff sniff) momma im gonna miss you. No, really, Forte writes an Unsound Effect in brackets. He already did that with (wheeze) for Mommy earlier. Apparently, Acriluos would try to kill Maria if he gets the chance. I like Acriluos so far. Apart from that, this is actually quite a touching (if overdone) scene, or would be were it not for the awful grammar. Mommy dies. *plays "Taps"*

We then cut to Aveena talking to thrnos. There is no transition of any kind, but hey, what did you expect. She stupidly tells thrnos that she's become Leif's mother/girlfriend. Nobody wants to hear the torrid details of your romance, slut. They want nothing more than to be together. Awww, how sweet. *barf* Thrnos accepts this for no reason, but threatens to kill Aveena if she guides Leif away from his destiny. Aveena sneers that she will not keep him from his destiny, but threatens Thrnos back in case he kills or harms Leif, and goes off for a vigorous bonking session. Thrnos thinks she can't keep that promise. Probably true. And Aveena will always protect him even if she dies in the process. *moar barf*

...Sad thing is, this story, generic as it may be, might have been interesting if it was competently written. For now, it's just a slog. An amusing slog, but a slog nonetheless.

Chapter 5: 14 seasons on

Time Skip in this chapter, as you can probably tell. This is where it gets REALLY bad. So, Leif is 18 now (and everybody apparently WAS a pedophile for Maria, because mice do not live to be 18), and he's tall, handsome and muscular (but was he a giant teleporting shellfish?), and many women want to bonk him. Another two notches on Mary Sue Bingo, then. Aveena says that Leif has to go to a council meeting. Leif gets all whiny and obnoxious about it. Yes, how DARE the leader of the council actually show up?! You're being so unreasonable, mother/lover!

Something small and annoying attaches itself to Leif's waist on his way there. It is, in fact, a rat named maoimi. What, was Naomi not exotic enough? At least Leif is normal! Leif tries to get Maoimi off, but she's apparently a limpet, because the big 18-year-old mouse-rat-abomination can't detach her until he goes on a date with her. He eventually gets her off, but Maoimi goes all Stalker with a Crush and pursues him to the castle until Leif shuts himself in the council chamber. Let it go, Maoimi. Don't crush on the douchebag.

We get introduced to the councilmen in rapid succession. Monroe is a fox who is a snivelling coward! Raynold is a rat has a short attention span! Arnold is a fat ferret who likes to go to strip clubs and was convicted for rape! (Could this be significant? Nah, forget it, I'm just talking crazy.) Catartos is a weasel who was a respected spy and the only one Leif respects! Rajh is an animal who is not identified and has seen many battles, and is also the only one who Leif respects! They all bow to him, except Rajh, who knows Leif hates being bowed to. Perhaps Rajh will turn out to be the fourth Sue in this story.

Arnold speaks, annoying Leif for no reason. There's a prisoner whom Leif is going to decide if she is going to be executed. Karas (hey, mate, where you been? Haven't seen you in a while!) brings in the prisoner, who is a 14-year-old girl who is badly beat up. Leif refers to Karas as his most trusted advisor. CLUMSY FORESHADOWING ALERT! The girl is being tried (or "trialed", as Forte would have it) for attacking Arnold. Oh, I can see where this is going... Arnold had tried to rape her. YES! I win an Internet cookie!

Although Leif has no evidence at all, he says that he thinks Arnold would have done it beforce, he hates Arnold's guts and is going to have him executed. Arnold "dams" him (is this Arnold's equivalent of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha?) and hopes he burns in hell. Although, according to Leif, that's where Arnold, who was wrongly executed with no evidence, is going. Leif wonders where he is to end the chapter. Well, that's easy. You, the douchebag teenage Sue, is in a council chamber with a load of people he hates. Dumbass.

6 chapters down, 2 to go! Yay me!

Sorry about being lazy with updates. I had a really good one written yesterday, then my Internet failed. Blargh.

Anyways, the AN goes: "I can honestly say without a doubt that this story is already doing better then blood omen please read and review." Better than Blood Omen? Kain is insulted grievously. You will die.

Chapter 6: The little things (or, My Dinner with Headcrab)

Leif watches Arnold being dragged off, lets the girl go and dismisses the council. Nothing interesting, really, except Leif telling Rajh to keep an eye on Arnold's cell because he has *cough* huge powers of persuasion. Not enough to persuade Stuie not to execute him, though. Informed Ability. That's this story in two words. Anyway, as soon as Leif leaves the tower, his itty-bitty stalker Maoimi glomps him and asks Leif for a date again. Susceptible to the hypnotic power of the word "pwease", Leif capitulates. The scary thing here is that Maoimi is described as "attaching" onto him. AAH! I knew it! MAOIMI'S A HEADCRAB STALKER! Maoimi kisses him, presumably to turn him into a headcrab zombie (something which would improve this story inordinately), but she settles for squeezing the back of his head, causing Leif to start kissing her back. And then they're in love when they break apart. Um, what?

He walks home to Aveena to tell her that he doesn't love her any more because Maoimi hypnotized him. Ooh, I smell a fox-headcrab cat fight! Actually, Aveena takes it pretty well, and ( she went on with many things to not do on a date). No, really, that's what Forte says. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Silly lazy badfic writer. But we do learn to never ever tell her she smells! Ah, now I know why I keep getting dumped. Thanks, Forte! Leif, when he is dressed for his date, is carrying throwing daggers. I wonder, will he need those at some point in the date? Forte is as subtle as a sledgehammer, as usual. He even thinks Maoimi is going to kill him! A date with a psychopathic alien, whatever next? Meanwhile, back at the tower, Rajh notices Arnold has escaped. More sledgehammer subtlety. Arnold also says that Leif is going to pay later, but for now, tells his boys that they're going to have some fun.

Leif and Maoimi seem to hit it off, though that may just be hypnosis setting in. Forte, once again, skips things he can't be arsed to write about, like character development and subtle shading. We do, however, get to know that they both have foster parents and are misunderstood. Cheap sympathy ploys FTW. Then Leif sees Arnold run past the restaurant window, sans boys, pursuing a young mouse girl. Arnold rapes the mouse girl, but we get to see yet ANOTHER speshul Leif form. This time, he has the obligatory black eyes, horns, wings, his blades have turned into demon claws, and an inhuman (or in-mouseratsue-an) aura. Not to mention his speech has turned into ALLCAPS. Shit, I believe, is about to hit the fan. And indeed it does, because Arnold gets killed and Maoimi takes the girl to the city guard. Well, damn, I know I shouldn't be sympathetic towards a rapist, but Leif is just such a jackass I just feel bad for all his victims.

Better start thinking of which one to do next (my plan is to two more fics which are longer than this one before closing the thread down). It's legolas by laura unless anyone has any other suggestions.

One thing I noticed in your sporking: Redwall animals tend to be a lot longer-lived than their real-world counterparts. Brian Jacques, however, never gives exactly how long one lives. ("Many" or "few" is all we get.) I'm guessing that's why Redwallers refer to seasons instead of years, to put up a smokescreen.

That aside, nice work.

Geez, I really haven't been keeping up well with updates, have I? Oh well, here's the last chapter of soulless shell. legolas by laura is next up, I think.

Chapter 7: The blade that drinks

Leif runs back to the tower and sees Reynolds in the council room. He says he was just here to... PLASTIC BAG oh goody goody! No, seriously, he says that. ADHD does not work that way, Forte! Rajh shows up and Leif says he killed Arnold, no thanks to Rajh. What a douchebag. OK, it says he "joked" it, but still. Leif explains what happened in the last chapter, which I guess the three people reading this know, and also tells Rajh to keep an eye on Headcrab because, as a seventeen-year-old girl, she is bound to be raped sooner or later.

Leif returns home, and is set upon by some of Arnold's old guards. How will he defeat them? By using ill-defined powers which include shooting disintegration beams and throwing his knives? You don't say! Anyway, Leif goes to bed and has a significant dream. More specifically, a flashback to when his family was attacked. His father told him "Leif when you are older return here and put your paw to that brick a secret passage will open leading you to a dungeon make your way through the dungeon and find a blade take it and you will receive instructions from there…". Yeah, even though Forte didn't SAY he did at the time, he totally did! Retcon? What's that? Anyway, Leif gets up and decides to go and get the sword. He just has to try and get the council to allow him to leave the city whose name I can't remember for a few days. Aveena seems OK with it, at least. Thank Christ for that.

As he goes up to the tower, Headcrab accosts him again and seems jealous that he's leaving the city for a few days. Leif seems irritated that she won't leave him alone again, even though they got on well in the last chapter. Continuity? What's that? The councillors seem OK with letting him go, but that slimebag thrnos (who hasn't actually done anything villainous yet, and since this is a Dead Fic he never will) asks Karas to tell him the way. Is Karas leading him into danger??? Nope. Dead Fic, again. To get to his village, which is apparently called Quelathos, he "must exit the city from the south gate take the path to the west and you will see a cave enter it and find your way out I haven't been in the cave in about 14 years so I don't remember the right path when you exit the cave take an old and dusty path and continue south till you reach the gates of quelathos from there you can find your families home but now I will tell you the reason of why I have locked this door young master". Apparently, it's because Thrnos and some other council members are trying to make Leif do their dirty work, so he should be careful. Hang on, wasn't Karas a bad guy? Oh, whatever.

Leif gets to Quelathos without a hitch, and sees an old childhood friend named Caleb. Leif takes him to his home, which is now run down, and he tears up remembering the places where they used to eat and his father used to tell him stories. Might be touching if written by a competent author. There is somehow a huge maze hidden behind the brick Leif's dad (named Arleitos, by the way) told him to push. And it's filled with unknown creatures. Oh noes! Not unknown creatures! (Which presumably aren't unknown at all now that Leif and Caleb have seen them.) Only Leif can go into the room where the sword is, so he leaves Caleb to the unknown creatures and sees a beautiful blade. It's black, has a skull on it, and the tip is "sharper than an icicle from hell". Come on, this is so obviously evil it's not funny. Oh, and it's a blood drinker too, and when Leif picks it up it demands a sacrifice of blood. He stabs himself, and the blade talks to him. It likes Leif's blood because it's full of hatred. How evil can one sword get? Oh, and there's also a shield, but who cares when Hitlersword is talking to him? Caleb, fortuitously, has not been devoured by the unknown creatures, and they leave to... nowhere, because this fic never finished.

So, what do I think of soulless shell in the end? Well, it never reaches the glorious incompetence of My Immortal, but it's still good for a jolly if nothing else. I get the impression that the author was pretty ambitious with his story structure (if not with his grammar), because there's a lot of things which have been set up to resolve later. This story ended because of lack of reviews, and we can tell, because at the start of most chapters there's a little note hectoring for reviews. Were the Pit of Voles' users trolling him by not reviewing it so it would end? Guess we'll never know.

Nope, it's not going to be legolas by laura after all. I'd only heard about its bad reputation, not realizing it was only one chapter. Since I want to do a multi-chapter fic, it's going to be My Inner Life. Here goes nothing.

Author's Note

Yep, the author's note is a separate chapter, and it's massive. Unlike Forte's terse PLZ PLZ REVIEW sentences or Tara Gilesbie's STOP FLASSING U FUKEN PREPZ screeds, Link's Queen likes to write huge in-depth author's notes which basically boil down "Link is hawt and I want to bone him omg". Fine, I'll stop stalling now.

Anyway, Link's Queen (that's a pain to type, so from now on it's just "Jenna") became a huge fan of Zelda in the last year before writing this fanfic and developed a "fond interest" in Link. We'll find out exactly what kind of "fond interest" later on, but boy, you really don't want to. After she got into it, she began having lucid dreams, which aren't exactly as rare as she would have us believe they are, about Hyrule and Link. Every night, she would have another starting from where the last left off. Uh, if you're having dreams consistently like that, go for some therapy. Oh, and they help her "get through life". ...Christ, you're just a big bucket of issues, aren't you? Then she comes and flat out admits that it's a self-insert fic. Say what you will about soulless shell, at least Forte didn't seem to be resorting to self-insert wish fulfillment. And it's very detailed. I'm afraid of what's going to follow.

It's an alternate continuity, by the way, where nothing after Ocarina of Time happened. Including Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages, despite those being prequels. Figure that out. And she has feelings about Link. ... *barf* OK, I have nothing against Perverse Sexual Lust, but this is just creepy. We're also having a gay old time with the word "queer". And it's going to be a lemon.

Now that my medulla oblongata has finished throttling my cerebellum, we also learn there's going to be Gorn and swearing. Blah blah blah, tealdeer, it's precious to her... and Link. Uh, OK. Then, for some reason, Jenna totally flips and starts yelling in ALLCAPS at anybody who's ever flamed the story (thus making me think this Author's Note was compiled over several periods of time) and that she will no longer accept flames or lashing out at Jenna (the character). Suethor who doesn't like people flaming her character, exhibit B. Then she says warnings are there for a reason, not just to look pretty. Hm, shows how much I know. Yadda yadda yadda, GET ON WITH THE FRICKIN' STORY YOU IDIOT. There is more redundancy with "IT IS THE READER'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY", and the lady yelling 500 words in capslock derides people for being immature. But I think I will conductive myself in the manor she describes.

When the Capslocks of Doom finally end, it's only for more reiteration of what she's already said. At least she realizes that the story needs some grammar corrections and the plot needs some work. No shit, lady. She also realizes that people think Jenna is a flat character, and that she will add a backstory to make her more rounded. A backstory which doesn't surface. Then she tries to excuse herself, saying that it isn't bad, it's just how it happened in her dreams! See, she's not a terrible author, she's just crazy-go-nuts. Then she reiterates everything she said in the Capslocks of Doom, just slightly more rationally.

OK, I'm just going to trample a herd of teal deer all over this now. The only noteworthy things in the next section are using "gecko" for "get-go", complaining (after someone said she was hurting everyone with this story) "oh noez i never ACTUALLY hurt anyone stories don't give injuried ZOMG", and saying it's ridiculous this has to be as long as it is. Really.

...I'm scared. *shudder*