FATAL

...this is the longest thread on this board.

Really? That is a Crowning Moment of Awesome!

I feel honored.

Also, if anyone feels the need to roll up a character, go ahead.

I joined just for this thread. Hmm, I'll use the Map Tool die roller for this since I can enter insane die types like d100million, which apparently I'll need. Curiously nobody has developed a Map Tool F.A.T.A.L. framework yet. That could be awesome, but I don't want to be picked up by Sex Crimes for distributing it.

OK, race: Kobold (65). Apparently this means that I am a lazy short person who might know how to do some sort of useful work, but wants to enslave naked human females to do it for me instead of just doing it myself. Seems appropriate for the system. I really wanted to roll on that insane Anakim table, but the dice never lie.

I also apparently hate all other races. Oh, I have to roll on that too. How much I hate everyone:

Anakim: Hate (20) (jealous of their baby vomit table); Bugbear: Indifference (10) (I'm okay with hairy spout-holes); Dwarf, Black: Hate (13); Dwarf, Brown: Hate (13); Dwarf, White: Hate (15); Elf, Dark: Hate (25); Elf, Light: Hate (13); Humans: Hate (18); Kobold: Prefer (16); Ogre: Hate (25); Ogre, Cliff: Hate (22); Ogre, Gru...

At this point I lose my place as I have to scan to another page to find out what "Gru." means, which means being hopelessly lost since it's almost 1k pages long. I tell myself it's worth it for historical accuracy. Apparently "Ogre, Gru." is a gruagach, a Scottish house-elf like the ones who make shoes at night. Good thing they know your foot size, probably measured just before they rape you in your sleep.

... Ogre, Gruagach: Dislike (13) (I like shoes); Ogre, Kinder-Fresser: Hate (16); Troll, Borb...

WTF. "Borbytingarna." The Ultimate Fighters of the F.A.T.A.L. world, apparently, using wrestling and brawling instead of weapons before they tenderize unconscious enemies by flailing them around for 1d100 rounds. There's a helpful "illustration" at the bottom of page 32 of one, I guess, picking the nose of one of its victims while two guys with mallets react by running away and acting out the "Stop In the Name of Love" dance.

Troll, Borbytingarna: Hate (18); Troll, Hill: Hate (18); Troll, Subterranean: Hate (26).

So I hate everyone except other Kobolds, Bugbears, and shoemaker ogres. They probably don't like me either, and according to page 36, call me Holer, Shiner, or SPEAR-CHUCKER. WTF Byron Hall. I suppose he had to slip something in there since he removed stuff like the Jewwy Jewbacca armor from the version I have. I think it did something like makes your nose big, shrinks your Manhood(TM) and makes you fight to the death for a coin. I'm also not sure why a Germanic-origin race would be called SPEAR-CHUCKER, but it must be historically accurate.

Whatever. Okay, now for the single roll that determines whether or not my character is worth anything at all in this game, the all-important gender roll, which is where I get to find out if I can possibly do something interesting or am just a walking Assault Me target. But wait... where's the table? According to the author:

"However, the random determination of gender is problematic if a group of players are involved because random genders may be inappropriate."

1) I don't see how this is a problem, as I can't imagine a group of people playing F.A.T.A.L.

2) HEAVEN FORFEND WE SHOULD DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE INAPPROPRIATE IN A RAPE FANTASY GAME THAT INCLUDES CALCULATIONS FOR ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE.

The dice never lie, so I want to go random. This means I now have to go to Chapter 6: Sociality. Is that even a word? Also, my PDF doesn't have chapter marks. Grr.

Alright, I went ahead and found the chapter, landing smack dab in the middle of some society descriptions ripped right out of the 1st edition AD&D DM's Guide (which until now I had considered the most inanely detailed RPG manual ever devised) and the Ten Commandments of Chivalry or something, with some courtly love tables thrown in for good measure. I finally find the sex table, on the same page that will eventually tell me whether or not I enjoy a nice Cleveland Steamer on my nights off.

Sex: Female (47)

... Well, crap. Should I stop rolling now?

Oh hell no. Keep rollin', my good friend. I can't wait to see what you cook up.

Okay. I got as far as the rest of chapter 2. Since I'm content starved I'm mirroring this on my blog, trying to be objective, but I just can't take it in large doses. I also discovered the wonder of the F.A.T.A.L. auto generator, but I find it doesn't make me nearly as angry as doing it manually.

Continuing my exercise in self-loathing, I now continue generating my "character." This starts with reading about a page’s worth of description regarding the inferiority of women in just about every imaginable way. Now, I won’t really debate the history of feminine perceptions and roles historically, but our hero Byron Hall throughout his so-called "book" ignores every perk and protection gained as the single most valuable factor in the population (namely, having a population at all) and goes right to the slavery, submission, rape^100, and fantasy elements of lonely disturbed little boys everywhere that would get them laughed right out of the Eulenspiegel Society, should they ever leave their basements. But I digress. On with our completely logical character generation system, which is mathematically superior and historically accurate. THE DICE NEVER LIE.

Age: -2.6 years ((4d100=112)/5 – 25)

Um. Oh wait, it’s supposed to be an absolute value, which makes the age system completely believable. I have a 2.6 year old player character. Sure, this makes sense. Aren’t the "terrible twos" when children start causing trouble and acting out? My poor character better watch it though, as females are supposed to be submissive, and apparently violating societal norms can get me in legal trouble. An age of 2 puts me right between the "Infant" and "Child" categories for my race… oh wait, females get a 1d10% longer lifespan. See? Sexual equality at last! Too bad there are no rules for how this affects the player character. I can’t be bothered to figure out which way to round for the modifiers applicable to infants or children, so I’ll just assume "infant." Can’t wait for my first melee combat!

Infant Modifiers: Height 40%, Weight 40% (sure, mass changes linearly with height), Hair Length -70, Foot Size 40%, Head Circumference 70%

Height in Inches: 19.2", or 1′7.2" (((6d4=12)+36)x40%)

This might seem to be a handicap, but according to the author: "Height also affects Weight, Strength, and Bodily Attractiveness (see Chapter 3: Abilities) for males, or Weight and Strength for females. Therefore, taller males tend to be stronger, better looking, and weigh more." It’s slightly disturbing to me that in the author’s mind, my infant female kobold might be weak and light, but can still be awesomely hot.

On the table that immediately follows, it is stated that I get -1lb weight and -1 strength for every inch shorter, and +3lb weight and +2 strength for every inch taller. Taller or shorter than what? Average height for the category? How does this apply to my 2 year old baby girl character? I’m not sure it’s really that important since she probably can’t get a job in this system anyway. At any age.

Weight in Pounds: 6 (((2d6=12)+63)x40%)

This is surprisingly low, even though I rolled maximum fatness for weight. Still, this height and weight for a human baby at 2 years old would probably mean a call to Child Services. I couldn’t find any historical data for kobolds though, so I’ll have to rely on the authors’ "research."

There follows another table that doesn’t make sense… read literally, I get a -1 too Strength since I weigh at least 3lbs. less than average for my sex/race, but not for every 8lbs. less. The authors must have worked this out pretty carefully, as you can tell from one of their many unbelievably long and variably-well sourced footnotes:

"Height and Weight of various fantasy races have been computed by consulting biology, physiology, and zoology textbooks that refer to the Cube-Square Law, and the proportions to larger and smaller creatures. For example, as a creature increases proportionately in size, its surface area increases by a ratio of the difference in Height squared, but the Weight increases by the ratio of the difference cubed."

Okay then, what the fuck about the 40% height = 40% weight thing for babies? Whatever. Soldiering on to an undeniably important stat, my baby’s BMI:

BMI: 11.474609375 ((6/19.2^2)x705)

I now get a bonus to my bodily attractiveness score, since I’m so unbelievably underweight. All female characters in F.A.T.A.L. get bonuses for underweight characters, and penalties for overweight characters, according to BMI. Byron Hall must have a lot of Kate Moss posters taped over his bed. I am tempted to speculate on whether or not he pleasures himself to those late night commercials for Feed the Children, but I’m getting my full USRDA of Bad Taste just by reading this crap. Anyway, my emaciated yet still fat infant kobold gets a +165 bonus. Shudder.

Most Attractive Feature: Buttocks (81), +1d10(+9) to Bodily Attractiveness

Most Repulsive Feature: Mannerisms (98), -1d10(-2) to Kinetic Attractiveness

"I love big butts and I cannot lie, but fuck you for looking."

Skin Color: Silvery White (no roll)

Hair Color: Auburn (34)

Hair Length: <4”" or neck length (10-70)

Hair Thickness and Type: Thick, curly and oily ((1d100=94)+8+10-74), -1d8(-7) facial charisma

"Okay, you can look at my ass." It’s just bizarre that the system imposes specific charisma modifiers for your haircut. Like you can never change it. What, everyone in the F.A.T.A.L. world has exactly the same preferences in every possible appearance modifier? I guess so.

Keep in mind I haven’t even rolled for my attributes yet. Awesome.

Eye Color: Brown (21)

Breadth: 9.7"

Vision: Perfect natural vision (26)

Facial Features: Nose, big (83); weak and curious, -1d4(-1) facial charisma

Freak of Nature: Nope (rolled 401331 on a 1d1000000)

Aww… Interestingly there are only 5 freak of nature types, and most of them are really not that freaky. The game equated having a funnel/pigeon chest, an extra nipple, or polydactyly with being a hermaphrodite. Where’s my Proteus syndrome? This was one of the things that baffled my wife about this system: "Rules for countless boring mundane professions, half-assed recipes for pages and pages, calculations to see whether or not you can comfortably fit a fire hydrant up your ass, and only 5 freak traits?"

Enough about that, here come the really disturbing rolls, and still no attributes.

Areola Diameter: 1/2" ((1d100=9)-30)

Areola Hue: Medium (1d100=57), +1d4(+2) to bodily attractiveness

There’s no rules for when this modifier comes into play, so I have to imagine that all women have to walk around all the time with their tits out. Another fearsome glimpse into the dark worldview of the game "designers."

Cup Size: AA ((1d100=56)=75), -2d10(-9) to bodily attractiveness

Head asplode. Another awesome footnote:

"1. A scholarly study on female human bust size indicates that both males and females prefer a female with a medium bust size (Kleine & Staneski, 1980)."

If so, then why do females get -2d10 for AA, -1d10 for A, no modifier for B, +1d10 for C, and +2d10 for D? Strangely, there’s no modifier for cup sizes over D, which goes to show you that there’s at least one fetish that doesn’t consume the authors.

Nipple Inversion: No (98)

Nipple Length: 1/4" ((1d100=72)-50)

Starting to feel queasy? The worst is just ahead…

Vaginal Circumference: 3-4" ((1d100=26)-95)

There’s a helpful table to apply the modifiers to this all-important stat roll, but it’s not too clear on some of its qualifiers. Most specifically, there are variable modifiers to your roll if the character is a Mother, a Nymphomaniac, or a Slut. Forget that we have no idea whether or not any of these apply as there are no rules for any of them yet, but the entry for the Slut modifier reads "+ 1 to + 20 (1d20 if unsure)." The implication is that all female characters are sluts, and if you’re not sure exactly how slutty, just roll 1d20! I went ahead and bypassed this modifier for my 2 year old, but if she ever sees play, I’m going to search the PDF for appropriate modifiers per skill point put into Kegel exercises.

Vaginal Depth Potential in Inches: 1.936" (1.6+(2d20=21)%)

I’m not even sure this is accurate. I would try to look it up, but I don’t want to go to jail; there’s a chance Byron might be my cellmate someday.

Tongue Length= 1/2" ((1d100=74)-80)

Yes, this game has a numerical die roll modifier for the calculation of tongue length if you are an infant.

Anal Circumference Potential in Inches: 3-4" ((1d100=76)-90)

Once again: Accustomed to anal sex + 1 to + 20 (1d20 if unsure).

I know it’s already been done to death, but I can’t help it: From the following page:

"A vagina or anus that is stretched to twice its limit results in the necessity of a Health check at TH 20. If this check fails, then death occurs. If successful for a female character, then the skin between the vagina and anus rips and the 2 orifices effectively become one."

From the unintentionally hilarious rebuttal by the game’s authors to a hilariously scathing review:

"For example, my wife studies bioengineering and used to be a model."

There is a clear and obvious lie here, juxtaposing the unbelievable contention that a ripped vaginal opening will somehow magically bypass layers of muscle and other tissue as well as a good deal of bone and somehow cause a woman to have a cloaca, alongside the assertion that the author’s wife is a student of a biological specialty. The lie is of course that the author cannot possibly have a wife.

Hymen Resistance: 73

Jesus wept. There are rules to determine when this stat comes into play. It is immediately followed by roles for pregnancy likelihood, menstruation, and infant mortality. Not sure exactly how this affects the ongoing exercise of character generation, but it’s in keeping with the book’s structural basis of stream of consciousness writing as experienced by Beavis and Butt-Head. Only not as funny. Or marketable.

Unfortunately as I was unsuccessful in gaining the trait of Hermaphrodite, I have to now bypass the rolls for determining the length and circumference of my Manhood. (The use of the term Manhood instead of penis, of course, being the authors’ attempt at discretion.)

Foot Size: 4-4.4"" ((1d100=91), resultx40%)

Originally I made this calculation according to the table, where I took a -320 to the die roll for her height, and wound up with a foot length of 7-8". I had forgotten about the infant modifiers from about 2 hours (and seemingly 12 years) earlier, and was picturing all infants in the world of F.A.T.A.L. having big cartoon extremities, which would have at least added some humor value to this exercise. Any value at all would be welcome about now.

Fist Circumference: 4-4.4"

Handedness: Right (98)

Head Circumference: 15.97848" (1d100=98, result 24.12×0.97, decrease (1d100=6) by (1d100=57) hundredths of an inch, product x70% for age)

That’s 7 calculations or table lookups or rolls to produce a stat which is used in case my 2 year old wants to buy a hat.

For unknown reasons, there not follows a long set of charts and tables that once again have to do with pregnancy. I’m too bored and angry to see whether or not it contradicts the earlier section on pregnancy, or the innumerable future sections on pregnancy that are sure to follow.

"If a character’s Health sub-ability is not high enough, then they have at least 1 allergy (see Chap. 3: Abilities)."

Barring the logical fallacy that all unhealthy people have allergies and all healthy people do not, WHY NOT PUT THIS SECTION AFTER I DETERMINE MY HEALTH? Or any attribute whatsoever? Brain hurts.

That’s okay. What comes next is a bunch of tables and charts that have to do with alcohol consumption and getting drunk, smoking marijuana (which is apparently addictive, which alcohol is not), psychedelic mushrooms, and pages on pages of diseases, before I come to chapter 3, which is where my abilities get determined. But not right now. I can’t take any more at this moment.

edited 19th Sep '10 3:40:19 AM by muranternet

Hymen Resistance: 73

Hymen Resistance... for a baby.

A word has yet to be created to describe how utterly wrong that is. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go beat my head against the wall until the world makes sense again.

Wow. FATAL is so bad the liveblog is starting all over again to encompass the horror.

It's a Vicious Cycle. :o

I don't think I can take it any more. F.A.T.A.L. is possibly the only game to make me actively angry by reading the rules, and I've read The World of Synnibarr, Ra Ho Wa, and HYBRID. It's like I get that feeling that I've done something horribly sick and wrong and am living in fear that someone will find out, except I guess I've already told everyone, so it's even worse.

I think I'm going to have to retire my kobold infant protruding nipples oily hair girl and her deferred slut/anal sex familiarity +1d20 rolls, but will consider rebooting her for a Pb P game. Or I'll just roll something in this amateurish DOS character generator until I get something suitably inappropriate, without having to actually read F.A.T.A.L.

Most Attractive Feature: Buttocks (81), +1d10(+9) to Bodily Attractiveness

Is that why they say, "Smooth as a baby's bottom?"

>:o Bad Freezy! Bad! Bad!

Oh...what...the...what...

...with...a...good...serving...of...what...on...top...

MUST HAVE COPY.

Can anyone send me a PDF of this? Preferably the original one, but if someone only has From Another Time Another Land then that'll do. I must get a copy of this. MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST.

You can get the PDF at the trope page for Fatal.

And immediately go on to become yet another victim of this thread.

• goes to see if it's possible to download PDF without laptop crashing like the last time she tried*

I don't recommend you download it to your main computer. Preferably an old, cheap one. You know, so it can be cleansed with fire when you're done.

Heh, unfortunately I'm stuck with this one. And when I tried the first time to read it online, my computer went 'please don't make me do this...please' and crashed itself. But it works now.

It starts off so-bad-it's-good, but tends to kinda descend into stale badness rather quickly. The racist "jokes" especially look like they were written by an 8 year old. Still, the game's probably gonna attract unintended viewers for its quadratic rape equations.

"For example, my wife studies bioengineering and used to be a model."

The very fact that he had to tag "...and used to be a model" on the end of that—especially seeing as it was probably irrelevant to the topic at hand—indicates rather strongly that he's lying. He doesn't have a wife.

...and his merkin flunked kindergarten.

edited 14th Oct '10 1:41:46 AM by FarseerLolotea

...Isn't a merkin a pubic wig?

That's one definition, but I've also heard it used to mean a male sex-toy of the "penis sleeve" variety.

I've thought of something: do chastity belts exist in the FATA Lverse? Considering the situation makes South Africa look like Utopia, anti-rape devices would be worth their weight in gold platinum.

Given that they have magical ones, yes, there are chastity belts in the FATA Lverse. Granted, they're just as likely to be cursed to attract rapists or render the wearer pregnant as to serve their intended purposes.

Let's just hope that the belts themselves aren't the ones doing the raping.

^You forget one thing: this is FATAL we're talking about.