FATAL

"However, the greatest concentration of obscenity is in Appendix 3: Random Magical Effects, and is intended for humorous effect."

"Humorous effect"? So, basically, this is teh mostest history-fully and myth-fully accurate RPG eva, and yet it's got penis jokes? Wow, only a really skilled writer could integrate such mutually exclusive things! Too bad no such person was writing FATAL.

You know, I really don't think we're obliged to clean up the FATAL article. If we don't have just one kickball at our disposal to vent on, our collective immaturity - we all have it deep within - will simply bottle up inside all of us and one day explode in a depraved orgy of trolling that will bring down TV Tropes forever. IT COULD HAPPEN! Plus, nothing in that article is technically untrue.

edited 11th Sep '09 3:12:27 PM by Nolan Burke

Yeah, but it isn't saying much other than "THIS GAME SUCKS AND IS IS PERVERTED AS HELL." While that is true from what I'm reading, there's more to the game.

Anyway, we should try to actually cover the game. I might be sounding a bit too Wikipedianish, but the FATAL article at the moment just looks stupid to me.

Also, I'll get back to the book in a bit. That is, I'll do it after dinner. Also, I'll try not to have another hiatus like this again.

There's no space in the name.

Problem is, no one actually wants to read it...

True. I do, though.

There's no space in the name.

So don't just say it sucks, say exactly why and list all the analysis leading up to that conclusion?

Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.

No, don't just say it sucks, give it the treatment it deserves. Those reviews I saw of FATAL were hillarious. We should make a long, rambling description extolling the extraordinary lengths it went to to fail so spectacularly. It should at least be as amusing to look at as My Immortal's page is.

The main irk I have with FATAL's page is that it just says "THIS SUCKS" in about twenty different ways without actually saying anything about the game. Too much snark turns into obnoxiousness.

edited 11th Sep '09 9:55:07 PM by JBridge

There's no space in the name.

We really shouldn't be saying "X is bad". We should say "X is considered bad, for these reasons".

Exactly.

There's no space in the name.

As a counterpoint I'll be listening to power metal. Cryonic Temple, in specific.

Chapter 2: Body

The game uses two health systems. There's Life Points and Body Part Points. Oddly enough, they don't tell us exactly what those mean yet. I can guess, though.

I almost forgot- we didn't decide our kobold's gender. I haven't seen how the game wants us to roll his/her age, so I'm going to use a penny to decide. Heads, it's male. Tails, it's female.

Heads. Well, he's a dude.

Age

Here's the formula for making a kobold's age. 4d100 / 5 - 25. Complex much? According to the designer, this is supposed to represent a bell curve. There's a formula for every race, with exceptions. The different ogre breeds are put in the same table, as are the trolls. For some reason the formula for elves is replaced with "Young Adulthood". Not sure why. Another oddity in the table is that the formula for a dwarf's age is 1d1000. No, that is not a typo. Not sure why they'd ignore the bell curve when they stick to it for almost every other race.

I used this random generator to substiture for having to roll my d20 eight times. (By the way, this is the site I used to make my old static avatar.) Anyway, my kobold's age is 24.2 years. This makes him middle age.

Being middle age weakens him a bit, of course. His height is 99% of normal, and his weight is 110%. No other changes, except that some of his hair is gray.

Height

The formula for a male kobold's height is like so; (6d6) + 33. Using random.org's die roller, I get 4' 6". Exactly average. There's a table for height modifiers, but since or kobold's exactly average height we won't be using those. It looks like a headache, anyway.

Weight

Why is a character's weight entirely independent from their height? Oh well, let's just do what the game says. The formula here is (3d6) + 70. this gets me 75, 5 below the average. This means that we get -1 to Strength.

There's a huge-ass footnote at the bottom that explains how they calculated the weights of the various races. Apparently they actually follow the Square-Cube Law, and even mention it by name. Cool!

Body Mass Index

Yes, you have to calculate your BMI. Let's do it and see what we come up with. The formula here is (lbs./inches² * 705). In a bizarre non sequiter, they mention that if a male character's BMI is over 30, then he won't be able to see his Manhood without a mirror.

Anyway, a BMI of 18-21 is good for a kobold. Our little guy has a BMI of 16.8. This also reduces his Bodily Attractiveness by 36. Now he can't pick up kobold chicks.

TOO MUCH MATH! I'm going to take a break for now. Still, we made it all the way to page 44. Doesn't that make you feel special?

Say, what should we name our kobold? I doubt they have a formula for generating a kobold's name, so we should probably think of one.

edited 13th Sep '09 8:19:08 PM by JBridge

There's no space in the name.

I vote we name him "Sacrificial Lamb".

Murderkill Mc Rapingdark?

Skuds Barkark

Isn't there an index especially devoted to names?

I vote we name him "Experimental Subject #32825". For anyone who cares, that's FATAL on a phone key pad.

edited 12th Sep '09 4:55:39 AM by catch_the_sun

My troper wall's now my troper page, yay!

Oh, wait, he's a white furry little guy, right?

Patrick Dabunii

The Designated Roach of Most Everlasting Suffering.

I don't know why. It just sounds weird and overly pretentious.

If you're going to do that, it has to be a Backronym.

Terrible Ungainly Rapacious Dude

It's "Square-Cube Law". And the BMI has a lot of problems.

[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.

A ridiculous number of problems. So, this game bills itself as being historically correct, yet focuses on the Roman Empire. It has large amounts of fantasy embedded, focuses very heavily on rape, torture and murder, and copious dick jokes, has hideous amounts of math and large amounts of die rolling for any given action or stat...

... and they use the BMI. This is unforgiveable!

Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.

It apparently does actually make a bell-curve, problem being that nobody cares because it takes forever.

P.S. This Is Unforgivable!!

edited 12th Sep '09 9:13:18 AM by Tzetze

[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.

I'll have to remember that for next time, but the pothole I would've wanted had a meaning closer to "I am reacting in extreme ways to a minor sleight compared to a large onslaught..."

Yes, if you roll the same type of die repeatedly and sum the results, you approach a bell curve. This is very true. I still recommend against designing any system to use that method, because it's unwieldy at best, and this at worst.

Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.

So wait. They use the square-cube law to decide the weights for different races, but then they have them completely independent, and then they use the fucking BMI?

And I thought it was bad enough that I was liveblogging Jack Chick.

SHIKI is dead.

I vote we name him Pat Robertson.

Also, you're doing a Liveblog of Chick Tracts, William? *runs off to see*

edited 12th Sep '09 3:16:04 PM by DireSloth

Not actually back.

Wow.

Props to Arilou for mentioning the Planeswalkers' Handbook, BTW. That made me smile.

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Why does one even need to know that?