Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

"Ruddy" is actually a word that is used in Britain, but generally not in a sentence with fifty other Britishisms.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

Stop! Yagmitime!

Yeah, I’ll hit myself for that joke later, chapter 10 is titeled “Dark goes to France!” Ok, the lack of CAPSLOCK TITLES ARE AWESOME here fills me with some joy, maybe just a spark of hope that this insane Marty Stu rhapsody is coming to a close. Well, what does the authors notes say? NO SHINIGAMI FIGHT THAT IDEA WAS DUM. THIS IS COOL THO! CAR CHASES WOOOO! This is better than the alternative, and I actually agree with the author here, the thought of two shinigami fighting is ridiculous. However, if you do not consider how stupid your ideas might be before you write them, odds are you’re better off just going through with it and trying your best. Of course, a last-minute recon is a bit of a cheap trick, but it is infinitely better than say… just deciding that the idea was stupid, drop it and never mentions it again. That kind of stuff breaks the immersion, if you ever had such a thing in this fic, that is.

Well, instead, we go to France, where It was a sunny day. Some birds were high in the trees and making happy noises. Then a explosion. The French, and that apparantly mean all the french wonder what the explosion was, but as the author puts it, It was........... a mystery! Again, this is about as exciting to watch paint dry, but y’all knew that, I suspect. Well, back in… America, rant: chapter one, Dark gets cuffed, straightjacketed and fitted with a facemask from Silence Of The Lambs, exactly why both handcuffs and a straightjacket is necessary? I dunno, Dark is the new Houdini or something. It’s all for naught, though, seeing as Dark writes GO BACK IN TIM!” in his everything note. Yeees, I’m not sure Tim will appreciate that, but ok, your fic. Anyway, this strikes me as yet another scene that could be suspenseful if the author knew what he was doing. The protagonist struggling against a straightjacket, before, in the last minute reaching the everything note and saving his bacon, now that I could live with. Dark simply ignoring the straightjacket without any further explanation, on the other hand, I find increasingly difficult to swallow.

So, Dark appears in France, four days earlier. Why he goes to France four days in the past? To kill Near, apparently. At this point, I start to realize, to my great shock, that the author might have had some sort of plan with this whole Near clusterfuck. Sure, it’s possible he’s just freestyling while looking at his notes from earlier, but it’s still way more thought-out than I’d ever expect this mess to be. Well, let’s not dwell on it too much. So, Dark does a couple of things that’s not relevant to anything before he tries to shoot Near, with a sniper rifle, although that’s not even mentioned before it’s revealed that Near shoots the bullet and the sniper scope with his nerf gun, which is a nerf gun but still fires bullets. I’ll just go with it at this point. “F-CK! HE SEEN ME!” bellowed Dark and jumped out the tower and laned in the river tames. The river Thames? Gah, this guy knows about as much about geography as he knows about sex, which isn’t all that much. Well, Dark (I think) steals a cab, the French is yet again rude and with, for some odd reason English with poor French Funetik Aksent as their language of choice.

The car chase that follows, well… “You can’t catch me!” rofled Near as he got in a NASCAR and vroomed away. There was action and guns shot and a bullet nearly hit Dark but he did a nitro and dodged it and it hit a French bread instead so everyone was okay. A guy started throwing knives at the car but the cab was knife proof. Dark grabbed one and throwed it back and it hit the guy and he blooded and died and there was so much blood Darks car went red. Near did an hand break turn around the mona lisa church and smashed a window and drived through beeping to scare peeps away. Ah, so much insanity, so much poorly written action. I think I’m going to let this speak for itself, mostly because it makes so preciously little sense... ok, I feel I have to ask a couple of questions which just forces themselves to mind. Why is there a NASCAR? What does the author mean with “There was action,” is he writing the action movie bible or something? Why does a guy throw knives at Dark? Why can't I? Mona Lisa Church? Does he mean the Louvre? Does this guy even know what research is? When will this madness end? I need scissors, 61?

So, Dark chases Near into the… famous… French Red Light District? I’m not saying France doesn’t have a red light district of any kind, in fact, I do not know, but I'm assuming he's thinking of the Amsterdam Red Light District. The two racers speed towards a traffic light, which the author thinks doesn’t exist in France, yet another facepalm. The car chase causes an accident, as tradition dictates. Unlike most traffic accidents, however, this involves a car carrying nukes, and the two race for their lives against Magical Fire that can go around corners, the authors words, not mine. They end up in the wrong lane, but kept going like 300 killmeters an hour (an: killmeter is france for miles) Again, does this guy even know what France IS? Let alone the language French? So… Darks handsomeness, again with his damned handsomeness, causes yet another car accident, but this time Dark takes the time to rescue the victim, the real Naomi.

What follows… ugh, just doesn’t make sense. Dark asks if Naomi didn’t die in chapter four, again probably consulting the script or delivering painfully unsubtle exposition, take your pick. Naomi, however, states that the one who died at that point was Takada dressed as her. How does anyone of these people know anything of this? Ok, Dark believing Naomi to be dead, I can handle, but Naomi knowing that he’d think that and knowing that it was Takada? Oh, and the author chimes in with a helpful in case u forget. Again, treating your readers as flipping morons does not make loyal fans, nor happy readers, for that matter. So, Dark reasons that Near plans to escape to England, through the England-France tunnel, but that’s apparently no problem because: “I am from Lodon!” she replied and showed him her knickers (AN: English for panties) wtich had the british flag on them. *sigh* ok, whatever you say fic. I don’t see how this is supposed to make any sense, but ok, Nears plans will surely be foiled by the power of… having a local on Darks side.

The author wraps this chapter up with the following: I KNOW NOAMI WAS NOT ENLGISH BUT IT MAKESS THE STORY COOLER THIS WAY! My first reaction to this is bafflement as to why the author feels like it is necessary to excuse for changing around on characters now. Part of this might be because Naomi originally was American, or simply because the author, unlike the other times he has shoved a white-hot poker up Death Note canon’s ass, is aware of what he’s doing at this point. So yeah, this chapter was less monumentally stupid than the previous one, which I might look at as a good thing, hadn’t it been for the fact that there’s still more than enough stupid to go around. It’s like if Uwe Boll got a decent budget and some known and at least decent actors Oh, Wait!. If anything, this chapter was boring, not even entertainingly bad, and I'm writing that off as yet another low, minimal improvement notwithstanding.

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Don't compare this to Uwe Boll. Boll's a genius in comparison.

INT is knowing a tomato is a fruit. WIS is knowing it doesn't belong in a fruit salad. CHA is convincing people that it does.

Now I'm reminded of the American girl from Midori No Hibi with star-spangled panties.

You know what's scary? I'm pretty sure this story is still being written. My Immortal is long and horrible, but at least Wicked knows when he can stop. I have this terrifying mental image of Slowzombie still posting updates in five years' time. Brrrrrr.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

Wait... still being written you say? "Well at least it's short" is the main selling point of the story... now excuse me, I think I need a minute to silently panick.

In heaven everything is fine, you've got your things and I've got mine, in heaven everything is fine...

edited 24th Nov '09 11:04:24 AM by slowzombie

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I was going to ask how many chapters were left, only to hear that this shit is ongoing!?

When If this all ends, I'll introduce you to a very good therapist.

edited 24th Nov '09 5:46:07 PM by Neo_Crimson

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!

Well... the evidence is inconclusive. The last posted chapter was posted over a year ago, but was modified as late as last month so... yeah, lucky half of my friends study Psychology, no?

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Mystery: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!?!

edited 24th Nov '09 7:17:30 PM by intuition

"I like them to talk nonsense. That's man's one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to truth! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes- and very likely a hundred and fourteen." - Razumikhin, Crime and Punishment

Really? I thought the last chapter went up fairly recently.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

No, wait. More accurately... I don't know. Really, I wish I did, but I'm not very well versed in fanfiction.net-ism, so, well, I dunno. If anyone who actually knows how that site works would just have a quick looksee and finish this sillyness, that'd be much appriciated.

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Hey everyone, it's fun to stay at the Y-A-G-A-M-I. Alright, the capslock titles seems to be gone all together, this chapter is called «Dark and noami in England.» Sure, it's misspelled, but it's better than... well, a lot of other titles thus far. The author notes states as following: THIS CHAPTER IS MORE GRAFFIC BUT STILL T RATED! Well, if his previous sad attempts at writing anything resembling lemon is to be any indication, I wouldn't hide the daughter, shoot the sons and bring out the guns. Or rather, you could bring out the guns, I suppose. It strikes me as I type this how absurd using so much time to pick apart the works of some stranger. Well, I've done worse, like the time... well this is no time for stories, this is Letsblog time.

So, Naomi & Dark rocket through the tunnel, apparently emerging right next to Big Ben. Y'all remember Eurotrip? Once, I thought the whole «London is like the suburb of Berlin»-thing was an excaggeration, but you know what? I think we have the geography fail version of Poe's Law at work here. Not that I should be surprised. Anyway, Dark causes some property damage, again without any semblance of adhering to the rules of physics or common decency, before the two decide to settle down for the night. But how will Dark overcome the mighty language barrier? Not like there is one, but: “Good day” chipped up Dark pretending to talk British. Chipped up? Is that meant to mean anything? I'm fairly proficient at understanding British accents, or lame attempts at mock Britness, but this one has me one hundred percent stumped. Well, not to drive myself completely insane, I will swiftly move on in the story. Dark, again without stopping to explain how he achieved the funds to do so, rents a hotel room that, well, the description speaks for itself.

The room was like the size of a airplane garage and the walls were mad of gold and rubberys. In the middle of the crapet which was all tartan was a bed that was the big as a truck. It was made with gold blankets and goose feathers inside it and the mints on the pillow were dead posh and it had Magic Fingers too. Dark eated both the mints because he was like L and ate candies. Ok... gold and rubberys. Do I want to know what that last part is supposed to be? I know it's probably rubies, but I'm afraid it just might be something infinitely worse. Also, what hotel is this meant to be? I know that's a rather minor complaint, but honestly, a room like the one described? Or even close? I'm not sure there's a hotel in all of Great Britain that's this ridiculously posh. Oh, and Dark has seemingly canibalized one of L's traits, again the author seems to think it's best to just say characters have this and that character trait and pretend he always had it.

So, what happens next? Gee, a woman and the authors favorite Marty Stu sex god, alone in a hotel room? I sure do wonder what could come out of this. Well, you can't hear me sighing, but trust me, dear readers, I am. As the oddest sort of fore-foreplay I've ever heard about, Dark grows a moustache. No, that's not an euphemism, although I could forgive you for thinking so. Dark Yagami simply concentrates and spontaneously grows a decent moustache. I know people that, if they didn't hate him already, hard to believe as it is, would be ready to kill Dark and feed him to rabid pitbulls, not necessarily in that order, for that particular... feat. Oh, and the author confused Naoim for Takada, which as far as stupidity goes is... rather mild, actually. The next scene... just, the next scene... Dark had read a book about sexing and also done it a few times so he knew the drill. Noami was still a verging though and thats why see dumped Ray for Dark. She was surpised at Darks man thingy because it was big than Rays by about seventeen times. Ray wood often take his pants of and show her but not use it cos dark was bigger and scarred him.Dark did the sexy thing and they both liked it especially dark. Then he did a thing he read in a book but it didnt taste good so he stopped but noami licked it so they kept going.They sexed all night so much they didnt have to sleep. Dark had a shower and Naomi needed two just in case.

You know what? I can excuse a lot of stupidity from this fic, but this is severely pushing it. Let's just take it piece by piece, shall we? Ok... Dark has had sex a couple of times... yeah, apparently including with... nope, unwritten, does no longer exist. So, Naomi, again misspelled, is a virgin, I would assume, and dumped her husband because of that? I can see a few scenarios where dumping could be done because someone WASN'T a virgin, but even in this age of frivolous divorces, I struggle to see why this... no, you know, I don't want to think any more about it. You know why? Because in the very next sentence, we yet again discuss the main character of the story, the real main character, I mean, Dark's humongous wang. I'm aware there's no exact measurements available, a fact I appriciate and suspect my dear readers might too, but 17 times larger? I'm no doctor, but that sounds ridiculous, no wait, it IS ridiculous. Well, the Logic Bomb that follows is something to behold, too. Ray Penber, FBI agent, not only knows about Dark, but also is so intimidated by his overpoweringly huge penis that he dares not have intercourse with his own wife. That's not how men work, that's not how anything works. Oh, and finally, the sex scene is about as sexy as it's not confusing, that should really say it all.

So, the two suit up and go to kill Near, who is... well nearby. I know, the «puns» are driving me insane too. They encounter him, dressed as... a chimney sweep? Hm, L might be the master of stealth, but Near certainly is the master of disguises. So, Dark responds to this masterfull disguise by coshing him over the head with a cosh. Now, this confused me for a little while, and I actually had to check it out, but it turns out that indeed, both coshing and cosh are real words, and although he'll get no points for creating a believable Britain from me, it certainly shows a certain will to try, if nothing else.

Of course, the author immediately lose any and all points granted to him when he, in the very next scene, starts off with yet another Near-joke. Oh, and the author threw in a (GET IT!) ... great. Anyway, Near finds himself in Dark's warehouse, again where did he get the money for all of this? So, Dark tries to blow up Near with a bomb, but... fails? How in the world can you fail to kill someone with a bomb? Sure, if the bomb fizzles or misfires or whatever it could make some semblance of sense, but if that happens, that's what you write. You can't just write that someone fails to kill someone else with a bomb. Instead of just killing the pun-attracting whippersnapper, though, Dark goes to the backroom to continue the copious shagging of Naomi. What? Is he turning Dark into a second-rate horny Bond-villain now?

Dark walked into the bedroom at the back of the wharehouse were the bed and the hot tub was. Naomi was waiting and she was even nakeder than earlier expect for her dressing gown. Naked, you keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Yeah, I know, re-used joke, but come on, this guy keeps throwing them at me. Dark and Naomi exchanges something that when not written by a sex-crazed fanfic writer, could almost be considered semi-romantic pillow talk. Either that, or my standards have been slowly drained since I started writing, and I am doomed to start sniffeling at Anakin's «I hate sand»-speech, just what I needed.

So, Dark knocks Near out and apparently transports him to the other warehouse he owns, where he continues to beat up Near. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, beating up defenseless people, destroying buildings, cars and anything nuclear, lovely gardener. Well, the scene goes like so: “I built this dungeons (cosh) when watarmi (cosh) was queen (cohs) to keep my prisoners in(cosh). It is over six million years old (c0sh) and guy forks (cosh) was shooted in this very room (cos). DO (cosh) YOU (cosh) WANT (cosh) TO (cosh) BE (cosh) NECKS?” Ok, first of all YOU! FAIL! AT! PUNCTUATED! POUNDING!, secondly, how old is this place really? I mean, if the mangeled timeline is to believed, Watari hasn't become queen yet, since this happens 4 3 a couple of days before Dark's ascension to king of the world, and even if it had happened after, it simply couldn't be six million years old, neither could Guy Fawkes, I'm asuming that's who he means, get shot in there, perticularily because he didn't get shot.

So, L calls Dark to negotiate for Near's release, the negotiations fail and Dark then takes the whole crew on a tube to Wales. Yeah, yeah, I know, just go with it, it's gonna get worse before it... gets worse again. “Why are we hear?” asked Noami. “BECAUSE... I NEED TO FIND MY SISTER.” “Your sister is sayu and she is at home with misa lesbeaning.” rumored Near. “No, my other sister...... NIGHT YAGAMI!” Fuck no! You're not doing this author, you just are not doing this. You can't just pull yet another Yagami sibling out of your ass, narrative structure and stories in general does just not work this way. I don't care if this Night Yagami is an actually interesting character, I don't care if she's well-writen and sympathic, although I find that increasingly difficult to believe, you just can't... do this. Nothing up to this point even hinted at more Yagamis being present, I see no reason to even include another horrible abomination of a character, pushing anyone even resembling the original cast back, either into obscurity, poorly defined antagonism or mindless sex-droneness. I keep saying this, but honestly, this is a new low. Why include yet another character? I'd answer, but honestly, I have no fucking clue where the author is going with this, and that's not in the «Gee, this is so masterfully crafted one might never fully see where we are going untill we're there»-way either, no it's more in the «a drunk chimp with a teleporter in Ry'leh is easier to predict than what insanity the author decides to indulge in next.»

So, tune in next time, when I find out if there's more creepy incestous sex to be had, if this Night Yagami is as bad as I fear and if the madness will ever end. Now, if you would excuse me, I think I need to lay down for a little while, or read something that isn't shit. I've been considering to do a more serious LB of that Dracula sequel that just came out, maybe there's salvation to be found there... or not

edited 26th Nov '09 3:45:47 PM by slowzombie

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The image of Near as a chimney sweep is just hilarious. He should have spoken with a cockney accent, just to make it complete.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

It's that time again people, the time when lesser men run in fear as the stronger ones stand to fight, the time when writers of passable skill feel pain sear them straight to the soul, the time when I liveblog The Yagami saga, yet another chapter. This chapter is called «Lights sis Night Yagami comes.» Great, I'm so looking forwards to meeting this new character. Also, no author notes this time, I'm not certain to which degree that's a good sign or not.

Well, the chapter begins with our... heroes getting off the train in the eternally misspelled town called Whales. Dark lands with a roll, just to be cool, of course. A cop spots the group and... well, shoots at them with a shotgun, but, I quote: the bullets curved like the matrix or something and broke a window and the train and a fire ran after them at like the speed of light so Dark had to grab Near and Noami and jumped fast offa cliff into loch nes. Geography fail notwithstanding, I'm fairly certain British cops do not carry weapons, and definitely not shotguns. And why are they shooting at Dark & Crew? Don't get me wrong, I'm almost considering if I'd do the same, but come on, no «oh, hey, stop» or «you are bound by law» or anything like that, nope, just ready, aim & fire. Oh, and in Loch Ness, they encounter Nessie, whom Dark just plain punches. A fitting description of these few chapters would be Dark taking everything even vaugely European and then destroying it in one way or another.

We then cut to a science-y place underneath the Whammy House, where a lady is introduced like so: she was naked and a whole bunch of pipes and wires and stuff were stuck to her skin. Then she got out and gettted dress. She put on a silver top that said nike on it and genes as well that were ripped. She died her hare and it was pink with green bits and some red and also some b lack where the die missed. Then she mohawked her hair and put on a piercing shaped like a nuclear. I'm willing to bet that this here is Night, and, well, it's not the worst introduction I've heard, it does not make me optimistic. Shaped like a nuclear, by the way, I'm not quite sure you can actually say that, but let's for a moment assume that makes sense, and pass it without any further commentary.

On the roof of the Whammy house... I think, we only hear it's «on the roof.» one assumes it is not on the roof of a moving car, or the Vatican, but you never can tell. Dark apparently has a drill in his pocket. If you excuse the insanely lame joke, I guess that means he wasn't that glad to see us after all. Well, with a drill he could fit in his pocket, he makes a hole large enough to jump into. Inside was like 1000000 stormtroopers that weren’t but wore the suits for safeness. Ehm, a million stormtroopers? Or just 1 mill Mooks dressed like stormtroopers? What is this place? The Mines of Moria? A Tardis? The House in Ash Tree Lane? Well, how does Dark react? With smugness, of course. I wish I could kill you to death, Dark Yagami.

Dark pulls a gun and notices that there's exactly 100000 bullets in the clip, which leads him to assume he'll be ok as long as he doesn't miss. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that mean he'd have to kill ten Mooks per bullet. Maybe it's a rocket launcher? Or maybe this goddamn fic makes no goddamn sense.? It's not impossible. Oh, and Dark apparently punches a guy so hard the hundred next guys also die, I guess you can write this off as the author just going full Rule of Cool and forgetting the tattered remains of a story, or that the author has finally gone mad. Well, Near freaks out because he's not used to blood, except for blood banans  ^*

.

The crew find the lab. You know, the lab they know about because... ehm, because... I've got nothing. Because Dark has plotvision, I guess. They encounter a mystical lady who doesn't speak English. Luckily, Near speaks Welsh, which I guess makes as much sense as anything else thus far, and the conversation goes like so: “I am Dark Yagami. You look sexyed. I am Dark Yagami.” “NO WAY!” she explained. “IM YOUR F-CKING SISTER! NIGHT YAAGMI!” They all gasped even tho they new cos i told them last time remember? Yay, and the creepy, incestous vibes comes back, I've missed you, creepy, incestous vibes. Also, reminding people things they probably would know is always fun for the whole family. Turns out Night is cloned from Dark's DNA... somehow?

Well, they sit down and chat, and Night reveals that her skin is made out of Death Note sheets, so she can kill people by getting tatoos. Also, she has shinigami eyes and can hear people's thoughts with her «shinigami ears.» Great. I think I'm going to write her up as a Sue right away. It doesn't help that apparently, one day she will sing the song that ends the world. What's that, ripping of Penny Arcade now? Or just giving your newest sue just a little more oompf? Well, it gets worse before it gets better, because as they get ready to leave, Naomi confesses her eternal and undying love... for Night.

What follows does not fill me with joy and hope for the rest of the fic, rather on the contrary. The gang argue, Night divulged that she's in love with Mello, and the clone-Mello cometh. At least I think he's a clone, seeing as he jumps out of a test tube, ten chapters after being shot. The final sentence bears quoting. It was Mello! And he had a life note! And L was there! And Night was getting a tattoo! And it said.... “Near”! Ok, for a lot of plotlines, I was willing to give the series the benefit of the doubt, but this? Nope. Characters returning from the dead? As clones? Characters just joining the fray without having any introduction to having done so? The previous timeline is now in shreds, and who the hell is tatooing Night? Does she do it herself? Does she always have a tattoo needle with her? Is there really any reason to care? Will I see you next time? Can I stop saying things in question form now? Apparently not?

edited 29th Nov '09 9:26:19 AM by slowzombie

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Dark punched the Loch Ness Monster? I'm sorry, I don't condone animal abuse, but that's kind of awesome.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

My head hurts...

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!

Skin made out of Death Note sheets actually sounds vaguely cool.

You can't even write racist abuse in excrement on somebody's car without the politically correct brigade jumping down your throat!

You left out "Near" not being his real name.

Yeah, you've got a point, didn't think of that. It's a relatively minor thing in this fic though, and as I mentioned earlier, when the smaller transgressions are still humongous WallBangers, that's somewhat worrying. On the topic of skin made out of death note paper, it could work, but how on earth did she get it? Of course, I could question why a clone of Dark is female, but I do of course realize this is not in itself impossible, not nearly as hard to believe that said clone can kill people with her skin, anyway.

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I've run out of clever Yagamitime puns. Somewhat depressing considering whe still have quite a way to go. Well. This chapter is titeled «unlucky number,» doubtlessly because this is chapter #13, not because it has anything to do with the story. Then again, it could happen that, by some insane coincidence, it actually has any relevance to the story, but I doubt it. The author doesn't really say anything particularily riff-worthy, except that he wishes more reviews. Again, I highly doubt that he does, but since the comment section on Fan Fiction.net seems to be convinced this guy is a genius troll, and he seems unable to grasp the concept of a Troll Fic, 's no wonder he's content with his reviews.

Well, on with the story. Do you remember how I said Mello was a clone, and I thought that was a stupid twist? Well, not to worry, because it isn't a clone. It's the real Mello. yay And how did he manage to survive being shot way too many times by the resident Marty Stu? He made a deal with Blud, of course. Blud is, for some reason as of yet unexplained, still alive and now drawing some sort of samurai sword to use against Dark... wait, what?

A fight scene ensues, hooh boy, a fight scene indeed. I'm breaking this up into fragments, lest I go completely batshit bonkers trying to cover everything that's wrong with this scene. He swung his sword real fast at Dark and dodged it faster so they were fighting to fast to see. Ehm, ok, when did Dark get super-speed? Except being exactly as powerful as the plot requires him to be, that is. Occasionally a bomb or a spark went off and made it more exciting and one time Dark did a kamy hamy ha. Ok, the super speed doesn't seem all that bad any more, can we go back to the super speed and away from the Kamehame-has please? They stopped for a bit flying in the air as bits of rock and science floated around then. Rock and SCIENCE! Yeah, I'm not even touching what that's supposed to mean. “YOU WERE A WORTHY APPRENTICE MY YOUNG GRASSHOOPER” he said wiping blood of his mouth. “BUT NOW YOU WILL DIET!” Yeees, you will be put on the atkins diet untill you DIE! Mehehehe. Yeah, still not the worst spelling error I've seen, I know, the degree of horrible, horrible things I've seen is starting to frighten me too. He put the sword away and got out a big mace. He sprayed the mace but missed. Mace (Medival weapon) =/= Mace (Pepper Spray). Honestly if you're going to do big dumb action fight scenes, you could at least make sure you do it properly. Then he got out seventeen crossbows stuck together with blood and duck tape. He fired and arrows went everywear. And one of hem hit............................................ Mello. Blood instead of glue? I'm fairly certain that wouldn't work at all. Besides, if you have duck tape, what more do you need? Anyway, again with the aggressive overuse of periods. Why does this keep cropping up in crappy fanfics? It's easily one of the worst ways to try creating tension I know about, maybe except for outright writing that everything is very exciting.

So, it turns out Blud worked for Dark all along, despite being dead. Can I just write off the entire shinigami king-debacle as Dis Continuity, or isn't there enough actual continuity in this fic for that? Well, Mello does not let this fact stop him as he retrieves a bazooka out of his pants. He pulls a bazooka... out of his pants. There is room in his pants... for a bazooka. Right, well, just going with it seems just fine, yeah. Dark then punches the bazooka out of Mello's hands, causing the thing to fly into the sky. The following exchange must be read to be believed. “WHY DID YOU KILL ME YOU CN———T?” He said with a naughty word which I cant say cos its T not M. “Cos Im evil.” And then it all made sense. Haha, finally, it make sense, everything makes sense, this fic is no longer an incoherent mess of poorly planned Marty Stu wankery. You can not hear it, dear readers, but I assure you Handels' Hallelujah choir is blasting at full volume over here. For those in doubt. Seriously, what in the name of the Flying Nightgaunt Flower Delivery Service is the author getting at here? Is everything finally making sense to Mello? Or to Dark? To the author? To me? The last one I know to be untrue, but the rest? It could start making sense to Santa Claus for all I know.

Dark got out a knife from his arm like the assassens creed dude and stabbed Near near (ITS A JOKE!) the heart. Gah, you know what, I have no more snarky riffs about this guy's complete lack of comedic talents, there just isn't any left. The constant Near jokes would be bad enough on their own, but the author's tendency to try to hammer the fact that it, indeed, is a joke is starting to become somewhat of a Berserk Button of mine. Well, moving on while we still have our minds, Near dies. Dark apparently needed Near for a sacrifice. Sacrifice to who? Or what? I guess we'll get some sort of explanation... or maybe we won't. It probably won't make sense either way, so let's not make a big fuzz about it.

Naomi and Night goes off to «sex,» as it were, and apparently the author has the memory capabilities of a certain {{Memento Mr. Leonard}}, because Mello, who recently was in the middle of a brawl with Dark, and L, who hasn't been mentioned since last chapter, but has been stated to have been there, is promptly forgotten. They find a bed, the bed apparently belonging to a character from another of the authors fics. Pointless cameos for the win I guess? So, not to make this whole mess any creepier, Night and Dark takes turns having sex with Naomi... I think? The sentence in question is Dark and Night took it turns cos they were bros and it would be creepy otherways. They sexed all thru the dark night (GET IT?) I'm praying that my interpretation is the correct one, because frankly, it's the least disturbing of the alternatives I could find. Oh, and yet another GET IT. I should have started a drinking game of some kind, that's make this so much easier to get through.

So, the morning after, Dark asks what Blud wants as a thank for helping him with the whole insane Xanatos' butterfly hurricane machine-thing. Blud wants Dark to set him up with Mrs. Yagami, to which Dark replies by punching him. Methinks he'd rather not share No, bad Liveblogger, if you stop talking about it, it might go away on itself. Instead, he agrees on giving Blud all the blood banans  ^*

in the world. A quick plane trip to russia later, the whole matter is resolved, again without indication about where Dark actually gets his money from. Yay.

So, Dark gets ready to do the abovementioned sacrifice. They retrive Near from his cell, despite him being dead not half a page lenght of fic ago. Honestly, the author doesn't seem to give a crap if any of this makes any sense, so why should I? Except from the fact that it's funnier when someone plays Straight Man to all of this madness, of course. Well, the purpose of all of this? To create an Anti Life Note. Gah, I hate stealing jokes  ^*

, but what the Ry'leh, the chance is too good to pass up. ANTI LIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE! Ehm, well, yes, as I was about to say, yet another note to clutter up the story. Luckily, this note seems to do what Death Notes were supposed to do in the first place, which is to say kill someone without chance of reanimation of other sillyness. Yay. Despite Near being a central ingredient in this «sacrifice,» he's still alive, untill the crew decide to test the anti-life note, of course, at which point, as the author puts it: HE WAS DEAD FOREVER? O_o; SHOCKING!

So, to wrap it up, Dark tries to use the anti life note to kill L, but realizes that he doesn't know L's real name, and “I Will have to go on a QUEST to find his real name!” So, after all this madness, after Dark has had... what, five-six good chances to kill L and kill him good, he's finally getting to it? Are we nearing some sort of end? Some sort of end that doesn't include me going insane in a mall with a cheese grater and squirt guns full of vinegar? Heh, well, we'll see, now won't we?

edited 30th Nov '09 2:55:50 PM by slowzombie

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Whether or not he had any idea what he was doing, I choose to read this as a joke that's actually pretty clever (relying on subversion of expectations, because if he's putting away one medieval weapon, you expect him to take out another one).

And The DCU's anti-life is what that made me think of too. Maybe later there'll be a "Scott Free Note".

edited 30th Nov '09 2:04:24 PM by Haven

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Of course! Don't you know anything about SCIENCE!

...

Okay, that's enough jokes ripped off from Linkara for today.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

Like to Asuka in Neon Genesis Evangelion?

SHIKI is dead.

I didn't think about it at the time of the writing, but yeah, if you put this entire thing to either the Hallelujah Chorus or Beethoven's Ninth... well, the final effect is eerily similar at any rate. Now, although I do agree on saying that's enough Linkara jokes for today, that is mostly because I as of yet haven't found a good way to force in a "I AM A MAN"-joke... yet.

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Behold the only good thing to come out of this fic.

I'm sooo tempted to sig this.

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!