Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

SLOWZOMBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I missed this liveblog. ç_ç

EDIT: Also, Haven's new signature encapsulates the awesomeness of this new chapter.

edited 28th Sep '10 1:38:25 PM by WUE

Dayum, new chapter already. I'm guessing this is not a good thing, well, expect some snark on this tomorrow or the day after, way too late to deal with these shenanigans now.

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I'm anxiously waiting for your literary analysis of the new chapter of this fine piece of literature, slowzombie. Don't let me down.

I wanted a badfic, and for my sins, they gave me one. Hooh boy, did they ever. It's time to tackle chapter 36 of this still ongoing mess. Today's chapter is called "GETTING REDY FOR THE FIIIIGHT" Oh capslock, how I've missed you, how's your sister, Bad Spelling? Well, no author's notes today, which makes me wonder if chapter 35 & 36 was intended to be one long clusterfuck of a chapter. Let's get on with it, then.

Ray wants to get going, but Watari wants to know how many guns he has first. Ray has five guns, which usually is enough for most people who doesn't happen to be Mahakali, but Watari isn't satisfied. "THAT IS NOT SODDING ENOUGH WIZARDLY GUNS! YOU WILL NEED LIKE FIVE HUNDRED TO HAVE ANY HOP OF OUTWITTING THE BASTARDLY YAGAMIS!" Wits equals guns now. Yes. This means that the Doomguy from the Doom Comic is quite possibly the most crafty bastard in the world. Also, "Wizardly Guns," what's that supposed to be? Guns for wizards or guns that themselves are wizards? Are there even wizards? Do Wizards exist in this setting? Why does the word "wizard" suddenly have no meaning to me?

The newest Stu of the fic, C, however, has it covered. Fair warning, the following quote might blow your mind, one way or another. Then C pulled down his pants. Everyone was shocked but then he took some special transformer guns from his special place and then they weren't shocked cos they new why he done it now! They got big when he showed them to people. Uh, C, dude, Captain Jack Harkness called, he wants his trick back. Also, that last sentence there seems oddly fetishistic, just in case you were looking for further proof that the author is pulling our legs.

Next, we move to "Inside the house." Inside what house, you might ask, and I'm not sure, maybe it's the House in Ash Tree Lane. As much fun as that would be, though, context eventually makes it clear that it's the Yagami household. Alarms go off, klaxon, red lights and the sudden appearance of bulletproof steel doors. Night explains that it's her emergency alarm that turns the house into a robot fort whenever there's "evil duded" afoot. Robot Fort huh? Well, all we're missing now is drills and a loudmouthed Crazy Awesome sexist with funky sunglasses, and we're golden.

Anyway, Night goes to her room, where Sayu and Misa were there and they were naked and embraced cos they were sexing in nights room when the emergency went and a bunch of lights red and the steel doors locked them in the room Some day, I'd like to investigate in depth how much of the sex scenes in this story actually contributes to the narrative at all. An educated guess, though, would be "none." At any rate, Night doesn't mind the two having sex in her room, but the alarm marks the end of the fun, mood killing as it is. The question on everybody's lips is this time uttered by Misa, with complimentary fanservice, of course. "What is this?" misa asked doing the scared dance. Her chest was very bouncy and bounced a lot when she did it and it was dead hot cos bouncy chests are meant to be hot! Is The Scared Dance perhaps similar to the Thriller dance, or possibly the logical precursor to the Safety Dance. Oh, and Misa is Gainaxing now, huzzah.

Night explains it all again, natch, a slightly laconic version yes, but it really isn't doing the pace any favor. The three decide to get ready for battle. The three girls grabbed death notes and life notes and sex notes for later and swords and got ready! A Sex Note now? I'm surprised this one didn't come up sooner, given the overall maturity of this whole... thing. Meanwhile, in Dark's room, Dark is getting changed into his battle gear, which he apparently has all of a sudden while Light is watching. The author goes to great lenghts to demonstrate there's nothing homosexual about this, to the point where I'm getting flashbacks to the Sonichu audiobooks. Dark even tops it off with saying "I am not gay"Darksaid because the readers at home might think so other ways because... you know, a fictional character doing things that might be hinting at him or her being homosexual while insisting to be heterosexual doesn't give people ideas at all. This is so blatant that I get that whole "The author isn't even trying"-vibe again.

So, people dress up in increasingly insane combat outfits, my favorite being a T-shirt and Jeans... made out of platinium. The fact that strictly speaking, Jeans not made out of denim probably can't be called jeans, doesn't even begin to measure up to the crazy ridiculous-cum-awesome thought of such an attire, although it kind of boggles the mind how one is supposed to get them on. Through some frankly ridiculous surveilance equipment, the crew discover the arriving L Crew. Light thinks this is pretty much the worst thing that could happen, but Dark has another idea. "Actually the worst thing that could happen was if I was eaten by a lion but this is still pretty bad" dark said wisely I think I'm nominating this to "First Witty Line In the Fic," and almost 40 chapters in, that's... yeah. For the record, it could still be worse. Radioactive Bears, that is all

The crew suggests bringing out their secret weapon, exactly who does, I'm a little uncertain of, but it certainly wasn't Dawn, as he's uncertain what the secret weapon is, exactly. Well, TO THE NIGHTLAB, except they're already there. Right, that makes sense, why not? Night points the crew to an sciency looking thing in the corner of the room. It was like a giant icebox made of gold and covered in computers and there was smoke coming off it but it was the cold smoke that ice makes. At some point, I should probably question where everybody gets the funds for this shit, but honestly, I've pretty much given up on said line of inquiry at this point. What is this? You might ask, well... "It is obviously a freezer for freezing DNA vampires!" Oh... crap, I know where this is going, and I'm not liking it, not one bit.

I could ask what the hell a DNA vampire is supposed to be, and since that'll delay the inevitable, I think I'll go ahead and do that. I mean, is it a vampire that eats DNA? That sounds like a halfway cool idea, although it'd require some serious rewriting of the Lore, since red blood cells actually are so specialized that they do not have DNA. Sure, the white blood cells do, and I guess that's a justification for it, but there must be more effective ways of harvesting DNA. Oh, or it could be that a DNA vampire is a cloned vampire or a vampire with DNA or I don't fucking know, let's continue.

Indeed, the freezer contains THE VAMPIRE CLONE OF DARK YAGAMI apropriately named, what else, Twilight Yagami. Author! Explain! (GET IT! Some dudes in the reviews made it up so good job guys! It was clever cos twilight is a thing and there is a vampire and they are named after dawn and stuff! Yes, clever was the word, that or lame I guess. Night thaws the vampire out with a flamethrower, of course, and reveals our newest sue. He had fangs like samrai swords and robot skin but it wasn't shiny cos those vampires are lame So you based your character on a set of creatures you find to be lame? I'm not necessarily disagreeing, but that's kinda odd. Oh and the vampire also has eyes  ^*

. Twilight jumps out of his containment and starts breaking Dawn, if you by "break" mean "bite" in which case you probably should ask for your money back for that thesaurus.

Dark asks where Night got this handsome specimen, and the author points out that Dark DEFINITELY isn't gay. Seriously dude, you're really stretching the Kayfabe here. Also, it's revealed that Twilight is 50% Dark Yagami and 50% Blud the shinigami. I believe that we with this have reached a new level of Sueness, what with the inclusion of a half-human half-whatever hybrid, doubtlessly with the strengths of both and the weaknesses of neither.

So, this chapter. There have been times when I've been flabbergasted by this fic, but this is the first time it's given me a So Bad, It's Good-gasm, either that, or I just went a little insane, I'm not particularly sure which of them, but some SAN was probably lost. It's fully possible that someone else came up with the Twilight Yagami idea independent from this thread.... <.< Buuuuut just in case *ahem*

"All that's missing now is a Kamina clone Yagami sibling wielding a Katana made out of bees "

Worth a shot, yes?

edited 5th Oct '10 9:13:54 AM by slowzombie

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"Kamina clone Yagami sibling?" Don't give the author any ideas!

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

I've been trying so hard to keep quiet in this library all day, but the 'eyes MADE OUT OF BLOOD' put a stop to that real fast.

Bless you, Slowzombie. I needed that so bad.

I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology.

Twilight Yagami? Just when I though this fanfic couldn't SUCK any more...

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

If Jesus reads this, I want my pants back...

I actually laughed at the Breaking Dawn pun. Am I a terrible person?

Also, this is seriously the first time you got a So Bad, It's Good-gasm from this fic? Because I think I had like twenty within the first five chapters.

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

Yeah, I'd say so. I dunno quite what happened, but during Twilight's introduction I just couldn't stop laughing. To which degree this is a sign of me finally loosing it or not, well, I won't be the judge. Oh, and Swingyshark: You're welcome, glad I make people laugh with this thing

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^^ Of course not.   ^*

However, I'm a terrible person for having to make a belated Candlejack joke.

Khaos: I'm going to need more rope.

Can't believe I missed that the first ti

edited 5th Oct '10 3:02:42 PM by Swingyshark

I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology.

Fantastic sporking as ever, Slowzombie. You missed my favourite line, though:

sayu got all turned on again which was bad cos this wasn't time for sexing ! THIS WAS TIME FOR WAR.

So, people, quick update. Out of morbid curiosity, I keep paying attention to the author, Real Dark Yagami's twitter, and turns out we've got a little plot twist.

Allow me to transcribe my rough thoughts as I read this. 1: Wait, what happened to Ryuk again. 2: How long is it since he did anything useful to the story agai... 3: Zombie? Shinigami can be zombies? I figured they were mostly zombie-ish, sans the biting, from the get-go 4: Yeah, that's right, you did not mention that, that's typically something you'd want to mention 5: Ryuk has a car? And did he eat something he knew would kill him while driving a car? 6: Oh great, that means a new chapter for me, doesn't it? 7: fgsfds

Now, with that bit of insanity out of the way, I see the guy's finally getting some use of his twitter. Sure, it's for the same old trolling, but hey, old dogs and tricks, what can I say

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Guys...today is the one-year anniversary of Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami. I think some sort of celebration is in order, purely because Slowzombie was able to come this far without turning into a raving lunatic. So, thank you for putting your sanity on the line in the name of our entertainment, and may this liveblog go on for many more days. ...Wait, should I be wishing that?

You're an ad hominem attack!

Hot damn, been a year already? I could have sworn it was next month, and as such, my very clever  ^*

anniversary thingie will have to be postponed a little. It will be out some time soon, though, I hope.

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I hope so too!

So, it's that time of the whatever-the-hell-timeframe-this-is again people, it's time for another Dark Yagami chapter. This one is called "THE TURTH OF THE ACTION!!!!" That's... kind of Zen when you think about it. Stupid, misspelled Zen, but hey, you take what you can get. The Author's notes are fairly laconic this time. This chatper was going to be THE BIG FIGHT, but there was one thing u neded to now first Uh... to paraphrase The Virgin Mary... come again? That was short, but confusing. I guess that's good, means less work for me, although I can't shake the feeling the author's winding up to something... ominous.

Anyway, the action resumes as L and his crew approach the robotised Yagami household, that now is so big that it collided with the moon but it wasn't pointy so it was ok huh, must've missed that big last time. Well, one can't become an evil-ish Marty Stu without a properly imposing doom fortress, I guess. Also, I could question if "it" is referring to the castle or the moon here, but I'm guessing it's the moon, let's face it, minor grammatical inconsistencies is not this fic's biggest problem. Anyway, L has a plan to deal with this plus-sized fortress. He pulls out a comically oversized drill... of course. "I got it from my bro T" L remarked. Wait... T? Is that what I think it is? Now that's just... uncanny really. Anyway, this doesn't come to much as L tried to drill the robot fort but failed because drills are lame Well, I guess that settles that. Move over, TTGL, RealDarkYagami tells us how it is.

Well, it all moves at a pretty standard pace, Dark mocks L and "The team" from up on high on his robotic fortress and then Twilight sumons a army of zombies like Alucar, I'm guessing he's referring to Alucard from Hellsing, who strictly speaking didn't summon zombies as he summoned... uh... something, can't quite remember what, but I'm pretty sure they weren't zombies. Also, I didn't know this guy was into Hellsing. Guess it makes sense, though. Midway, though, something a little odd happens. Suddenly! Dark started laughing evily like an evil dude and suddenly, our heroes, villains and in-betweens find themsevles in a completely different location. No, really, that's what it says. Light looked around, and found himself some other place, some place that could not be. Wait... that's... not really spelled wrong or phrased overly awkwardly, what the hell is going on here?

Uh... ok, Light, L, Watari, Soichiro, Ryuk and Misa find themselves in a dark room, or maybe void is more accurate, since they can't see the walls. They're blinking, as if awoken from a long slumber. Author, what the hell are you up to this time? Don't get me wrong, I'll play along, but this is actually starting to freak me out a little. The only visible object in the room appears to be a silver throne, in which A teenager slouched with the regal calm of a cat just about finished playing with a mouse. He has features not unlike those of Light, but as if designed by an entity with tangential knowledge of how a human was supposed to look. Upon further examination, Light discovered the reason for his doppleganger's slouch. Poor posture or not, this position seemed to be the only way the man could sit comfortably, given the bulge in his pants that wasn't as much a bulge as a cancerous mass of flesh the size of a portly dachshund. Upon reflection, the shape was similar too. Yeah, starting to realize who this guy is, and I can't say I like this.

Light asks who this guy is, and he replies, smugly dontchaknow, that he is Dark. Yup, the ridiculously ginormous penis was the giveaway, a sentence I, with a little luck, will never have to write again. Light and co react, as one would, with a mix of confusion and shock. L is the first one to say anything useful. "I never knew you had a twin, Light-kun" Light turned his head to glare at L, the glare turned into the sort of gaze that seemed to last just a little too long for comfort, wherein the two geniuses attempted to figure each other out. Buh... what? Anyway, Dark explains where it's at, I'll let the man sum it up for us. "For quite a while now, you might have noticed that you aren't quite yourselves." The man who called himself Dark explained. "Brother, you've been involved romantically with your rival, L, and Misa... well, you've moved on to a slightly more feminine member of the Yagami family, Father, I suppose, you've been kind of an asshole." Dark paused, allowing the fact to sink in. At this point, Light gives L a "dude, what the fuck"-look, and Misa seems that particular brand of ditzy outrage occasionally observed in the manga and Ryuk is scratching his head, huh, well, I guess people are back in character now, that's... a little jarring. MORE EXPOSITION! Dark chuckled, clearly amused by the shock, outrage and pure confusion amongst his audience. "Oh, and that's not even half of it, but let's not dally on the ways I have changed your life, and indeed your world, although I feel I must add, that this..." Dark held out a hand, showing a handful of ash and what looked like pieces of charred paper "is about as much of the original continuity as I could find."

At this point, L asks why do this... whatever this meta-fictional nightmare this thing is. Dark explains that he figured it'd hurt more if the Death Note crew, at least subconsciously, knew that something way out of their league was fucking with their very being for it's own amusement. "Also..." Dark added, whistfully inspecting the crystaline cube that appeared out of nowhere in his hand. "I always wanted to be a Magnificent Bastard" Light notices that they're starting to fade, his inteligence slowly fading with it, when our heroes have almost faded away, Light has one final line. "That's not your real form, is it?" Well, that's an odd question to make, but turns out he's right. Dark smiled, and his smile split further than it should be able to, his cheeks splitting open to an unearthly grin. Not content with this, his chin split vertically into a jointed maw with a sickening squelch before his skin errupted in

I just realized something about this fic The author is me. I'm not quite sure how, but somehow, it must be true. But if he is me, and I obviously am not him, then who am I, exactly? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I'm you.

The Horror... the horror

edited 2nd Nov '10 10:41:32 AM by slowzombie

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The author isn't you. You can make better OCs than him that's for sure.

The Crystal Caverns A bird's gotta sing.

Well played.

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

No Slowzombie You Are The Demons. And Then John Was a Zombie.

To Be Updated when I'm not Lazy

Soylent Green is SLOWZOMBIE!

You're an ad hominem attack!

We are all one collective Slowzombie.

I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology.

I was going to run a full parody, but I tried to parody this guy's style, and... it's kinda difficult to me for some reason, so I went the meta route instead. Don't think we'll see much Dark Yagami this month, since the author's apparently trying Na No Wri Mo, writing "A BOOK ABOUT A SEXY SPACE CHICK IN SPACE." Well, I'm ok with it, my November's busy anyway.

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You do realise that if the book about the hot chick in space ever comes to fruition, we'll all want you to Liveblog it, right Slowzombie?

The man was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the best at both killing and not killing - Stranger

How could I have spent this long on Tropes without knowing about the magnificence that is this liveblog? You, sir, are awarded the internet equivalent of a Medal of Honor for this brave task. Don't ever stop. Unless the story stops. And that would be bad.

I kind of want to see Slowzombie liveblog this.

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku