Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

Twilight will be the most awesome character to ever grace the fanfic.

All I can say is OH. DEAR. LORD.

^ ^, if you want to do a guest spot, or just share your take on a chapter, that's cool, but I'd appreciate if you'd ask first. 's no problem though.

Ok, it's time to Yagami again, folks, I'll get back to the second part of Pain Note next week some time, or whenever when I feel snarky. So yes, this chapter is called "The end is NOT near! GET TIT" Well, for the first part, that's very encouraging, as for the second... that's kinda what I'm trying to do whenever I'm not snarking about horrible horrible fanfics. That said, let's see what the author has to say: This chap is based on a film I saw! oh, that's... encouraging, yeah. Then again, if he rips of a movie, at least the basic idea will be better than the usual dreck. That said, let's boogie.

When we left our... ehm... heroes, they had been digitized and tracked down the nefarious Khaos, and they were about to do battle. What follows is an action scene, written in the tried and true Dark Yagami style. Dusk got out a machine gun and a rocket gun and splooshed them together to make a machine bakooka and a load of rockets came out. They had nuclears in them and everything in a million miles went bang like dragonballz! They were in the desert now and floating in the sky. You know, something like that could actually work in a Crazy Awesome show like TTGL, whereas in this fic, it doesn't really work, but it feels unfair to point it all out, since nothing really works in this fic.

Dusk also punches Khaos and punches him good, however, Khaos does... I'm not really sure. he ripped apart his clothes and he was all ripped and his blood had been replaced by lightning so it zapped and buzzed under his skin like a xmas tree! He did some rips and they were so big that a mountain exploded. ... yeah folks. Yeah. Apparently Dusk's power might be true, but Khaos' power is truer. That's... just awesome, really. Just awesome. Khaos also defeats Shadow, this being Digital!Light in case you forgot, quite easily, before Dusk, this being Digital!Dark, defeats Khaos without problems. Wow, that was like the corridor scene from Oldboy, only exactly the opposite.

So, some time later, and Khaos gets a funeral. Figures, he gets no character backstory or development, but he gets a funeral. Right. Well, Near approves,, since the coffin is made out of lego bricks. Oh, and he's fat due to the Debu Note, or the Fat Note, if you will. COMEDY! So, Dark modifies Khaos computer-deathnote into a Death Note iPad. Wow. Well, a word from the author Dark has an I pad cos hes a cool dude! I want one but my dads a lameeeeeee guy and got me a bike instead which suckkkkks You know, I used to be bothered by the insanely unsubtle wish fulfillment, but I find it... well, rather droll at this point. The Deathpad, as it is so inventively named at this point, also houses Dusk and Shadow, shadow apparently wasn't Light digitalized, but a separate being all together. What, consistency in MY Death Note badfic? It's less likely than you think.

Time skip time, folks. NOTHING HAPPENED FOR A BIT GUYS! THEY CANT ALWAYS HAVE AN EXITING LIVE SO IM SKIPPING LIKE A YEAR COS ALL THEY DID WAS GO TO SCHOOL AND KIRA DUDES AND THIS ONE TIME SOICHIRO HAD AN AFFAIR WITH THE DESK LADY AND LIGHTS MOM WAS REAL SAD SO SHE CHEETED ON HIM WITH WATARI AND NOW THERE EVEN Uhm... right, well, can't complain with that, heavens knows the last thing this fic needs is uninteresting filler, you know, I'd much rather read uninteresting canon stuff. Well, Light heads out to school, but as we know, Dark is too fantastically smart to need going to school, so he stays at home playing video games. Night is, one assumes, also just as smart, because she doesn't go to school, instead, she keeps working on a machine, a time machine.

No wait, that's wrong, she's building something like a time machine, which allows people to enter other people's dreams, just like in "13th of Friday" Hey author, your troll is showing again, but ok. That's it, back to school, where Light is disappointed to learn that they are not to learn about any exciting chemicals, which is to say any chemical that you can make a bomb out of. Near is excited, but Light falls asleep. Oh gee, I sure wonder where this is going. So, in his dreams, Light has sex with Misa and The Girl from The buss. The latter was made bisexual by the Everything Note, a fact the author retcons in because he likes bisexuals. Well, ok then. But suddenly! Plot! This time he dreamed khoas was watching. Then he realised it wasn't a dream! Or it was! But khoas wasn't a dream! He was real in lights dream! AND HE HAD A ROPE. Uhm... ok then, rope, that sounds... bad.

Light wakes up... except it's not Light, it's Khaos, who has abducted Light and now has his body. Take it away, author. SORRY GUYS I JUST LOVE CLIFFHANGERS SOZ! DON'T FORGET MY TWITTER REALDARKYAGAMI! Well, it's not the thing I'd chose to apologize for. Also, I'm kind of glad that I don't have a twitter, because I don't think I'd be able to resist the temptation to contact this guy, and I think it's better for everyone that I don't, troll or no.

Did I know we have a Dark Yagami drinking game? I actually kinda want to do that now.

Well there is one now... Haven did you make it?

Did I know we have a Dark Yagami drinking game? I actually kinda want to do that now.

Do you have a death wish?

edited 1st Jun '10 7:51:54 PM by Neo_Crimson

The opposite, I want to live a little.

^^ I was asking (rhetorically, I guess, unless I've previously remarked on it) if I had come across it before or not. But I didn't make it, no.

edited 1st Jun '10 8:04:05 PM by Haven

^^^ I thought Marky was asking you if you just recently played that drinking game and survived it. Lolreading.

..... Uhhhhhh I was going to say something and I forgot what it was.

Oh, that reminds me, anyone recognize what movie the author might have seen to inspire him to this particular... uh... masterpiece? I can't say I recognize anything

I didn't recognize it either. Did he use the film for the entire chapter or only certain pieces? That's what I'm trying to get. The fight scene looks based on something. ...

What's more frightening: The possibility that any part (or all) of the chapter could be based on a film the author saw, or the possibility of that being bullshit meaning the chapter was made of the author's "creative genius"?

edited 2nd Jun '10 10:41:30 AM by ^_^

There's the whole "Just like Friday the Thirteenth!" thing. I guess that could be what he was referring to. Though he wouldn't need to go "This chapter was based on a film... (five paragraphs later) This bit was based on Friday 13th!"

Oh yeah, I guess that's true, except that'd be A Nightmare On Elm Street, what with the dream stuff and what have you, but... yes, that's probably what motivated the author perpetrator in this case.

New chapter. Everyone is rather blasé in this one, about everything; maybe they were right to be since the important thing is that Soichiro got McDonald's, I guess.

How many chapters does this fic have?

33 chapters... and growing. That's the scary part. Well, it's a mite late for me now, but I'll cover chapter 33 tomorrow. Meanwhile, if someone would like to do some snarking by themselves, the rest of Pain Note and that other EU fic is up for grabs.

33, but they're all pretty short (especially as it goes on).

Slowja'd.

edited 21st Jun '10 2:37:50 PM by Haven

Thiis has an extended universe?! P

I think I might try that other EU fic. But not tonight, as I am tired.

Allright y'all, the collar that threatens to detonate whenever a chapter of this fic goes unsnarked for long started beeping omniously today, so I figure it's about time to give chapter 33 a go, huh? This chapter is called "Soichoro goes to McDs" I'd say this title promises dullness, but I know (vaguely) what horrors lurk beyond the title Cloud Mows The Lawn, so I'm making no promises vis-a-vis how much this will go Ivan Drago on your mind. Author's notes. AN HEY DUDES. Im back! This chap was going to have a time machine but they are to gross so theres a magic back to the future 3 train instead how are time machines, that are not time machines but rather dream machines, natch, gross exactly? Well, except the possible intrusion into the wonderful world of wet dreams, that is? But ok, a magical time-traveling train instead. Right. This is going to be swell

The chapter opens like so. A train full of nuclears and chemicals and bombs and lions zoomed towards lights city at like the speed of lightening I'd personally have added bears instead, but the lions are admittedly a nice touch. The author goes on to tell us to keep this train in mind, since it's not important now, but will be important later. I like how he tells us that, not like we can infer that this object will indeed be important later. Back at school, Light, possessed by Khaos due to... a dream something-or-other. I guess I'll just call him K!Light to avoid confusion. You know, more confusion. K!light hoards mashed potatoes and hotdogs in the cafeteria and makes a model of himself OUT OF PROTATOS! I just realized something, I do not imagine these fanfic characters as at all similar to their canon counterparts any more. I'm not sure when that happened, but onwards, what is this devious plan of K's?

He dresses the spud clone up in his own close, covering his privates with his "hate," before sending the copy of himself to class. I'm not even going to question how the hell that's supposed to work, but I will say as much: It does say something when any main character can be replaced with mashed potatoes without anyone noticing. K!Light does a potentially lethal escape from the bathroom and makes off. Meanwhile, Soichiro is at the police station, but nobody does anything wrong, since they're afraid of Kira. I hate to get into that debate, but it shows that the author's view on justice and crime matches that of the ACTUAL Light, which I personally consider not a good thing. Enough about that, though, as Soichiro goes to the batcave to MacDonalds, grumbling about how Kira is a douche. Then again, douchebags get a bad rap

All seems boring well, until the almost naked K!Light comes wandering. Soichiro wants to know what his son is doing out there in the blizzard in his birthday suit, the author helpfully chimes in with AN I mean in the fic I know its not in real life cos its summer! And its all sunny and like a hunded degrees but I am a writer! And writers are allowed to make stuff up like the whether sometimes Dude, you write a fanfiction in a universe where notebooks kill people, there are penises big enough to be legally considered blunt weapons, and throwing knifes makes things explode, the weather is not your biggest problem. Of course, to which degree this 'fella is a writer or a serial keyboard abuser can be discussed. Anyway, K!light ends up confessing that he's railing some chick in an alley nearby, and because of that is naked. Soichiro thinks "Light" is much cooler now. So, he's noticably cooler as a exhibitionistic heterosexual than as a homosexual. I'd call for Unfortunate Implications, but it's not the first time, let's just grit our teeth and move on, huh?

K!Light and Soichiro hugs, but before we go anywhere that actually matters or see anything that... you know, matters, K!Light has a question. "If I wanted to buy the world how much would it cost." Well, that certainly reminds me of my current day job, but ''no matter, Soichiro replies that it'd take at least Like a trillion dollars! plus tax! Well, I guess we can add economics to yet another thing the author does not understand. Oh, but it gets better, because a man in a time travel suit, like the one Shakespeare's shinigami used (again, writing that just feels weird) speaks up. I'm just going to quote this."I am a time banker and I listened to what you said. Did you know that money cost less in the past?" "NO!" "It did! The world might cost a tillion dollars toady but in shakespeers day you could by it for a dime cos there were ony ten pennys in the hole world!" "OMG!" "But don't trie it cos the time police watch all the time machines in the world so noone can do it." "All the tim machines?" light asked getting all up in the bank dudes grill. "Except for time trains cos they don't watch them for some reason."

...

I... just... yeah. So K is going to buy the world in the past, with the help of a time train. You could say his plan was to take over the world... OF COURSE! On said train, I think, the author's kind of not doing me any favors, the whole thing is hijacked by a person in unconvincing drag. It's Mello! Wait, I forget, but didn't he die for the third time or something like that a while ago and was not mentioned again? Well, he plans to take revenge. Spiffy.

The next part is... not all that fun, so I'll give you the short version. Mello goes to the future, doesn't go far enough, goes farther and gathers notes about how he's to defeat Dark, however, once he gets back to the train, he gets jumped by Khaos, if this is in Light's body or not, I'm not sure. Anyway, K shoves a sleeping pill down Mello's nose, and we get a dream sequence. Yay.

Mello dreamed he was in his underpants in the street and noone noticed but he was dead scared in case they did and saw his man thing. Then he bought a castle and sexed with a sexy princess."That was good sexing" he said after tipping a billion tones of chocolate into his mouth and crunching it up with a crunch. Then he looked at the princess. SHE WAS KHAOS! AND SHE HAD A ROPE! Uh, this fic just Rule 63'd itself. Speaking of which, I'm wondering if there's any rule 34 of this fic. I kind of do not want to know, though.

Anyway, K now has two bodies and a time-traveling train, and he's going to Shakespeare's time. The author closes off with this. WOW! THAT WAS EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN I FORT IT WOULD BE! CHECK IT OUT NEXT TIME! Yes, I just can't wait to see more failsome attempts of Shakespearian writing and... well, time travel, because that's always fun.

edited 22nd Jun '10 1:47:40 PM by slowzombie

Then he bought a castle and sexed with a sexy princess."That was good sexing"

Man, that sexing sure was pretty sexy...

I love how Mello's disguise as a woman involved wearing a false beard and moustache. He's so girly looking anyway that he probably could have passed as a woman in his regular clothes, but he insists on wearing a false beard and moustache.

Umm... This guy is a troll, right?

Oh yeah, absolutely

I figured. For some reason, it feels obvious, unlike My Immortal.

Ironicly, it's hard to write good bad fanfiction.