A lot's happened since I was gone

All of it is bad.

I like my part time job. Except for the fact that it doesn't pay enough. The store isn't even open eight hours a day, so I can't ask for full time. I'm looking for a full time position, which is exhausting and really humiliating.

I need to move again by May 31. A friend has agreed to be my roommate, but we've got no place lined up for now. I'm not sure if I will have enough money for a deposit.

My father died of lung cancer. I don't feel sorry for him. It's actually a relief, considering all the problems he's caused for myself and my family. I am still not talking to my mother and I don't see that changing because I can't even go to the old house to visit my sister without feeling panicked.

I started showing disassociation, flashbacks, hyperarousal, and avoidance. My therapist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder. High functioning, but still. I wouldn't be nearly so worried about this if I could afford proper treatment. I can barely afford therapy once a week, which is already less than my teacher suggested.

Acting school would be going great, except for how I've got a mental illness which directly affects my ability to learn, and I can't afford enough treatment for it. Also, I have two forms of financial aid, but my finances are still severely strained.

I've also lost ten pounds due to not eating enough. Whenever I think about spending more, I start to panic, so I don't. I know it's not healthy but I can't help it.

In short: My life is terrible, I think I'm failing as an adult, and I have no support system in place. Advice or sympathy would be appreciated right now.

edited 10th Apr '15 9:58:58 PM by Leradny

{Lerad}

I'd treat you to lunch next time I visit my grandfather, but that's not likely to be until well after Thanksgiving, if not next year. So I'll have to stick with wishing you luck and healing.

That is really tough Lerad. You may find it easier to find a second part time job to fill in the gaps. I needed to do that very thing for a while to make ends meet. I know you don't want to hear this but if push comes to shove you may have to ditch the acting classes so you have time to work.

Before my wife and I were even engaged we went through a year where we were forced to choose between paying bills and eating food. Things got bad enough I was snatching food out of the fridges on cleaning day or out of the trash so we could eat for a few days.

It really sucks to be on your knees like that but you can make it. It is gonna hurt a bit and your going to have some long days but you can make it. Hang tough with what you got and do your best to push through.

edited 11th Apr '15 11:26:08 AM by TuefelHundenIV

Oh, I'm not dropping the classes. They're in the evening and stable, so they won't interfere with a full time day job.

The part time job is killing me—my shifts are smack in the middle of the day, and the schedule changes every week, so I can't just get another part time job to fill in the gaps.

Also, the manager messed up and gave me a check which literally had $0 printed on the amount because my hours were entered but the pay rate wasn't. I brought it in saying 'I understand mistakes happen,' and received the answer, "Oh, I didn't make a mistake, I just forgot." I almost lost $300. So, I'm dropping that job for a full time position as soon as possible.

That is a crappy work schedule. Does not sound like anyone I would want to work for. Especially after the paycheck snafu.

I have no advice, but goddamned if you don't have sympathy. -sympathizes-

Same. Sorry to hear that, Ler.

Lera: damn, I'm sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, I'm rooting for ya. You can do it. You're tougher than what life throws at ya. Hang in there, you can do this.

I just interviewed at a bakery with a cafe and I feel cautiously optimistic. It's very upscale and staffed by a bunch of young women. While I'd be training part time, the hours are much better, I'd still get twice as as many hours than right now, and I could increase to full-time. As well as get a raise once training is done. And they were very pleased that I already had a year's experience at a kitchen, and that I would be willing to get there at 6AM.

I'm not going to lie, I'm surprised that I spent just one month at the job I have now. My stress levels have been through the roof.

So, really hoping for this job. Small victories are still victories.

Sounds promising.

Baking has its upsides: there is always dough that could use a good pummel as a stress outlet.

I hope you get it. <hugs>

I don't know you, but that's some pretty tough crap you're going trough. Hope things go well for you.

Also: you're looking for a job, you're taking care of yourself by still going to your therapist as much as you can, and you're pursuing your interests by not giving up on acting lessons. So I guess you're doing pretty much the opposite of "failing as an adult".

Thanks, guys.

My therapist updated me, since I was pretty surprised. It's a provisional diagnosis. I mean, it's unlikely that it will change. But still, it's not official yet.

She also told me that since I'd been suffering from really severe insomnia, appetite problems, constant anxiety over work and school and getting a place to live, and getting fatigued too easily for more than two weeks, I might need to see a doctor and get some antidepressants.

I have no energy for that, so I'm going to try sleeping and eating more.

My resolve to quit asap has redoubled. One of my teachers had to change a six-week class to Saturdays, staring with this one.

I told my boss, with an apology, and got a huge lecture on how I didn't seem committed to being at work. I was already stressed, and I thought I was going to get fired right there, so I ended up crying in front of the other staff.

My boss then said "I have no idea why you're crying when I just told the truth, but I'll let you know I feel like a huge monster." Because overreacting to an unavoidable schedule change enough to make someone cry is so tragic.

The other staff was much nicer, but also sent up red flags. While no one's outright cried, this sort of hugely uncomfortable confrontation is apparently normal.

The other job put me through to the second round, so I don't think getting that one will be a problem. My interview's tomorrow, so I'm going to get as much sleep as I can.

I just had the interview. I ended up meeting a different person, but they asked the exact same questions with maybe a few specifics tagged on, and I felt a little weird.

Melatonin's kicking in. I just really hope I get a good phone call or email in a few days. If I don't, I know I'll just have to start looking again, but getting this far just to get rejected at the last second will suck.

What the hell is wrong with those people? Employers giving lectures on the "lack of commitment" to any shitty boring job they're offering are ridiculous. I mean, why are they treating themselves and their businesses like something goddamn wonder of the world?!

Lerad: Your boss sounds like a glaring Type A prick. Typical of the breed not trustworthy and abusive in one way or another. She sounds like a typical bully really. Hang in there and do your best to keep your chin up around your boss until you are out.

Not So: Because some business owners are entitled. They think because they run a business they can do or say whatever the want and treat people how they see fit. Nothing new in the US really. Google a US business called "Crazy Amy's Baking Company" for a glaring example.

edited 18th Apr '15 1:12:58 PM by TuefelHundenIV

Longcoat: Like I said, there isn't even a possibility for full time at this place. The shifts are four hours. It's literally just a side job. And it's so disorganized that I've been in training for over a month.

I applied for another job because I was overwhelmed with panic thinking that I might not get the one I was just talking about. Receptionist at an arts studio. Couldn't hurt.

Tuef: I'm actually familiar with that. This boss is... much, much less so, but I definitely do see shades of it (yelling at people for asking a simple question vs yelling at someone for an unavoidable and relatively minor schedule change). They haven't scheduled me for more than a few days next week, so I can keep my chin up for that long.

And interesting fact: My therapist actually told me that I am too young to be worrying this much. My life consists of studying, working, looking for more work, looking for apartments, and trying not to panic, which is really unbalanced and it's wearing me out.

I've thought about all the fun things I could do, and I've decided I'm heading to a regional park. I don't know what for, but it'll be fun.

edited 18th Apr '15 1:30:54 PM by Leradny

Chocolate needs to sneak in at some point... It's even good for depression.

Well, it is. Stop with accusing looks. (Yeah, so I neglected to point out that the more bitter, the more likely it'll work. But, meh. Chocolate. )

Your therapist is a funny guy. How much did he bill you for? Because he's clearly taking the piss and being completely out of touch with reality!

Eudia: I've been craving chocolate like mad but keeping it to a minimum. And I've been buying dark or bitter chocolate, too.

Badass: I'm at a sliding scale clinic, and I pay the lowest possible fee (still $100 a month, but anyway). The point isn't that I've been worrying at all, it's that I worry to the point of insomnia because I've been sending out applications or rehashing my budget instead of sleeping. And, trying to pay attention at school or work is ridiculously difficult on 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

Yes, but my point is not that you worry to the point of insomnia. What I'm saying is that the therapist apparently has no idea how bad young people have it these days: they're busting their asses in a hostile environment, constantly hear how "lazy" and "entitled" they are and put up with "when I was your age" bullshit that isn't even remotely close to the condition of today's world.

Ahhhhhh. Well, that isn't... wrong. My therapist did suggest that I live alone, and when I said I couldn't do without at least one roommate, asked if the housing market was really that bad.

I've decided not to go to the park today because it's fricking cold. But I'm still going to relax. Except for doing my voice exercises and memorizing my lines.

edited 19th Apr '15 2:14:11 PM by Leradny

Hope you have an awesome day today Leradny!