BaronofBarons
Perpetual Noob
Since: Oct, 2009
Perpetual Noob
#2: May 20th 2012 at 6:49:43 PM
oh also his dad is some dude and his mom is a goddess who bangs him SO HARD
that Gilgamesh is TWO THIRDS GOD AND ONE THIRD HUMAN
THAT’S RIGHT
they do the wango bango with SUCH FURIOUS DEDICATION
THAT THEY DESTROY MATH
edited 20th May '12 6:50:05 PM by BaronofBarons
I put on my robe and tinfoil hat...
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
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#3: May 21st 2012 at 11:40:06 AM
and there’s Baba Yaga
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HER
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH
Dat Troper
#4: May 29th 2012 at 10:12:01 AM
so the moral of the story is
taking candy from a baby is easy
i do it all the time
but taking porridge from a bear baby?
TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT
taking candy from a baby is easy
i do it all the time
but taking porridge from a bear baby?
TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT
edited 29th May '12 10:12:54 AM by spasticgecko
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#5: May 29th 2012 at 12:16:12 PM
but instead of building a helicopter like I would have
he starts having these fancy prancy dreams
about riding nancy boy sky ponies
and then athena comes to him in a dream
all like HEY PRETTY SUNSHINE TAKE THIS GOLDEN PRETTY PONY BRIDLE
and bellerophon is like OH MAN IT IS SO PRETTY
I AM GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS
he starts having these fancy prancy dreams
about riding nancy boy sky ponies
and then athena comes to him in a dream
all like HEY PRETTY SUNSHINE TAKE THIS GOLDEN PRETTY PONY BRIDLE
and bellerophon is like OH MAN IT IS SO PRETTY
I AM GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS
Sparkysharps
Since: Jan, 2001
#6: May 29th 2012 at 9:00:39 PM
so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME
edited 29th May '12 9:02:13 PM by Sparkysharps
#7: May 29th 2012 at 9:14:10 PM
Justice writes this stuff better. This reads like Axe Cop.
edited 29th May '12 9:14:53 PM by TParadox
Fresh-eyed movie blog
dRoy
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
from Most likely from my study
Since: May, 2010
Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#8: May 29th 2012 at 9:40:21 PM
OP's video is just glorious.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#9: May 30th 2012 at 5:05:08 PM
![[lol]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/lol2v12_4863.png "[lol]")
because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how fuck over Horus
and he comes up with an AMAZING PLAN
he’s like I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem
HEY HORUS WHAT’S UP WANNA HAVE SEX?
and Horus is like well normally i would say no
but today i am an idiot so ok sure
and they have a bunch of sweaty buttsex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to AUTOPARRY ALL OF SET’S MANBATTER
he just jams his hand down and BLOCKS ALL THE FUNBUTTER
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt
and he comes up with an AMAZING PLAN
he’s like I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem
HEY HORUS WHAT’S UP WANNA HAVE SEX?
and Horus is like well normally i would say no
but today i am an idiot so ok sure
and they have a bunch of sweaty buttsex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to AUTOPARRY ALL OF SET’S MANBATTER
he just jams his hand down and BLOCKS ALL THE FUNBUTTER
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt
and Set is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
and everyone else is like wow
this is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone
PERFECT
and everyone else is like wow
this is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone
PERFECT
so Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
first of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone
and second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case i understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the guy who ate some dude’s balls and then poisoned his baby
so i feel like honesty is not top of his priority list
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
first of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone
and second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case i understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the guy who ate some dude’s balls and then poisoned his baby
so i feel like honesty is not top of his priority list
(Ahh Egyptian Mythology, how I love thee)
edited 30th May '12 5:13:53 PM by PippingFool
I'm having to learn to pay the price
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#10: May 30th 2012 at 5:20:43 PM
Merlin, Merlin, Merlin...
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO
ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO
ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
edited 30th May '12 5:21:04 PM by Blueeyedrat
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#11: May 30th 2012 at 6:22:55 PM
Anyway: SCORPIONS!
and in fact so is this super wise dude thoth
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok
isis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some town
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?
so everybody goes over to the poor chick’s place
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is
so isis hears all this commotion
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
And SUNBOATS
and isis is like this is what now
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about
edited 30th May '12 6:24:43 PM by PippingFool
I'm having to learn to pay the price
dRoy
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
from Most likely from my study
Since: May, 2010
Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#12: May 31st 2012 at 3:55:41 AM
This guy deserves a trope page.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#13: May 31st 2012 at 6:16:18 AM
This is Badass Of The Week prose right here.
I'm having to learn to pay the price
Sparkysharps
Since: Jan, 2001
#14: May 31st 2012 at 10:49:34 AM
And freyja is like sure man
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me\\ that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me\\ that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
and then Loki gets jealous of how pretty thor is
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends
so the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing
edited 31st May '12 10:49:49 AM by Sparkysharps
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#15: May 31st 2012 at 5:27:32 PM
so he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like sup gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why
I'm having to learn to pay the price
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why
chihuahua0
Since: Jul, 2010
#16: May 31st 2012 at 5:45:05 PM
Has he done that one story about Loki and his horse son?
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#17: May 31st 2012 at 7:53:27 PM
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
You mean:
so loki is like shiiiiit
i’m a pussy
I can’t stop a giant
but WAIT!
I can conquer his horse!
WITH SEX!
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
i’m a pussy
I can’t stop a giant
but WAIT!
I can conquer his horse!
WITH SEX!
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
edited 31st May '12 7:56:43 PM by PippingFool
I'm having to learn to pay the price
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#18: Jun 12th 2012 at 7:07:31 PM
which brings us back to the age old question
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#19: Jul 6th 2012 at 2:03:58 PM
Oh god, he did Star Wars. All
three episodes.
Okay so way back in the day
in a galaxy that is way the fuck out there
there is a big empty chunk of space
with a bunch of words flying through it
in a galaxy that is way the fuck out there
there is a big empty chunk of space
with a bunch of words flying through it
WOW
OBI WAN IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST INFLUENCE.
HE’S LIKE THIS CRAZY HOBO WIZARD
WHO JUST HITS UP YOUNG MEN AND HANDS THEM LASER SWORDS AND RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE
OBI WAN IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST INFLUENCE.
HE’S LIKE THIS CRAZY HOBO WIZARD
WHO JUST HITS UP YOUNG MEN AND HANDS THEM LASER SWORDS AND RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE
if there was a dickhead olympics
this guy would not be the gold medalist
he would not be the silver medalist
he would not be the bronze medalist
no,
if there were a dickhead Olympics
Han Solo would not even be in the competition
because someone would have ground him up and made him into DICKHEAD STEROIDS
this guy would not be the gold medalist
he would not be the silver medalist
he would not be the bronze medalist
no,
if there were a dickhead Olympics
Han Solo would not even be in the competition
because someone would have ground him up and made him into DICKHEAD STEROIDS
Some people say it’s stupid that the death star has this weakness
but I think if you build a spaceship the size of a planet
you’re doing pretty good
if you can get your crucial structural flaws down to ONE METER SQUARE.
but I think if you build a spaceship the size of a planet
you’re doing pretty good
if you can get your crucial structural flaws down to ONE METER SQUARE.
but then Vader’s mask comes off and it’s actually LUKE’S OWN FACE
OHHHHH NOOOOOO LUKE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
YOU CUT OFF YOUR FACE WITH A LASER SWORD
oh no wait it was just a hallucination or something
OHHHHH NOOOOOO LUKE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
YOU CUT OFF YOUR FACE WITH A LASER SWORD
oh no wait it was just a hallucination or something
MEANWHILE IN CLOUD CITY
Han Solo has landed at the home base of his old bro LANDO CALRIZZIAN
who so far wins best name in Star Wars.
Lando is an ex-smuggler/gambler
who has risen to the position of pimpmaster general of the mining operation on cloud city
I am not sure what they mine way the fuck up there
but it must be something good
because Lando has a sweet cape and an army of cyborg soldiers
and he is hitting on Leia so hard I am surprised she does not have a concussion.
Also C3PO makes himself useful
by immediately wandering off and getting exploded.
Han Solo has landed at the home base of his old bro LANDO CALRIZZIAN
who so far wins best name in Star Wars.
Lando is an ex-smuggler/gambler
who has risen to the position of pimpmaster general of the mining operation on cloud city
I am not sure what they mine way the fuck up there
but it must be something good
because Lando has a sweet cape and an army of cyborg soldiers
and he is hitting on Leia so hard I am surprised she does not have a concussion.
Also C3PO makes himself useful
by immediately wandering off and getting exploded.
"But hey, come on
let’s go rule the galaxy together as father and son.
I can get you a sweet new robot hand
and you can have one of these weird masks too if you want
and we can get James Earl Jones to do your voiceover.
It’ll be great."
let’s go rule the galaxy together as father and son.
I can get you a sweet new robot hand
and you can have one of these weird masks too if you want
and we can get James Earl Jones to do your voiceover.
It’ll be great."
And Luke is like "You know, actually I’m a little bit hurt
that all this time
my dad has been emperor of the galaxy
and yet you never bothered to call or write or anything.
We live in an era of faster than light travel.
What the fuck is wrong with you?"
that all this time
my dad has been emperor of the galaxy
and yet you never bothered to call or write or anything.
We live in an era of faster than light travel.
What the fuck is wrong with you?"
seriously, has this guy not heard of lasers?
They are a safe and effective way to murder people
they do not require feeding or cleaning up after
they really are the way of the future!
They are a safe and effective way to murder people
they do not require feeding or cleaning up after
they really are the way of the future!
yeah that’s right, guys
for those of you with doubts about whether Star Wars qualifies as a myth
in the space of one scene we just got:
"Kill your father
and that chick you’re trying to bang is your sister"
INCEST AND PATRICIDE
TWO GREAT TASTES THAT DISSOLVE ENTIRE FAMILIES
WELCOME TO THE CANON, GEORGE LUCAS
for those of you with doubts about whether Star Wars qualifies as a myth
in the space of one scene we just got:
"Kill your father
and that chick you’re trying to bang is your sister"
INCEST AND PATRICIDE
TWO GREAT TASTES THAT DISSOLVE ENTIRE FAMILIES
WELCOME TO THE CANON, GEORGE LUCAS
So Lando Calrizzian
whose name has become no less awesome since last episode
volunteers to go blow up the death star
and Han Solo volunteers to go blow up the shield generator
and Princess Leia is like "I will go with you and then we can make out some more"
and Chewbacca is like "GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"
and Luke busts in like "AND MY AXE"
whose name has become no less awesome since last episode
volunteers to go blow up the death star
and Han Solo volunteers to go blow up the shield generator
and Princess Leia is like "I will go with you and then we can make out some more"
and Chewbacca is like "GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"
and Luke busts in like "AND MY AXE"
"Do you realize that you are the only female character in this whole trilogy?"
And Leia’s like "Well that’s not true!
What about that green slave girl from Jabba’s place?"
and Luke is like "THEY DROPPED HER INTO THE RANCOR PIT, LEIA.
SHE WAS SO HOT AND GREEN AND THEY FED HER TO THE FUCKING RANCOR."
And Leia’s like "Well that’s not true!
What about that green slave girl from Jabba’s place?"
and Luke is like "THEY DROPPED HER INTO THE RANCOR PIT, LEIA.
SHE WAS SO HOT AND GREEN AND THEY FED HER TO THE FUCKING RANCOR."
Just a thought, but if you are trying to convert someone to the dark side
a good up-front selling point might be "hey:
it lets you shoot FUCKING LIGHTNING OUT OF YOUR HANDS"
a good up-front selling point might be "hey:
it lets you shoot FUCKING LIGHTNING OUT OF YOUR HANDS"
so I guess after all that
the moral of the story has to be
that if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a space opera
try to be the protagonist
it’s a pretty sweet deal.
the moral of the story has to be
that if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a space opera
try to be the protagonist
it’s a pretty sweet deal.
edited 6th Jul '12 2:06:22 PM by Blueeyedrat
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#20: Sep 16th 2012 at 12:12:31 PM
So many updates, so little time:
it turns out that PTSD actually stands for PARTY TIL SUN-DOWN
(to forget the innumerable horrors of war)
(to forget the innumerable horrors of war)
THOSE PILLS ARE POISON
ALLOW ME TO PROVE IT
then he poisons his landlady’s dog to death with them.
SHIT YEAH, CONSULTING DETECTIVE.
ALLOW ME TO PROVE IT
then he poisons his landlady’s dog to death with them.
SHIT YEAH, CONSULTING DETECTIVE.
ANTIGONE: BOO HOO MY FAMILY SUCKS
ANTIGONE is Oedipus’s daughter, so this is a pretty reasonable complaint
ANTIGONE is Oedipus’s daughter, so this is a pretty reasonable complaint
Meanwhile, ANTIGONE gets buried alive in a pit or something.
ANTIGONE: I’M BEING BURIED IN A PIT AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
ANTIGONE: I’M BEING BURIED IN A PIT AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Robin Hood!
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES
David and Goliath!
Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.
in fact, I hear whoever kills goliath gets a bunch of sweet prizes
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.
So david goes out to fight Goliath
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
so the moral of the story
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.
PippingFool
Eclipse the Moon
from A Floridian Prison
Since: Oct, 2009
Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#21: Sep 16th 2012 at 4:17:59 PM
but we had a deal, dude
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
This guy is awesome.
edited 16th Sep '12 4:23:09 PM by PippingFool
I'm having to learn to pay the price
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#22: Sep 22nd 2012 at 10:11:00 AM
cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.
[Today's Jo Jo]
#23: Sep 26th 2012 at 9:54:40 AM
Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.
edited 26th Sep '12 9:55:04 AM by T-bone61
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#24: Oct 17th 2012 at 9:28:18 AM
edited 17th Oct '12 9:28:38 AM by Blueeyedrat
Blueeyedrat
Since: Oct, 2010
#25: Nov 15th 2012 at 9:35:58 AM
Now for those of you who think they don’t make myths like they used to
I offer you one compelling counterexample.
This counterexample is named
ELVIS PRESLEY.
I offer you one compelling counterexample.
This counterexample is named
ELVIS PRESLEY.
I mean, granted, he didn’t start out too great.
Like, his family is super poor
and if I had a nickel for every person who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
Well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
but I’d at least have a little beer money, if you know what I mean.
Like, his family is super poor
and if I had a nickel for every person who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
Well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
but I’d at least have a little beer money, if you know what I mean.
but then DISASTER STRIKES:
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the US ARMY.
But he’s fine with that, because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the US ARMY.
But he’s fine with that, because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
Also, Elvis likes to sit in the basement and watch three TVs at once
and then change the channel by shooting the TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS IS PERHAPS THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.
and then change the channel by shooting the TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS IS PERHAPS THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.
So after selling over seventy-five million records
and topping even more charts with his albums than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
and topping even more charts with his albums than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
So you remember Hercules, right?
You remember how he died, after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
in space.
You remember how he died, after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
in space.
edited 15th Nov '12 9:36:30 AM by Blueeyedrat
Total posts: 36
Also known as, "What if you let a manic guy who clearly needs to go back on his meds summarize just about every myth ever (along with a bunch of classic fiction)?"
The answer is awesome
Celtic mythology!
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
Sumerian mythology!
gilgamesh is such an unbelievable badass
he cannot comprehend how people can be ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE IS
so he makes all the dudes in the city he is king of
constantly do feats of strength and shit
and they all get really tired and cranky
and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets to fuck everyone’s wives
THE BEST KING
Cthulhu Mythos!
Cthulu is like O HAI THER
and come lumbering out
along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity
two great things that go great together
and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu
another dude falls into a hole on the structure
that is only there
because the dude who built this shit
was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT
that he BROKE GEOMETRY
Or, if you want your religious mythos narrated by an inexplicably shirtless dude in silly hats, the Bible!
edited 29th May '12 9:02:51 PM by Sparkysharps