Lost in Space
Way back in my newbie DM days with 2nd edition Dungeons And Dragons, one of my friends was playing a Chaotic Stupid fighter-type. For some reason (i.e., he was insane), he liked to cut off the heads of all the creatures he had killed and keep them in a sack that he carried around with his various possessions. You all know where this is going, right? I got my revenge on him when he decided to open the sack to "take a look inside". He failed the required Constitution check and a Vomit Indiscretion Shot ensued.
"It's Occam's Shuriken! If the answer is elusive, never rule out ninjas!"
Oh man, my old group told me they used to play with someone with a similar collecting hobby, and an annoying tendency to split the team, and acting out of turn to cause all kinds of stupid situations.
The guy also was apprently somewhat averse to the consept of showering.
"What kind of pets do elves keep?" - Dan
"Tigers!" - Steve
"Cats." - Jon (DM)
"Okay. [pause] I turn into a manta ray." - Dan
One of our group members was thinking of a name for his dog while another one and I were trying to come up with a name for our boat:
Me: How about...
Friend 1: Bill!
Me: *laughs* YES! We are calling our boat Bill!
Friend 2: Bill, Terror of the Seas.
edited 18th Aug '09 5:10:46 PM by Magus
Yakka Foob Mog
A friend of mine once tried to use the N Wo D system to create a Bleach-themed campaign. I joined late in what would become a one-shot introductory scene as Artie, the pathologically lying bount with just about the most badass doll on the planet. Also, since I knew very little about the series, it seemed fitting that Artie should be equally clueless.
Artie had gotten separated from his group and was lost in the Soul Society.
- Artie: (to random wandering ghost) Hey, you know how to get outta here?
- Ghost: No idea, sorry
- Me: I beat the crap out of him
Repaeat this "checklist" method of interrogation until low-ranking soul reaper swings by on patrol.
- Soul Reaper: Hey, you down there. have you seen a guy running around beating up innocent souls?
- Artie: Umm, yeah, he went... that way.
- Soul Reaper: Hm, okay then...
- Artie: Wait! I'm trying to figure out how to get back to Earth. I'm not a ghost.
- Soul Reaper: What? Well, I'll be back to help you out after I take care of this.
Artie summons his doll to stop the soul reaper. Doll uses too much force and knocks him out cold. Some time later...
- Soul Reaper: Wh... Wha happ'n?
- Artie: You were... drinking on the job, see... and you... tripped... on some ectoplasm.
Over the course of this conversation, Artie has his doll knock out the soul reaper several times just to realize there's something else he needs from him in order to get out of the Society. Finally, just before stepping through the gate back to the mortal world...
- Artie: Maybe next time I swing this way, I'll bring back some duty free booze and split it with ya.
- SR: (Now more than a little punch drunk) Yeah! That'd be great!
- Artie: Oh, one more thing before I go. HEY, DRUNK GUY! LOOK OUT FOR THAT ECTOPLASM! (signals for doll to knock him out again)
Apparently the poor soul reaper didn't survive that final blow.
Sadly, I haven't been in contact with that particular friend in a while due to a falling out he had with my group involving a bad breakup. It was great to have a Game Master who could take my wackier moments in stride.
edited 18th Aug '09 6:09:53 PM by darnpenguin
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
Planescape Hijack
^ I lol'd.
I have a few good ones.
- When DMing for my little brother, he was ambushed by some cultists who asked "Are you a believer or an unbeliever?" He hesitated and then answered "I am...not a beaver..."
- In a Mutants And Masterminds play-by-post, one character was playing a guy who had chemical transmutation powers (including on himself). We needed to break into a building, so he planned to turn himself into titanium bust in through the wall a la the Kool-Aid Guy. Unfortunately, the building was reinforced, so he jumped into the wall, dented it slightly, then turned it into cardboard and walked through. It was slightly less dramatic.
- And then there was the time where the leader of that team mistook my character asking him to meet her on the roof as a romantic gesture...which I totally didn't expect, but which in hindsight makes sense, as my character had uncontrollable super-speed and his had uncontrollable mental quickness, meaning they were each one of the only people who could communicate with the other without feeling like the conversation was moving like molasses. Instead, she was pleading with him to help her save her family and friends from the supervillain Egopolis she'd grown up in—which also sucked because she was basically asking for their secret benefactors' help, and not his.
- Along those lines, in the OOC section of that game, the GM made a long post about how much it must suck for that guy to be hurt, since he'll be feeling even a little bit of it for subjective hours. So I quoted him but changed a few words so that it was talking about how much he loved cheesecake (i.e., "being shot must be pure agony because his neurons continue to send pain signals to his brain for way too long!" to "eating cheesecake must be pure bliss because his tongue continues to send mmmm signals to his brain for way too long!")
- And then there was the time where the leader of that team mistook my character asking him to meet her on the roof as a romantic gesture...which I totally didn't expect, but which in hindsight makes sense, as my character had uncontrollable super-speed and his had uncontrollable mental quickness, meaning they were each one of the only people who could communicate with the other without feeling like the conversation was moving like molasses. Instead, she was pleading with him to help her save her family and friends from the supervillain Egopolis she'd grown up in—which also sucked because she was basically asking for their secret benefactors' help, and not his.
- And then there's Galeros' game in our RP forum. My Kallen expy meets a Lelouch expy, who invites her to lunch. He casually mentions wanting to learn how to use mind-control, then gets embarrassed and makes a lame excuse to go to the bathroom—only for another PC, Black Humor's character, to Charm Person him. After that wears off, he comes back to the table without having gone to the bathroom, and asks how she likes her food.
So, yeah, it goes: "I want to make people my slaves! Whoops, excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom. OR NOT. Anyway! How's lunch?"
Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Another one from my archive: Blue Oni plays a British Rich Bitch named Mary (AKA Shirley Holmes), I play Megan. During the flight from London to NY:
Blue Oni: Does everyone talk that funny way in America?
Me: Y'know what?! Those guys from Brooklyn are REALLY hard to understand. I still don't know what that guy had in mind when he said I'm a Michigan head. How the fuck can I know what's a Michiganer kopf?!
Me: Life's a bitch.
Blue Oni: And then you die.
Me: And then, it's double bitch.
Megan totaled her '71 Mustang, crashed through the windshield and landed on a brick wall (do that with 13 dice in Drive. I fucking dare you.). She gets up, noticeably hurt and shaken, and all she managed to blurt out was:
"Well, sure as fuck it ain't my day."
And one courtesy of Blue Oni. She played a Mage The Ascension adventure in the next room while we were busy talking about things'n'stuff. One of the overheard dialogues:
Blue Oni (her character wasn't awakened yet): You call two guys sitting in the corner and smoking a joint "magic"?!
Ataman (playing one of the stoners): Did you ever smoke weed before?
Another scene from the same session, around midnight, Blue Oni fell asleep sitting, the GM speaks of the End Of The World happening before the characters' eyes, makes a dramatic pause. Total silence, and suddenly... The Blue Oni snores and gets awakened by a burst of laughter from EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. If I didn't mention that I love that girl yet... Well, I love her.
edited 24th Aug '09 2:18:32 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
"I insert the key into the door." - Dan
"It fits." - Whelan [DM]
"I twist the key." - Dan
"It clicks!" - Whelan
"I open the door." - Dan
"The door opens!" - Whelan
"Do I explode?" - Dan
"Yes!" - Whelan
Yakka Foob Mog
(do that with 13 dice in Drive. I fucking dare you.)Old World Of Darkness? I'd believe it. New World Of Darkness? ...I'd still believe it, with the luck some players in my group (myself included) tend to have.
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Today's distraction: talking about mutations in L 5 R. Somehow, it started with a really drunk and visibly corrupted witch hunter in a hot tub and ended up with references to Troma movies, tentacle hentai and what have you. Triggered by my line: "You know, the Taint makes a looooot of weird things to human body..."
Cue silliness.
edited 2nd Sep '09 10:15:02 AM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
The Sporking Parakeet
In a fourth edition game, my party which is a mix of crack, stumbled upon a group of guards. We were too far to attack them, and they weren't surprised. So, what do we do? We bluff our little hearts out by going "We're BARDS!" And immediately start singing -badly. Our bluff checks were awesome and myself (the fighter) and the cleric were able to badly dance ourselves up to them and SURPRISE attack.
Later we found ourselves in a group of evil elves that completely out matched us. So, what do we do? We pretend like we're a bunch of drunken bards -again with epic bluff checks- who've lost their way. The elves were kind enough to show us to the road.
The DM the goes, "I had an entire encounter planned and you just bluffed your way out of it."
Same group. Our cleric is down and dying.
Fighter: We have to do something!
Warlock: *curses!*
Wizard: What did you do that for?
Warlock: What? When he dies, he'll benefit the group by giving me power.
Cheep Cheep
Moo.
D&D:
So, my group is walking through a sewer. A rat lands on the warrior's head. He attacks it. It misses. He hits himself. He gets a critical strike on himself. Dead warrior.
Slicing through a guard's neck with the flat of my blade. I completely forget the name of the weapon, it's something along the line of a phase-sword.
I achieved nothing today. You?
D&D 3.5:
Me and my idiotic fighter partymate got trapped on top of a 200ft burning tower by the local mad baron who set the place on fire. I was playing Elf Sorcerer and only had 1 level 1 spell left, with no cantrips. I cast Feather fall on my friend and used his cape as a parachute, where a-la sky glider, we chased the baron and killed him for a ton of loot and XP.
I know, pretty lame, but even though I'm an inversion of the Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend, I never got a really high leveled character, since my friends quit holding sessions a long time ago.
Yakka Foob Mog
Hopefully I should be able to contribute more regularly to this thread soon. I just picked up a certain Eden studios licensed game and have already informed my friends "I've got plans for you, gamer boys!"
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
A recent line from my Vampire The Requiem character, Mike 2.0, to a woman with the last name "Meyer":
"Hey, good you showed up. I was just about to tell the bouncer I'm Stephen, your cousin from Utah..."
clockwork romance device
We were playing the World Of Warcraft edition of 3.5, I was a night elf scout, and our party included a night elf shaman and a goblin tinkerer. The goblin tinkerer had made a bunch of molotov cocktails from lamp oil, but they only had a 50 percent chance of lighting. So he keeps missing with his d100 rolls, so all we get is a bunch of oil slicks across the battlefield(and covering the ghouls we were fighting). We kept slipping in the oil, missing our rolls and trying to stand up. It took us so long to kill the last ghoul that finally when the ghoul rolled a 1, the DM took pity and said it slipped and impaled itself on my sword, while I was lying prone from slipping in said oil!
Planescape Hijack
So in the Mutants And Masterminds game I'm playing on the Oot S forum (this one
), we were in the middle of something of a horror scene. We'd just fought our way through waves of monstrous hands and, after securing all the survivors and getting copies of the security tapes, taken a Dungeon Bypass straight to the core (aka, basically, the boss room).
The GM provides a detailed description of the scene that awaits us: a giant Cosmic Horror has impaled an important NPC on a bunch of spikes—but she's still alive. The GM's done a really good job of creating a tense atmosphere throughout, including making a description of what's basically four giant glowing white hands non-Narm-y.
Nonetheless, The Loonie walks up to it, says "How's it going, Handy-Man?" and gives it a high-five. In the OOC thread, I warned him he was taking a huge wrist.
He is promptly mind-controlled.
edited 5th Oct '09 10:58:50 AM by Haven
Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Artie, Blue Oni's boyfriend, takes the cake today. During the off-topic banter, he called the Unicorn clan horse (warhorse from Legend Of The Five Rings) a "horsey with a dildo on its head".
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
Yakka Foob Mog
I recently re-created one of my Marvel FASERIP characters that was destroyed in the Great Water Jug Spill several months ago. We picked up where we left off, with my damn-near-unstoppable tank being hunted for a bounty offered by an unknown villain. In an interesting twist, the other players were new to the campaign and both created villains trying to capture me.
The first player fairs poorly, being an ordinary human bounty hunter with nothing capable of hurting me. His older brother, our group's much loved loonie, made a four-armed alien bounty hunter with his own heavily-armed fully-crewed star ship. Also, he talks like Zap Branigan. Hilarity Ensues
- Judge: "You open the dossier given to you. Enclosed is a picture of your target (my character). He appears to be cleaning his ear with his pinky and drinking a Slurpee."
- Bounty Hunter: (after pummeling my character with an aerial strike) "Alright, that oughta do it. Get me a visual on his corpse for proof-of-death." ( main screen turn on to show my character standing in the rubble, angrily flipping the bird to my attacker)
- Bounty Hunter: "Crap, this world's puny flying triangle squad has shown up to finish us off! Bring us up into orbit."
- Me: (out of character) "Um, do you really want to enter the vacuum of space with a hole in your hull and a missing window?"
- Bounty Hunter: "Crap, you're right! Patch up that window with cardboard, men! If it works for the orks, it can work for us." (Cue several War Hammer 40k jokes about hastily painting the ship red to outrun their assailants)
- BH: "You can't kill us; we're the last of our race."
- Me: "I doubt just killing you would affect the breeding population that badly."
- BH: "I'm the only male left. (not-so-subtly whispered) Everybody act like chicks!"
Anyone familiar with Grappling with Grappling Rules will get this one:
"Okay, I do 29 damage and roll grapple." - Dan
"What?" - Jon (DM)
"I have imp-grab, tigers get a grapple if they succeed on a bite." - Dan
"Okaaay, lemme get out the big-ass book of grappling. What day is it?" - Jon (DM)
"Have you eaten yet? Are you on fire?" - Sebastijan
"What is the position of the sun?" - Steve
"Are you facing north or south?" - Sebastijan
"Wait, you're facing east? Aww, I'm in the other book, I need the appendix." - Jon (DM)
Okay, so this one time in Deadlands, I was D Ming. The preacher, the only Neutral Good (and possibly only Good) person in the party and one of my personal favorite characters to put through hell, fought a T-Rex that attacked him while he was riding his velocipede (steam-powered motorcycle).
This Preacher had a spell called Lion's Den, which kept him safe from animals, and another move called Beast Friend, which let him make an ally of creatures.
I'd forgotten about it.
So, next scene everyone's together in a big dark wooded area, and the Preacher, Sid Johnson, cycles up to the group- and starts rolling for sneaking, the Deadlands version of Hide.
" You don't have any ranks in sneaking."
" My T-Rex does."
I check the sheets. Yes, T-Rexes had a stealth check. I slap a -5 on it.
He succeeds.
So during this scene, they get attacked by a bunch of nosferatu. He yells, " Go, Surprise!" and gunned his motorcycle, riding towards them while shooting his revolver and praying at the top of his lungs while a T-Rex, previously unnoticed by anyone in the area, somehow appears from behind a tree and promptly ate one of the nosferatu in a single bite (he got lucky and crit'd.)
The group broke down at this, and one of them laughed so hard he started crying. When I finally got them back going again, they finish the fight in two rounds (the nosferatu decided to book it after the T-Rex showed up)...
And I inform the Preacher that his T-Rex now has vampirism.
Best Boss Fight Ever.
Yakka Foob Mog
I played a RIFTS game a few weeks ago where the GM let me play as a dragon hatchling. One of my friends played a crazy, and another friend played a mute assassin being hunted by the Coalition.
Highlights included my dragon hypnotically controlling the assassin to turn himself in (he got better), a Sodium Pentathol-fueled game of charades between the crazy and the dragon, and the dragon making his escape as a (still half-ton and Mega-Damage capable) ladybug.
The whole thing ended with the assassin inexplicably disintegrating (his player erased his character sheet in utter despair) while the crazy rode off into the sunset on the dragon, now metamorphed into Dick Cheney wearing a propeller beanie.
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
Planescape Hijack
Cales your Deadlands stories are amazing.
Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku
Just recently started a Dn D group with some friends, and in the first session the party's ranger gained a reputation for hording apparently-useless junk on the off hand chance they'd come in handy. And being right.
Critical hit on throwing a clay pot at a skeleton warrior, killing it instantly, is both his C Mo A and C Mo F so far.
I was playing D&D (3.5) and was playing a friend's character who was absent. He had a goblin who used explosives and firearms (very unreliable firearms, basically gadgets.) Well, we come across a cult that had kidnapped this girl we were trying to find. They're about to use her in some gross ritual of some sort. All the leadership is there, along with a roomful of cultists. We're outnumbered. We've been sneaking in, the goblin sapping people over the head as needed.
Well, the crew has also been lugging around this small keg of blasting powder. At this room, I have this great idea to light a fuse in it, and roll it into the middle of the room, to cover our attack. The drow in the party agrees to do the rolling (better aim). So, we're all ready to jump in and do some killing, and I roll a 1 for the goblin's "set fuse" roll. There was nothing left of goblin or drow except their ears.