Fiction
"I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor."
— Jeff Winger, Community
Elroy: (Confession Cam) My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people.
(cut to Elroy approaching a white man getting meatballs at a buffet)
Elroy: All riiight... Now, there's a man who knows his meatballs!
Man: (smiles) Thank you.
(cut to Elroy and a group of white men laughing)
Elroy: (confession cam) It started as simple survival. The tech industry in the 90s? This face, this voice? They're either gonna help you or hold you back. So, you... tap the gas, because, well, why tap the brake?
Elroy: (to one of the men) Oh, you know. You know what you're doing. (puts his arm around the man) This man knows exactly what he's doing!
(cut to Elroy approaching a white couple sitting at a table with a flask)
Elroy: (confession cam) I learned the cheat code: White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what for.
Elroy: (points at the flask) Now that's a container for liquor!
Elroy: (confession cam) I never felt like a sellout, I never laughed at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue! The thing is — and this will sound racist — white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other.
(cut to Garrett and Stacey at the buffet)
Stacey: Sweetie, you're getting meatball juice everywhere but your plate.
Garrett: I think I'm doing better than you are with your asparagus!
Elroy: (to Garrett) Ohhh, now that's the way to handle meatballs! (to Stacey) And look at you! Workin' that asparagus!
Elroy: (confession cam) So, the day you start telling them "Hey! Just do what you're doing!"...
Stacey: I love you.
Garrett: I love you.
(Elroy winks in the background)
Elroy: (confession cam) ...you feel like a superhero! ... What's the danger? Why'd I stop? Well, same as anything else that makes you feel good. If you don't put a lid on it...
(cut to Elroy serenading a white man in front of all the wedding guests)
Elroy: ♪ Ohhh, look... at these pants. Bow, bow bow. He should keep on wearin', keep on wearin' his paaa-haaa-aaaaaaaants! ♪
Elroy: (confession cam) ...there's no lid.
(cut to Elroy approaching a white man getting meatballs at a buffet)
Elroy: All riiight... Now, there's a man who knows his meatballs!
Man: (smiles) Thank you.
(cut to Elroy and a group of white men laughing)
Elroy: (confession cam) It started as simple survival. The tech industry in the 90s? This face, this voice? They're either gonna help you or hold you back. So, you... tap the gas, because, well, why tap the brake?
Elroy: (to one of the men) Oh, you know. You know what you're doing. (puts his arm around the man) This man knows exactly what he's doing!
(cut to Elroy approaching a white couple sitting at a table with a flask)
Elroy: (confession cam) I learned the cheat code: White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what for.
Elroy: (points at the flask) Now that's a container for liquor!
Elroy: (confession cam) I never felt like a sellout, I never laughed at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue! The thing is — and this will sound racist — white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other.
(cut to Garrett and Stacey at the buffet)
Stacey: Sweetie, you're getting meatball juice everywhere but your plate.
Garrett: I think I'm doing better than you are with your asparagus!
Elroy: (to Garrett) Ohhh, now that's the way to handle meatballs! (to Stacey) And look at you! Workin' that asparagus!
Elroy: (confession cam) So, the day you start telling them "Hey! Just do what you're doing!"...
Stacey: I love you.
Garrett: I love you.
(Elroy winks in the background)
Elroy: (confession cam) ...you feel like a superhero! ... What's the danger? Why'd I stop? Well, same as anything else that makes you feel good. If you don't put a lid on it...
(cut to Elroy serenading a white man in front of all the wedding guests)
Elroy: ♪ Ohhh, look... at these pants. Bow, bow bow. He should keep on wearin', keep on wearin' his paaa-haaa-aaaaaaaants! ♪
Elroy: (confession cam) ...there's no lid.
"What would you have done if I told you that the solution to all your problems was a magical black man sitting out on the edge of town?"
— Patti, The Leftovers
"Well, I'm just an old fool, of course, and I don't know much about politics or the like, but I do know that America's kinda like this here crabapple tree, John Fitzgerald Kennedy."
— Tracy Jordan playing one of these, 30 Rock
"Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women."
— Schmidt to Cece, New Girl
On works
Jon: What about all the imaginary black people who help the white community, your Bagger Vances, your Michael Clark Duncan in The Green Mile, your Morgan Freeman in really almost anything?
Wyatt: Jon, I know you're trying to help but that is so patronising. Look those black men you mentioned, they're not imaginary, they're magical.
— The Daily Show: Wyatt Cenac on Imaginary Black On White Crime
"In this movie, a black guy is accidentally put in charge of an advertising firm, and then revolutionizes the business with the built-in irreverent street wisdom all black guys in movies have. Since then, about 10 movies identical to it get made every year. Because like my college textbook said, years of research into marketing and advertising will never be as successful as a noisy man who likes to dance and says 'motherfucker!' at the end of all his sentences."
— Seanbaby on Putney Swope
"If this movie and The Green Mile have taught us one thing, it's that super-sized African American felons are the noblest men on earth."
"The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion."
— Saul Alinsky
"The film opens with yet another voice over narration by Morgan Freeman, extolling the saintly virtues of a white person who deserves our reverence."
— Roger Ebert reviewing The Bucket List
"Oh, hey, a supportive black person looking out for a lost white person! Gah, I haven’t seen that in a movie since...every movie ever made, I think."
