TELEGRAM MESSAGES NEVER CONTAIN PERIODS STOP
PERIODS ARE REPLACED WITH A STOP STOP
WHEN READ ALOUD THE STOP IS ALSO READ ALOUD STOP
IT WAS ORIGINALLY A JOKE STOP
BUT IT IS NOT KNOWN AS ONE BY MODERN AUDIENCES STOP
WHERE IT IS EXPECTED FOR READING A TELEGRAM STOP
SO EVEN WHERE IT CAUSED CONFUSION IT DIDN'T STOP STOP
COMPARE WALKIE-TALKIE GAG OVER AND READING STAGE DIRECTIONS OUT LOUD STOP SUBTROPE OF AMBIGUOUS SYNTAX STOP
non-self demonstrating
This trope arose because Morse Code originally did not have a method to transmit punctuation beyond spelling it out (e.g. writing down "comma", or most famously, a full stop). Additionally, it lacks casing, meaning the entire message is in capital letters.
Telegrams charged by the word; therefore, the objective was to make the message with as few words as possible while still being clear. Marks of punctuation, such as the comma, period, dash, colon, etc., are not transmitted in telegrams unless the sender specifically requests it, and then they are counted and charged for, as one word each.
From the 1928 booklet, "HOW TO WRITE TELEGRAMS PROPERLY":
Telegrams charged by the word; therefore, the objective was to make the message with as few words as possible while still being clear. Marks of punctuation, such as the comma, period, dash, colon, etc., are not transmitted in telegrams unless the sender specifically requests it, and then they are counted and charged for, as one word each.
From the 1928 booklet, "HOW TO WRITE TELEGRAMS PROPERLY":
If you do not intend to stipulate that marks of punctuation be transmitted, write your message without punctuation and read it carefully to make sure that it is not ambiguous. If it seems impossible to convey your meaning clearly without the use of punctuation, use may be made of the celebrated word "stop," which is known the world over as the official telegraphic or cable word for "period."
Less well known, and therefore less common, is the usage of the word "query" to indicate a question mark. Consider this telegram exchange between MGM executive Roger Caras and Arthur C. Clarke that led to the production of 2001: A Space Odyssey:
Caras' Inquiry: STANLEY KUBRICK DR STRANGELOVE PATHS OF GLORY ETC INTERESTED IN DOING FILM ON ETS STOP ARE YOU INTERESTED QUERY THOUGHT YOU WERE RECLUSE STOPnote
Clarke's Response: FRIGHTFULLY INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH ENFANT TERRIBLE STOP CONTACT MY AGENT STOP WHAT MAKES KUBRICK THINK I'M A RECLUSE QUERY note
This is a Broken Trope these days, since International Morse Code now uses .-.-.- for periods (though telegraph companies would charge extra for punctuation). That is, of course, if you can find someone to actually send the telegram, as opposed to just sending a text message with your phone.
Examples STOP:
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COMIC BOOKS STOP
- The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, chapter 4
"Son - Terrible crisis for the clan McDuck stop need cash stop come home at once stop don't stop stop"
- Lucky Luke:
- The comic Dalton City had a telegrapher who spoke like this.
STOP CHILDREN STOP DAD RECEIVED MESSAGE STOP LET DAD WORK STOP
The friend is quite slow...
LUCKY LUKE! JUST GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU STOP! - The comic Des rails sur la Prairie has a message sent by the Big Bad to his goons:
WILSON BOYS DEAD OX GULCH STOP STOP RAILROAD CONSTRUCTION STOP AND I MEAN STOP STOP SIGNED BLACK WILSON
- The comic Dalton City had a telegrapher who spoke like this.
COMIC STRIPS STOP
- Conchy: In one strip Conchy is walking along and finds a STOP sign in the middle of the beach. After spending a panel staring at it, Conchy thinks "I feel like part of a telegram".
FAN WORKS STOP
- 221B: One ficlet begins with Watson receiving a telegram from a police inspector about Holmes getting sick on a case. The telegram contains three uses of the word "stop" as a period.
- The trope is updated in the Gunslinger Girl fanfic And the Adventure Continues when Jethro and Monty use Telegramstop.com (a now defunct website where you could pay to send a telegram like in Ye Goode Olde Days) to send a Spy Speak message to Director Lorenzo, with obligatory STOP gag.
- Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space, in which Captain Proton struggles to save the world from an army of busty bionic blondes.
TO CAPTAIN PROTON FROM THE PRESIDENT OF EARTH STOP OVAL OFFICE UNDER ATTACK BY LARGE-BREASTED CYBORG WOMEN STOP REQUEST URGENT ASSISTANCE STOP OH NO THEY'RE HERE STOP OH YES YES BABY THAT'S WONDERFUL PLEASE DON'T STOP
FILMS — ANIMATION STOP
- Lots of it in Balto during the Nome-Juneau transmission scenes.
- In Home on the Range Rico's entrance is announced with a telegram read with the stops.
FILMS — LIVE-ACTION STOP
- Broadway Gondolier: Alice, on the ship back home with Dick, shows him a telegram from Cliff just assuming that Cliff and she will get married when Alice arrives. Dick then scribbles out a message for her to send in answer: "Dear Cliff STOP Just met Dick STOP Love Dick STOP Am kissing Dick now can't STOP Alice."
- In ¡Three Amigos!, the title characters receive a telegram from Mexico STOP They confuse a "Stop" in the message for a STOP and think that "the infamous El Guapo" sent the message, but they are actually supposed to stop El Guapo (the leader of a gang of bandits) STOP
Telegram: Three Amigos, Hollywood, California. You are very great. One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco. Put on show. Stop the infamous El Guapo
- In Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band the protagonists receive a telegram from BD Hoffler, president of Big Deal Records STOP
Telegram: We hear your music is great STOP We need a tape of your songs and we need it now STOP And if we like your music we'll make you superstars and the money will never stop STOP Signed BD Hoffler, Hollywood
- It's a Wonderful Life: Sam Wainwright sends a telegram from London when he hears George is in trouble STOP Ernie reads it aloud, including the stops STOP
- In The Addams Family Thing taps out a message to Gomez on the table "Morticia in danger STOP send help at once STOP"!
- In The Major and the Minor, The hero, Major Kirby, is in a jam, and needs the help of the heroine, Susan, an adult woman who Kirby thinks is a 12 year-old girl. The gag comes in when Kirby realizes he needs to tell Susan's parents about taking her home with him.
Major Phillip Kirby: Now, about your parents.
Susan Applegate: Well, there's just my mother.
Major Phillip Kirby: Well, I'll send her a telegram that will absolutely put her at ease.
Susan Applegate: What kind?
Major Phillip Kirby: Well, how 'bout, uh, Met your daughter on train and looked out for her last night...
Susan Applegate: STOP!
Major Phillip Kirby: Stop. As we cannot proceed on account of high water, I'm taking her home with me.
Susan Applegate: STOP!
Major Phillip Kirby: Stop. Don't worry. Signed Kirby. Will that fix it?
Susan Applegate: That will certainly fix mother! - Played with in The Ladies Man when the mailman pretends a letter for the title character is a telegram and says, "Dear Leon STOP The Seventies are over... STOP."
- Averted in the opening minutes of Mortal Kombat: The Movie, where Liu Kang gets a telegram from his grandfather and punctuation is clearly seen.
BROTHER DEAD. RETURN HOME.
- In The Sound of Music, Liesl's boyfriend, a telegraph delivery boy, tells her he thought about sending her a telegram just to have an excuse to see her, and obliges her request to tell her what he might have said in said telegram, before asking her what she might say in a return telegram. Her answer? "Dear Rolf STOP. Don't stop!"
- A telegram is read off in this manner in Top Hat by the Funny Foreigner Alberto Beddini, leading Deadpan Snarker Dale to comment that it "sounds like Gertrude Stein."
JOKES STOP
- There's a Polish joke back from the Communist era: Poland was dependent on deliveries of natural gas and oil from the USSR. One day, Polish ice hockey team has defeated the USSR team at the Olympics. The next day, the Polish government receives a telegram from the USSR government:
- Two business partners receive a telegram at their office; the new secretary begins reading it off to one of them. Unfamiliar with the "STOP" convention, she reads the word out loud instead of simply pausing. After hearing her say "STOP" about a half-dozen times, the other partner yells from the inner office, "Get your hands off her and let her finish!"
LITERATURE STOP
- Adrian Mole receives a confusing telegram from his mother stating "Adrian stop coming home stop" and disregards it since it makes no sense as he can't stop coming home STOP This leads to later problems when his estranged mother turns up without warning STOP
- Old Kingdom: Some of the characters from the Old Kingdom adopt telegraphese when dictating messages for message-hawks (birds magicked to store short voice recordings). Sam including "stop" in Abhorsen is justified because he is actually dictating a telegram to be sent in Ancelstierre (which actually has technology), but Touchstone in Goldenhand has no such excuse.
- The Phantom Tollbooth. There's no sound in the Valley of Sound, so you get this:
BAND CONCERT GREAT SUCCESS STOP WHEN MAY WE EXPECT THE MUSIC STOP
- Pops up a few times in A Series of Unfortunate Events, as the characters begin communicating via telegram often late in the series.
LIVE-ACTION TV STOP
- Blackadder Goes Forth, episode "Major Star": Used as a joke by Blackadder to insult Charlie Chaplin, and as a Brick Joke Chaplin took revenge in the same format.
Captain Blackadder: Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennett Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats STOP Have found only person in world less funny than you STOP Name Baldrick STOP Signed E. Blackadder STOP Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please STOP
Captain Darling: We received a telegram from Mr Chaplin himself at Sennett Studios: Twice nightly screening of my films in trenches: excellent idea STOP But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist STOP P.S. Don't let him ever... STOP. - Used very straight in the pilot for the long-forgotten UPN Richard Dean Anderson western dramedy Legend. Alcoholic dime novel hack Ernest Pratt is accosted by his agent about the publisher's demand he pretend to be the hero of his novels, Nicodemus Legend, to promote his flagging book series. At least the story takes place in the right period for telegrams (1876).
Harry Parver: (reading from copy of telegram) Imperative you meet public appearance obligations, stop. Last Legend novel barely recouped expenses, stop. If contract not complied with, advance on next book forfeit—
Ernest Pratt: STOP! - Used in the episode "The Late Captain Pierce" of M*A*S*H when Hawkeye sends a telegram to his father to let them know he is alive and safe. He even recites his intended message to Klinger, using TELEGRAM SPEAK STOP He also integrates the STOP directions into his message.
Hawkeye: Dear Dad, stop. I am not dead, stop. Hope you are the same, stop. Thinking of selling my clubs? Stop! Spending my insurance money? Stop!
- On Sex and the City, as Charlotte and her lawyer battle her ex's overbearing mother and her lawyer regarding the divorce settlement, a telegram from said ex arrives. Aside from insisting that Charlotte is to have whatever she wants, the "stops" that come at the end of each sentence—in particular, the final line, "Seriously, mother", make it sound more like he's demanding that his mother lay off.
- Star Trek: Voyager. In "Bride of Chaotica!" inter-dimensional aliens mistake Paris' The Adventures of Captain Proton (a Flash Gordon-expy character) holodeck program for reality, requiring the crew to involve themselves in the program. Paris and Tuvok return to the program to gather information and find that Captain Proton's ship has received a message through the Subspace Ansible, which, due to the program's Zee Rust characteristics, is a teletype machine.
Paris: It's a message to Captain Proton from the President of Earth. Intercepted communications between Doctor Chaotica and Arachnia STOP. Chaotica at war with aliens from Fifth Dimension STOP. Must strike now to disable Death Ray—-
Tuvok: Stop. Please summarise the message. - Veronica Mars had a blackly humorous one of these in the episode "Lord of the Bling"; at Lynn Echolls' funeral, Aaron asks Logan if he's heard from his half-sister Trina:
Logan: She sent a telegram. "Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater scene shoot tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Stop. Love you. Stop."
Aaron: Logan...
Logan: Stop? - In "Friends, Romans, Countrymen," the premiere of the second season of Yellowjackets, Walter, the citizen detective who posts the theory about Adam having had a secret girlfriend, phrases the first few bits of his message on the messages board in this format, saying that he managed to get a hold of Adam's credit card records. "Don't ask how. Stop. Definitely no mail fraud involved. Stop. Wink. Stop." "Oh, my God. Enough with the telegram bit," mutters Misty and the next line of his message is his commenting that the he feels like the telegram bit has run its course.
MUSIC STOP
- The basis of "Western Union Wire" by Kinky Friedman:
It said "From Billy" at the bottom, "To Baby" at the top
Western Union Wire: "Please help me STOP" - Used in "Epic Problem" by Fugazi during the verses:
Congratulations
Stop
Wish I could be there
Stop
Tell me something that I don't know
Is there anything left to know?
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop
We regret to inform
Stop
Miss you dearly, signed sincerely
Stop
Tell me something that I don't know
Is there anything left to know?
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop
PODCASTS STOP
- Well There's Your Problem has this in the Quebec Bridge episode, where management is discussing a problem with the under-construction bridge.
Alice. "Bridge has crack stop." "Ah, the crack in the bridge has stopped."
PRO WRESTLING STOP
- Olde Wrestling in Ohio has a 1920s theme. In this promo, Working Class Heel Heidi the Riveternote receives a telegram (complete with this trope) telling her that she will be facing "Kickin'" Kimber Lee and expresses her disgust for Kimber Lee's Flapper lifestyle.note
THEATRE STOP
- Bullshot Crummond: When Bullshot dictates a message to Rosemary: "Car stopped, stop. Won't start, stop. Can't stop, stop."
- Crazy for You:
- In this musical, Bobby receives a telegram from his mother and reads it out loud.
Bobby: "Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's Mom. "Stop this nonsense. Stop. This is your final notice. Stop." Sounds like an electric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop. Don't stop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Your loving mother. Stop. P.S. Your uncle stopped by." I wish she'd write letters.
- Later this exchange occurs:
Polly: Would ya stop this?
Zangler: Stop?
Polly: Stop.
Bobby: You sound like my mother.
- In this musical, Bobby receives a telegram from his mother and reads it out loud.
- In a short play from French author Jean-Michel Ribes, two people on a shipwreck are trying to write a message in a bottle requesting for help. One of them wants to write a long, flowery message, while the other proposes a much shorter message written in that style, prompting the first one to ask why help would come if the message keeps saying stop.
VIDEO GAMES STOP
- The Great Ace Attorney has a juror in Case 5 who is a communications officer and is constantly using a telegram as she speaks. She is a Terse Talker and ends her sentences by saying STOP.
- In the epilogue of Red Dead Redemption 2, we get this one from Sadie Adler, without any punctuation at all: *
JIM MILTON =
JIM STOP IF YOURE THE JM I KNOW STOP ITS SADIE ADLER STOP IVE GOT SOMETHING TO DISCUSS STOP PAY GOOD STOP MEET ME IN SALOON IN VALENTINE STOP IM THERE MOST DAYS =
SADIE ADLER = - In Splatoon 2, Sunken Scroll #25 has a message from Captain Cuttlefish to his granddaughters of the New Squidbeak Splatoon:
"My dearest Callie and Marie -(STOP)-
On a research trip to the cape with Agt 3 -(STOP)-
May be late, but left dinner in fridge -(STOP)-" - In The Town with No Name, the Man with No Name receives a series of telegrams from his duel adversaries.
NASTY NED ON HIS WAY TO TOWN STOP
SENT BY EVIL EB TO AVENGE HIS BROTHER STOPZIPPY ZEKE SEEN HEADING FOR TOWN TO AVENGE FELLOW GANG MEMBERS STOPCRAFTY CLINT ON HIS WAY TO TOWN TO AVENGE ETC ETC BLAH BLAH STOP
WEB ANIMATION STOP
- This is a Running Gag on Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: Did they send the message via telegram?
- Homestar Runner uses this joke in conjuction with the "Old-Timey" versions of the characters:
- In the DVD version of the Strong Bad Email "little animal", an Easter egg features added dialogue for Old-Timey Strong Bad.
Old Timey Strong Bad: Dear Feet STOP Don't fail me now STOP Signed, Strong Bad
- Seen in an Easter egg in "50 emails", with Old Timey Strong Bad receiving a "Supra Modern Telegram" with a variation on the "How do you type with boxing gloves on?" Running Gag.
Old Timey Strong Bad: "Dear Sir Strong Bad stop How do you manage the telegramophone whilst wearing gentleman's sport gloves? stop signed, Lord Elsington Hallstingdingdingworth. Curses! This is all anyone ever asks me."
- In the DVD version of the Strong Bad Email "little animal", an Easter egg features added dialogue for Old-Timey Strong Bad.
- Doodle Toons had an example where Bellybutton read a telegram from his talking clock, including the word "stop" every time it appears in the telegraph.
- Dick Figures: Red and Blue get a TITTY-GRAM from Zeus.
- Blue, reading: Heard what you said, STOP. Think you can do my job, STOP? Complete these challenges and scale Mount Olympus and then thou mace challenge me, STOP. PS. I saw your mom naked, STOP. Last night while I was doing her, STOP. She told me not to stop, FULL STOP.
WEBCOMICS STOP
- The Trenches: Isaac invites Cora to a meeting at Red Robin via telegram, for some reason:
[Red Robin] has bottomless fries STOP
But when I say "stop" I mean that's the end of the line not that the fries stop because the fries don't stop STOP
WEB VIDEO STOP
- Road Quest: The Running Gag of Graham's daily itinerary message takes the form of a telegraph in episode 5 (being the morning the crew were leaving Barkerville Historic Town), wherein they were told to stop at "Fort George" (Prince George, BC) and visit Princess Auto (which immediately makes Beej ecstatic)...
Johnny: "'...to lay in provisions for the rest of the trip to Dawson STOP' ...but don't stop, get goin'."
WESTERN ANIMATION STOP
- Looney Tunes:
- Used in the short I Love to Singa.
We just received another telegram, Station GOMG. Stop. Your program coming in great. Stop. Think it's fine. Stop. Glad to hear your amateurs. Stop. They're all very funny. (camera pans back to show her continually pushing away the deliveryman as he keeps trying to hold her) Stop! Keep up the good work. Stop! Good luck. STOP! The gang. STOP! (she pushes him offscreen and he crashes)
- "The Hardship of Miles Standish" has a singing telegram.
- Used in the short I Love to Singa.
- Pinky and the Brain had one in their parody of The Third Man. Pinky, as narrator, comments that it took him a long time due to all the stopping.
PINKY START PACKING STOP COME TO VIENNA STOP GO TO 123B RUEGGERSTRASSE STOP
- In an earlier episode of The Simpsons, Grandpa decides that upon his death he will leave Lisa all the personal correspondence in which he has engaged. She only gets to read one telegram from Boris Karloff, telling Grandpa to stop harassing him.
- In an episode from the first run of Rugrats, the Pickleses get a telegram from their Aunt Miriam. It's not supposed to be a singing telegram, which confuses them as to why it's a telegram at all since regular mail exists, which convinces the delivery boy to sing for them. He even sings the STOPs.
- The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack: Done by Lolly Poopdeck when he delivers a 'comedy telegram' in "Who's Moochin' Who?":
IF YOU WANT TO TIP ME DON'T STOP
- Happens at the beginning of the Classic Disney Short, "The Country Cousin", an adaptation of the Aesop's Fable, The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse.
- The French dub of Inspector Gadgetnote has him always reading "Chef Gontier" (Chief Quimby)'s exploding messages this way. However, the second English-language season introduced this when it was absent in the first 65 episodes.
- Used on the modern Quick Draw McGraw short "Cit-E-Scape", when Quick Draw and Baba Looey are walking while reading a telegram, stopping every time they hit the "stop" part of the message.
Quick Draw: You are the best lawman in the west. Stop. Crime is out of control in the east. Stop. Please help us. Stop. We're scared.
Baba Looey: Stop!
Quick Draw: How'd you know that's what it said?
Baba Looey: No, Quick Draw. We're here! - In the Little Dogs on the Prairie short "Stanza By Me", this gag happens when Hollister reads a reply to his job offer for someone to run the telegraph office in his general store.
- I Am Weasel has this happen with a letter addressed to I.R. Baboon in "I.R. Do".
MY DEAREST I.R. STOP I CAN'T MARRY YOU TODAY STOP [...] I'M IN LOOOVE WITH A GERMAN HAIRLESS CHIHUAHUA STOP HAVE A NICE DAY OVER AND OUT
STINGER HERE STOP
TIME FOR THE ARTICLE TO STOP
